Of course. But you can frame it as “I can’t believe this guy woo’d her in just a couple of weeks, there must be something wrong with me, I must be worthless, etc.” or you can frame it as “Wow, yeah, the timing on that wasn’t right.”
I spent six months after my last break up wondering how within a month of dumping me, he’s moved in with a slightly dim emotionally immature virgin college sophomore who can’t actually speak English but does a great job washing his laundry every night and giggles at everything he says.
I spent months beating myself up, looking for the part of me that is defective- wondering if I needed to lose weight, act more insecure to stoke guy’s ego, be less slutty, be sluttier, scale back my career expectations, etc. Spent months wondering what she had that I didn’t. Then I finally admitted to myself guys mostly come to China to date Chinese girls, and eventually he was going to want to do that. No flaw on my part, just not what he was looking for at the time.
Can I ask how old New Guy is? Just curious. (My gut can’t decide if she’s still looking for a daddy figure or if she realized it’s better to date your own age.)
I think neither. You have to keep in mind that the guy she’s talking with lives closer to home. Reconnecting with all her old friends, etc is probably tempting.
Agreed. In fact, those two things probably are the two most important factors (by which I mean don’t beat yourself up, Neo - it wasn’t some kind of fundamental flaw in you that drove her away; just a basic incompatibility).
While I lean towards the “kick the cheater out, throwing some money at her if necessary” camp, I think you’re likely doing what’s best for your own sense of self-respect, Neo. It sounds as if she just wasn’t ready for this commitment, and dealt with the realization in a stupid, immature way.
I second these words from niblet_head:
When you are able and have a little temporal and emotional distance, I hope you can learn and grow from this, to help you find the right woman for you for the rest of your life. Until then, feel free to be hurt, angry, self-pitying, etc. Let the grief run its course, and ask the Dope for help when you need it.
All this is just rationalization. The fact is, and I know this from experience, if you haul your significant other halfway across the country just for your job and your dream… well, it often sounds good on paper to the tagger-along, but when the reality of the situation hits, it’s different. They have no social networks, no friends. No matter how accomodating or understanding you are, if you’re paying all the bills, then they feel they have no power or influence in the relationship. They feel they don’t even have a voice and shouldn’t say anything. Once that is the case, unless there is a raving axe murderer waiting for them back home, all it takes is the tiniest breath of something good to make them move back.
So basically nobody’s at fault here, it was just an unrealistic strategy from the get-go. Doubly so for a 22-year-old because they’re basically still children and have no self-awareness (again, speaking from experience). Now you know this; plan better in the future.
You’re doing the right thing. You don’t have to be an asshole about this. You should, however, be a hard-ass. This was your dream, but she did sign up for it. No more money for her, no assistance beyond helping carry her stuff out of her house; no tolerating late-night phone calls from back home saying “I screwed up”. You don’t do anything for her that a boyfriend or even a friendly roommate would do. She wants independence; moving her ass out of your house can be her very first homework exercise. She doesn’t need to be your enemy, but she has certainly done you no favors and is not your friend. I’m sure you’ll work all this out… remember, there are way too many people out there to worry about the ones who leave you.
Words to live by.
Evil Neo can at least take solace in the fact that the girl will not have a trusting relationship with her new boyfriend. New Guy will always have, somewhere in the back of his mind If she did it to him, then it’s only a matter of time before she does it to me.
She won’t get very many chances to go out for “secretive phone calls” which involve, I suspect, her meeting Newer New Guy at a hotel that is convieniently close to the airport.
What about the shithead who knew she had a boyfriend but still bored his way into her heart and life without a stray thought for the OP? I’m pretty damn sure he didn’t think the girl in question was single, more like he wanted the girl, saw a relationship teetering on the brink, and then pushed it over the edge. Christ, I’ve done the same thing myself* in the past and I know how men think in situations like that (or at least how assholes like me do). New Guy is not innocent at all and needs to be put in his place somehow.
*of course, when the ex=boyfriend called to bitch me out, as I’m suggesting here, I let him rant on and on, staying silent until he finished, and then said, “Yeah. I’ll think about all that while I’m fucking (girlfriend) tonight” and then hung-up.
First of all, kudos on the teabagging. Second of all, this is exactly why the OP shouldn’t attempt to bitch out the other guy unless he’s skilled in the art of pwning.
kidney, what good could possibly come out of what you’re suggesting? You said yourself, when you were in new guy’s position you didn’t give a shit about the ex boyfriend whining to you, so why would this guy? What should Neo expect, that the guy would be all “dude, you’re totally right! I’m gonna tell her to go back to you right NOW! Thank you, Neo, for showing me the error of my ways!”
Comon’ man, that’s just stupid. Plus, it takes some of the responsibility for what happened off of the ex-girlfriend, which isn’t right. No one can “steal” your mate from you. If it wasn’t this dude, it’d be some other one. When someone wants to leave, they’ll find a way. Blaming the new mate just deflects responsibility off of the proper party.
Neo, I really do wish you the best of luck, despite my earlier lectures. Stay strong and know, deep down in your heart, that this will get better.
Neo, I’m glad you’re sticking to your guns. That is, by not buying a gun and/or throwing her out. Being a dick might make you feel a little bit better in the short term, but you’ll probably just spend the next week worrying about her anyway, which sure as hell won’t do you any more good than seeing her on the couch in the morning.
Of course, trying to bitch the guy out over the phone is always going to be ineffectual and impotent. That’s why you physically have to beat the shit out of the guy, stomp on his balls and make them inoperable.*
The revenge crabs are also still a good option.
*I’m being hyperbolic. I do not advise the OP to actually do this.