Change the venue from a bar to my dining room table and the patrons to the guy giving us a quote on new roofing and siding. We’d been talking for half an hour or so about the products, the process, the desire to replace the siding with something insulated, blah blah. Then we got to looking at the brochures for siding, and the guy flips to a page in the middle, slides it towards me and says: “These are the colors. I know that’s what you care about.”
I was the one asking about R-value and durability and maintenance.
I really don’t think he intended to be patronizing, because overall, we were impressed with him and his company, but doggone, if it was a close competition between him and another company, that would have been a deciding factor for me.
Same with the idiot car salesman who, after I was asking about performance and mileage ratings, started telling me about the nice mirrors in the visors. Didn’t buy from him. Ass.
I don’t see the difference in being complimented because of brains or body. They’re both biological, a collection of atoms. You can improve your brain, you can improve your body. No one gets upset if you say, “Wow, your bright!” To me it’s the same as “Wow, you’re hot!”
Smarter people aren’t “better” than others. Most of that is genetic luck. Just like looks.
Doing the right thing. That’s what a compliment should be for. That is up to you.
Female. In that situation, I wouldn’t have gotten offended… I don’t think I would’ve taken it as a great compliment either. It was a bar, after all, they probably drank their share (or more), this wasn’t some serious discussion, I don’t expect to see them again, etc.
In FairyChatMom’s case, though, I would be offended. I would be offended if I’ve shown in a business/professional setting that I looked info up and was well-informed, only to be dismissed that way.
You know, I don’t even care anymore, but I remember being ticked off at the time.
I’m not offended by compliments. If someone says to me, “You look pretty,” I do not reply with an indignant “How dare you insult me by noticing the way I look?” I say “Thanks” and think little else of it. The context is what bothered me. We were all engaged in a polite discussion, and as they left they both shook my hand and thanked me for the conversation, all seemed well, and then one of them kissed my hand and told me my body was lovely. Where did… where did that come from? It struck me as bizarre and belittling.
In my humble opinion, patronizing and dismissive. Now those guys may not of seen it that way and didn’t realize their “compliments” would rankle or lessen the impact of the conversation that proceeded it, but it would’ve pissed me right off anyway. What would I have done though? Nothing. Just grinned and bear it much like you did MOL. That still makes them douches regardless.
You were the one who was pushing the debate, his “entitled to our opinions” comments where his way of making it light and bringing it back to friendly bar chat. And it sounds like you were having none of it, you weren’t going to let him off the hook. Which is fine, you were at the bar and shooting the shit. Their hot mama comments were their way of raising the bet – maybe they were trying to push your buttons, maybe to flirt a little, maybe both. But they left themselves open, you could have come back with “Wow did you just say that out loud?” or something else, you didn’t and the exchange ended and they went on their way.
Yes they were being obnoxious but that’s what people do sometimes when they’re BSing in a bar. It’s one of those things that’s not going to change because you wish it, if exchanges like this piss you off then maybe debating strangers in bars isn’t your thing.
Haha, cute. Easy on the “s” word now. It was more like this:
Dudes: Saying stuff.
Me: Saying counter-stuff.
Dudes: It was nice talking to you, but we’re leaving now. Oh, by the way, nice bod.
Me: What the…?
It just didn’t really fit into the conversation. Yes, yes, I get it, guys want to get laid. I’m not going to alert the presses over this, but not every conversation has to end with “Fuck me,” and when such an offer is made in a strange context, it’s off-putting.
Pretty much all of it. I was pushing the debate? We were having a conversation. I asked them questions, they asked me, I said what I had to say, they said what they had to say. It was friendly bar chat. It looked like you invented a version of the conversation in your mind that wasn’t based on my description of it, then responded to it.
Personally, I’d have punched him in the throat. Of course, I spent entirely too much time trying to figure out why basketball players would be considered “important”.
This made me laugh out loud. Ya know, I don’t punch nearly enough people in their throats. I’ve found a 2010 resolution. I think they were “important” because the people there were largely sports fans.
If nothing else, I suspect we can all agree it was pretty hamfisted on their part.
Yeah, it seems dismissive to me. Not deliberately, perhaps, but it does strike me as saying essentially “Yeah, we disagree, but you’re hot, so i’ll look past that”. The implication being that a) your appearance means more to him than any opinions you might hold, and b) if you weren’t attractive, he may well hold no interest in anything else you have to offer.
This is a very nice summary of what it sounds like to me. Frankly, I think all political debates should end like that (especially the ones between men).
FairyChatMom, I had a somewhat-similar experience when we were shopping for my new car. One salesidiot kept asking my husband questions, and I kept answering them (Jim and I sort of looked at each other after we were done with him - was that guy for real?). We didn’t buy from him, either.
ETA: You might want to re-think the throatpunch for basketball players - I’d probably aim lower.
Well this is the main reason I didn’t tell them to sod off. I don’t think their intent was, “Hey, let’s say something crude and dismissive,” but it struck me as an overall offensive way to be. This reminds me of a conversation I had with a (male) friend maybe a month ago. I’ll spare you all the details of the entire evening, but at some point I got nitpicky about something, he kind of gave off that he was irritated and I said apologetically, “I know, sorry. I’m being anal.” He said, “Yes, but that’s okay because you’re cute.” I winced and said, “I don’t know if that’s supposed to be a compliment or not.” He said it was, and not only was it a compliment, but it should have been clear to me that he was complimenting me when he said I was cute. I said, “I know, but what you’re really telling me is ‘You exhibit abhorrent behavior that I will allow because I find you physically attractive.’ That is not a compliment.” He said, “Huh. Yeah, I guess I never thought of it that way.”
It’s not unusual or shocking that someone somewhere gasp finds another person attractive, but it didn’t seem to me we were having the type of conversation that would have ended that way. Now the milkshake comment was a little creepy. Who says stuff like that?
given the context of this conversation (i.e. shooting the shit in a bar with a stranger) why are these implications something that you are seemingly looking down on?
again. it’s a bar. i don’t interact with everyone i come across in my life - only the ones that interest me or have something to offer (given what i’m looking to do)
I was the one asking about R-value and durability and maintenance.
