I posted this on reddit and I didn’t really get much answers, I hope someone will get me something I need here.
Ok so before I get started, I forgot my old account password and that old email has been long gone so check out these two first. https://www.reddit.com/r/askgaybros/comments/3pjvt2/how_to_win_out_of_the_other_two/ https://www.reddit.com/r/askgaybros/comments/3mlpv0/friend_zoned_because_of_long_distance_relationship/
Ok so heres the big issue that i seriously need help with or advice because im pulling my hair out.
Back Story: My ex and me were together for 3.5 years, had an appartment, a dog, were living happy. During the past 8 months we were always at each others throats, fighting, arguing, etc… I told him that he was pushing me away because I felt like I was giving 100% of my efforts to keep him happy and not receiving anything in return. I broke it off with him, moved out, got a “career job” now finally, and everything seemed good. While i was in the break up process I met this really amazing guy that I started talking to. See “friend zoned” itll explain lol
Current story So me and that amazing guy were great together, I took him to the Marine Corps ball, and pronounced my real feelings and we made it official. About two weeks into it, i called my Ex. I know stupid but i did. Once he told me that he was obviously hooking up with other guys, I lost it.
I have broken up and gotten back together with him now 3 times in the last two weeks because when Im with the Ex i think of how much im hurting the new guy, when im with the new guy I think of how much im hurting the Ex. So ive told them both to leave me alone for some time to feel out who i really want to “let go” and who i want to be with.
I can honestly say i dont want to hurt any of them but i know that time will come. My ex is saying that after this, if your not with me then we will never be friends and you will never have another chance to come back to me ever. While the other one said he will be the “dumb ass” and wait for me because he knows i truly love him and he truly loves me.
Heres some issues.
My exs family never once accepted him or us for the past 4 years and now all of a sudden they “might.” Also he said not only will his family change but he will change “everything he fucked up on”
My new guy’s family has a really bad bad past. Everyone has been to jail at least once, and everyone either is in poverty or some sort of financial issue. Honestly though when im with him and not thinking of my ex he is amazing, hes everything my ex wasnt.
Why cant I get over my ex, yes i still love him but I feel like nothing will change. IDK what to do because I cry every night thinking about losing one of them. Ive went as far as seeking help from a physic because I hit rock bottom. I honestly truly know that I dont want to be single, but who to choose IDK HELP
What is this? Some kind of Gay Love Triangle?! Well, OK, here goes. Sounds like your life got flipped-turned upside down. I’d like to take a minute and I’ll tell you what hapopened to me. I wasborn and raised in Philadelphia but got sent to live with my relatives in L.A. Well, the plane landed and when I came out there was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out. I ain’t trying to get arrested yet, I just got here. I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared. I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought ‘Nah, forget it’ - ‘Yo, home to Bel Air’.I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie ‘Yo home smell ya later’.I looked at my kingdom I was finally there to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.
It’s hard to make these kinds of decisions with your head, but if you can step back for a moment and do so, it’s not a difficult question. You and your ex didn’t work, remember? And that ultimatum shit doesn’t bode well for his having changed whatever screwed things up last time. If there wasn’t anyone else in the picture then, ok, maybe you can give it another shot with ex just to see … but there is, so you can’t.
I mean, you can, but it’s a bad move. And also it’s possibly a dick move if you’re trying to have your cake and eat it too because the new guy was decent enough to say he’d still be around.
Dump the one who’s better off w/o you, b/c it only seems you measure them for their potential to make your life happier. Or, rationally sit down as a group and decide if there’s enough honest communication for this to become a polyamorous triangle so you can have your cake and eat it in front of everyone instead of hiding w/ it in the pantry.
I kinds-sorta see why you didn’t get much useful feedback previously. Regardless of how much of an ass your ex was your personal behavior in this, bouncing between two guys and keeping them juggled, has been simply awful and you seem determined to hold everyone to account except yourself.
Just stop using and manipulating people for one second. Make a decision about who you want to be with and stick to it. No one else can do that for you.
Reminds me of Satan’s dithering on South Park re: choosing a boyfriend between Chris or Saddam Hussein. I can’t really say it better than God did.
Satan: I don’t know which one to pick.
God: Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
Satan: Huh?
God: You got kicked outta here for being a head-strong rebel, and now you’re a whiny little bitch.
Satan: I just don’t know which one to pick!
God: No, you’ve become dependent on relationships. If you’re not sexually attracted to someone, then you’re not ever going to be. But Saddam isn’t right for you either, he’s the other extreme. You should try spending some time alone, find the middle ground. That’s what I do, because I’m a Buddhist.
Needingadvice, you’re doing more hedging than making an honest attempt at assessing the situation and acting on it, which is deceitful to be frank.
You’re treating this like a game show. There is no guarantee the person you choose will ultimately be the right one, but you need to decide and commit, or leave them both alone for good. Anything else seems very selfish and immature to me.
I think people are being a little harsh.
I agree that it’s manipulative to bounce back and forth. But I’ve also been in a similar situation and I understand that emotions are confusing and that no matter what, YOU will be hurt too. Not just whoever you leave.
That being said, you need to choose. It’s not fair to ANYONE in this situation to keep bouncing back and forth. If you don’t, you’ll lose both of them. I can’t tell you which to pick, obviously that’s your decision. But in my situation, I stuck with the asshole ex (with the family that didn’t like us being together) and regretted it later. I’d go with the nice guy that waits. Who cares if he comes from a weird family. At least that family will accept you.
Good luck! And remember, no matter what, life goes on.
I will absolutely agree w/ the later sentiment of this post; the most attractive thing anyone can do is happily accept you as you honestly are. Once there’s no worry about whether you can be yourself and keep them in your life, you can have peace and even giddiness for a change.
