Just wanted to say that I think you are handling this in a very honourable fashion, probably better than I could. She’s hurt you very badly, has been lying constantly to you and was clearly planning to leave without telling you. She’s getting far more from you than she really deserves, and I think you’re right that how you handle this will stay with you even when she’s long gone. It will also make it impossible for her to feel that you have contributed to the mess she’s in, once it all goes pear-shaped which it almost inevitably will.
Echo other dopers who say it’s important to secure yourself financially (change pins, keep an eye on your valuables), and otherwise make yourself scarce. Living well is the best revenge, so start that now, while she’s around to see you do it.
Good luck, and I hope that with your admirable attitude you’ll find a great woman to love and trust, which will make you wonder why you cared about this so much in the first place.
It sounds like it’s pretty settled that she’ll be staying until the 25th - it’s not ideal, but you know the situation better than we do. One thing that you could find unbearable is her talking with her new boyfriend while you’re around - can you make it clear to her that you will not tolerate her talking to her new boyfriend around you until she leaves? She’s got all day while you’re at work - she needs to not rub your nose in her infidelity while you’re at home (and I agree with everyone else that you should only be there to sleep until she’s gone - give yourself at least that break).
Sounds to me like telling her to fend for herself until the 25th is helping her achieve her goals. Tell her you’re doing her a favor and say “Good luck” as you shut the door in her face.
Agreed. Now that I am getting older, I feel comfortable saying that young people are sort of stupid. Most young people have no idea what they really want and often have no idea about how their actions affect other people.
I’m sure in a few years she’ll probably look back at this and regret how unkind and foolish she was about it all. Especially since the odds are very low that things will work out any better with that other guy. Best thing to do is to just focus on your future. You’ll be okay.
OP, just kick her out. Don’t listen to people who say that it’s cold-hearted, ok? It is, but she obviously didn’t give a shit about you and I don’t see why you should give a shit about her anymore. Because it would kill you to be so cruel? Please! You’re still in the “dealing with the new situation” phase right now, one where most dumped boyfriends (including myself in the past) try to act kindly to the ex-GF they still have feelings for so that they can be “friends” while the dumped party holds out hope the couple might get back together. Once you meet someone new and move on, though, you’ll realize how thoughtless a move that was and start kicking yourself for it. Don’t make that mistake! Kick her out, sever ties, and it will be that much easier for you to move on.
I like to think of myself as a kind, moral person. But when people treat me like shit for no reason, despite my treating them like gold, then all bets are off. I’m not going to be nice to someone who doesn’t give two fucks for me. No one should. If this was my girl she’d be gone as soon as I found out what was going on.
Indeed. It’s not at all surprising that she’s leaving him.
Here’s an idea - since you’re so intent on coddling your soon to be ex-girlfriend, why don’t you buy her a care package filled with condoms and sex toys for her new life adventure? I’m sure she could use them, since she’s broke and all, and you just love her soooo much you want her to be happy right?
Christ man. I agree wholeheartedly with AClockworkMelon - grow some god damn balls.
Yeah, the OP might as well just do this. He’s already made it clear that even if he could kick her out legally he wouldn’t want to. He wants her to be happy, even if that means dealing with her chatting with the guy she’s leaving him for on the phone. I don’t know if he’s got some cuckold fantasies or what, but I don’t think this is honorable at all- I think it’s spineless.
This. It wouldn’t matter if he was young and broke- he’d be out on his ass and everyone who’s saying the OP is being honorable in this thread would be telling her “you go girl!”
When my husband was 19, and his long-term girlfriend 18, both living in Maryland, she got a job with the NSA (National Security Agency for you non-'mericans out there ); after almost a year with the NSA, they wanted to send her to a job in England. She was so scared to do it alone, she talked him into them getting married, though they were both awfully young for it.
After slightly less than a year of marriage, he caught her (in their bed! Talk about a slap in the face) cheating on him. But it was three months before he could get a flight home! In that time, he slept on the sofa. But I’m guessing it was a rough three months!
The happy ending to the story? Six months after his return home, he and I started dating. We celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary last November.
You can recover from this; and while your story is slightly different from my husband’s (in his case, he was the one being wronged), I can certainly understand you letting her stay until she can GTFO.
For what it’s worth, I’d say that there’s a fairly decent chance that’s she will try and sleep with you over the next ten days. It will be her way of having some control over the situation and and power over you. Resist this temptation. In fact, if making her leave is not an option, you can spend the rest of your time together lecturing her on what a failure she is at adult life. I’m sure this message board can give you talking points.
More useful yet, if you could have a attractive woman pick you up for a date a six or seven days from now when she’s at home to witness it. Surely someone here can volunteer for that?
I only have one piece of advice for the OP: If your best friend were telling you this story, down to every last gory detail, what would you tell him to do?
It’s been my experience with situations like this that once you detach yourself from the emotions involved, it’s pretty easy to know the right thing to do.
My WAG? Some people are bitter about their own experiences and taking it out on the OP. Because only the heard-hearted survive. Or something.
To be fair, my honest assessment is that it’s probably not good for him to be living in the same house with someone who has hurt him so deeply. But that’s a choice he’s got to make and there’s no sense insulting and haranguing him into doing something he’s not comfortable with.
I tend to agree with the value of being civil, especially to those who hurt you, because letting someone transform you into a rage-filled bitter ex is allowing that person to control you just as much as letting them transform you into a doormat. Sometimes the greatest revenge against someone who has betrayed you is to not let their actions corrupt who you are.
How hard will you jump on me for being a sexist pig if I suggest that there’s something to it that the three who are against our suggestions are women? Because I think there’s something to it.
I’m a woman, and I’m angry at the degree of “doormatness” we’ve got going on. I’m pissed because I can’t stand women who consistently rely on men to “save” them or take care of them. What I can’t stand even more than those women, however, are the men who allow them to remain helpless and aid them in continuing to skate through life. The posters comments that this guy “preyed” on her leads me to believe he finds her somewhat of an innocent victim here, which is infuriating. By allowing her to stay in the home and continuing to act in a way that is consistent with his declaration that he “wants her to be happy,” she will learn nothing from this experience and will continue to flit through life, from one sucker to the next, never learning how to be a self sufficient adult.
What’s worse, when Neo moves on to a future, hopefully healthy, relationship with a self sufficient, independant woman, this leech will inevitably return expecting him to rescue her once again. Hopefully, he won’t. When you’re this much of a sucker though, chances are that he’ll fall for her helpless victim act and get sucked in again. Who will get screwed in that scenerio? The normal, self sufficient chick.
Why yes, I do speak from personal experience. Why do you ask?
); after almost a year with the NSA, they wanted to send her to a job in England. She was so scared to do it alone, she talked him into them getting married, though they were both awfully young for it.