I think the OP has stated pretty clearly that he’s not kicking her out, but for those of you who want to find him ticket fares, you might want to look out of SFO and Oakland rather than LA-area airports.
I don’t think of it as kicking her out.
Let’s put it this way. If you were in the girlfriend’s situation, and someone offered you a chance to get away early, wouldn’t you jump at it? I assume she’s a normal human being, not a sociopath, so it can’t be comfortable for her, can it?
How old is this chick? The OP is 33. My guess is at least late twenties. That’s old enough to be expected to be able to fend for ones self for a week and a half. She made her choice, now she has to face the consequences.
If he must, he could spring for a fleabag motel for her. He should not, however, try to act like everything is cool for the next two weeks. If she cared one iota about him, she would be making arrangements to get the hell out of there, like, yesterday. All of her actions we know of thus far have shown her to be a selfish, untrustworthy, coldhearted bitch.
As for the OP, sometimes there’s a fine line between being a decent human being and being a doormat. You’re sounding dangerously close to the latter.
You are saying she made plans to move out without ever telling you. I have no comment.
A fleabag motel for two weeks is going to cost a heck of a lot more than the $209 a plane ticket will cost.
My (now ex-)girlfriend is 22, which I think is part of the problem. She has herself convinced that this is all about striking out on her own, proving she can “make it as an adult” without anyone supporting her. I have no doubt this other guy preyed on that notion and “encouraged” her.
It’s not as if I didn’t want her to do this–since we came to California, I’ve encouraged her many times to join groups, volunteer, do whatever it takes to help her feel like she belongs out here. She has tried pretty hard to get a job out here (with no luck), but I guess she just wasn’t willing to take those extra steps. She was unhappy and frustrated at being unable to find a job quickly, I underestimated just how upset it was making her, she started talking to this other guy online, and in less than a month she decided to leave me.
I appreciate people looking up tickets, but that won’t really work. She has a lot of stuff out here–way too much to carry with her (and enough that it would be crazy expensive to ship back to IL). A friend of hers has already agreed to fly out here and help her pack, and then they’re going to drive back starting on the 25th.
I fully expect this plan to blow up in her face for a number of reasons, but unfortunately that does nothing to make me feel better. I don’t want her to be unhappy, but I know that’s how this is going to end.
Repeat after me: “Fortunately, this is no longer my problem.”
Stranger
Christ man, stop coddling her! Now you’re just making me angry. She’s 22, not 12. You’re her ex boyfriend, not her daddy. Stop making excuses for her and stop making excuses as to why you can’t cut ties NOW. This is not that guy’s fault, either. She’s not an innocent victim.
What’s your excuse for not paying to have her stay in a fleabag motel and out of your face? Are you guys still sharing the same bed, too? Or are you sleeping on the couch?? That would seriously be too much, man.
Independance/privacy boundaries are hard in a lot of relationships. A lot of people…and I am one of them…absolutely NEED time away from the people they otherwise share a lot with. It’s especially a see-saw situation if the person in question tends to bend toward what the other person wants, relationship-wise. Making a big move/unemployed/no close friends nearby = needing an outlet, somewhere. I started smoking again in one relationship just because that was the only time I was doing what I wanted to do. It’s harder than it sounds to tell the person you’re with that you really just need some emotional space, without it sounding like the end of the relationship. So far, that conversation, by the time I get around to it, usually IS the end of the relationship; any guy on the other end of the line is just an excuse. <haven’t done THAT in decades, but been there, done that>
So, before your girl pushes you away in order to get some space to run around <think ‘horse’; horses like to run, doesn’t mean they’re GOING anywhere, they just need to run!> try giving her her head. Like a horse, not like a battlefield casualty.
FWIW, 3 hours that late at night with no explanation?
It’s late in the game; you need to have “A Talk”.
Uff da; I should have read beyond the first page.
/facepalm
Bluntly put, I can’t afford to put her up in a motel for two weeks. She’s sleeping on the couch.
Neo-Calredic, I’m so sorry for the position you’re in. This sucks, man.
I haven’t been able to read all 7 pages of this thread, so sorry if this repeats.
My advice? If you don’t have the funds to send her home NOW, today is the first Friday of the rest of your life! Get out there with your other friends and ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF EVERY MINUTE!
Forget about her NOW, spend your evenings having a blast somewhere, bring a few chicks home, get drunk and stay drunk all weekend! Whatever it takes!!!
Or, for a more productive use of your time, visit the other thread where someone is looking for a new hobby to learn in three or four days and spend your weekends doing that. Go to concerts, go to the park, buy a dog, rent a dog, go to church, play with kids. But GET BUSY until she is GONE!!! Don’t let her see you mourn for a minute; there will be plenty of time for that when you’re alone.
And remember, The Dopers love you!
JK
I, for one, am proud of you for at least reclaiming your bed. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but it **will **be okay.
Yep. You need to do now whatever you will be able to live with in the future. Do you want to tell a future girlfriend that you put an old one out on the curb? Justifiable!=right. You’d just feel double-guilt; don’t bother. Do it right, get it over-with, take a deep breath, and move on.
Yeah, it’s a sh*tty situation, but luckily, it’s a temporary situation for you. She on the otherhand will have to live with herself forever. She is officially the problem of the schmoe in Illinois, and just because she’s under your roof for a week does not change this.
I second the notion to busy yourself for the next week or so. She might have to be there, but you don’t have to keep her entertained.
I’m so, so sorry you’re going though this. And I really respect that you’re concerned with her wellbeing even though she’s treated you so shabbily. That’s a wonderful (and rather rare) quality in a man.
My boyfriend went through almost the exact same situation at the same age as you, a few years before we met. The bitch really broke his heart, and I’ll resent her forever for that (as will he I’m sure). I don’t even know his ex or much about her, but I know how she ended it - just like your ex did. There is no excuse for treating someone who loves you, is kind to you, and who is supporting you financially in this manner.
Anyway, he met me, we’ve been together for 5 years and will be for many more. We’re crazy about each other and I would never, ever betray him (or anyone else I cared about). You’ll find someone who deserves your love and trust, too. I wish you didn’t have to hurt like this though.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
:rolleyes:
How long do you think a woman would let her boyfriend sleep on the couch after she found out he was planning on cheating?
If you knew he was going to be gone and out of your life for good in a week?
There are a few female white knights out there, too.
Besides, by taking the high road, you get to be unsufferably smug about it afterwards.
The fact that she’s pretty young (so more likely to not have credit cards or any money saved), probably broke, jobless, and in a strange city where she doesn’t know anyone within 5 states distance -makes this situation a bit different. Also the OP doesn’t have the extra money to get her out of there sooner.
More men I know than women have a problem with letting their anger at someone overcome their ability to empathize with them. JMO and a generalization, of course.
OP- I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Resolve this as you see best- you are the only one who will have to live with yourself afterwards. Act as you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror.
No, she’s not. :rolleyes:
This girl is a flaky twit, bottom line. She moved across the country to show off her big girl panties, and failed miserably. She now needs to hike those panties back up, call whoever she has to call at home, get money sent to her so she can AGAIN prove what a big girl she is moving BACK across the country. Whatever.
Seems she can’t seem to play adult without others paying her way. Showing her the door will give her a BIG lesson about the adult world that the rest of us live in every day. Sadly that is not going to happen.
I’m wondering if the OP can see his house from all the way atop that big wooden cross. Stop being a martyr, dude. You’re NOT being the hero/bigger person/good guy here. She suckered you once before and she’s clearly doing it again. She KNOWS your weaknesses and she is preying on them. And you’re letting her. I hate to say it, but whatever misery occurs over these 2 weeks is really your own doing. I really and truly hope you wake up tomorrow with a different perspective on this situation, I really, really do. 