You’ve made (some) peace with not kicking her out - she will be gone shortly. My (probably dreadful) advice is that you simply isolate yourself from her. She sleeps on the couch, does whatever chores she’s supposed to, but don’t try acting like things are fine between you two. In other words, don’t have a ‘movie night’ with her or spend much time with her. You are already doing her a huge favor.
After she’s out, I’d lose her number or block it. Simply disassociate yourself with that portion of your history until you are able to emotionally handle it again. By that, I mean, until your reason and rationality are stronger then your emotional desire to potentially reconnect with her when things go sour with this new guy.
I do agree with the posters who suggest that you need to get out of your place. Go to a club, join a gym, take up basket weaving. Whatever you do, don’t dwell and don’t attempt to get pity from her.
Life isn’t fair, people aren’t always rational, and when you get screwed its easy to set yourself into a ‘victim’ cycle. Don’t succumb to it. Do whatever you have to, to convince yourself that this relationship is over - because if you don’t and if she decides to crawl back, the chances are good that things will end up bad again anyway. You are doing yourself a favor here.
The only person who definitely looks out for your happiness and your well being is (or SHOULD BE) yourself.
Agreed - you’re not a victim; you’re a guy who had a thing happen to him. It’s an experience that you’ll learn from, and you’ll take it with you to your next relationship, but it doesn’t have to get in the way of future relationships.
Neo, I think you are awesome. If ever I were in a situation as fucked up as you are in now (knock on wood), I hope I’d be able to conduct myself in such an honourable way as you did. That takes a certain kind of class, mate.
Bravo.
And on a side note: for that site Norinew, I reckon burning in hell would be well worth it.
No, he doesn’t. He hit on a girl who wasn’t married. That is 100% kosher in my book. Lots of people decide to be loosely committed to one person UNTIL they meet someone they like better. It’s called “dating.” Living together complicates a break-up, for obvious logistic reasons, but doesn’t make breaking up less ethical.
Now, the OPer certainly has cause to be angry and disappointed at his ex, especially for lying to him. He has every right to tell her to get out of their shared home. But seeking the other guy out to “put him in his place” is nothing more than a Jerry Springer-type overreaction. People who are civilized date with the realization that things might or might not work out. C’est la vie. Pick up the pieces and move on, with your dignity intact.
People who are civilized don’t try to mack on people who are in ostensibly committed, long term relationships. Marriage" is kind of an artificial boundary here.
While, as I guy, I have the duty, attitude and history of sticking up for the guy :)…and what she did to the OP was terrible…I can have empathy for her. Here is someone with no means of support (and therefore immature) moving a huge distance to a new area of the country where she doesn’t know anyone who then thinks she made a big mistake and grasps at any straws to get out.
That doesn’t mean the OP should have sympathy.
To the OP - Call her parents. Tell her that she dumped you and that she needs to leave now…they can send money and get her home. Doesn’t matter that the plane ticket is in 2 weeks…she can get a flight back now.
You don’t owe her anything. You are not married. You are not even engaged. This is simply a breakup. She dumped you so she needs to be gone.
Neo, I am late to the party but I wanted to give you my best wishes and second some of the posters here. I know what you are doing. I would do the same. I’d rather walk out of the relationship with a feeling that I took the higher ground the whole time. In ten years’ time I’d rather look back and say “That person hurt me more than anyone but I reacted to it as well as I could.”
Hang in there. Get some hobbies, like others have said. I am glad she is at least doing the chores - it’s hard to suddenly live like roomies but it has to be so.
Today is the 17th. That leaves you barely more than a week.
As for calling the guy, I recommend against that too.
Good luck, and I’d pass you a hug but Internet hugs are a bit silly. Consider yourself hugged anyway.
For what it’s worth Neo, it could always be worse.
AT least she didn’t emotionally or cyber cheat on you with an ex-stalker who she spent 15 years living in fear of, only to have it turn into “love” as soon as he apologized.
Other than that, and timescale (I’m stuck living with my “wife” for at least 6 months, if not longer) and the existence of a child, our situations are very very similar.
I, however, am much more of a doormat than you are.
Agreed. More noble, IMHO. Neo would be a doormat if he allowed her to invite the new guy over, let them have sex on the bed and Neo offered to wash the sheets afterwards.
Eleven years (50% more years lived) tends to mellow people out and think a little more rationally and not be totally reactionary.
When my marriage imploded my wife and I continued to live together until she got a job and could get out on her own. I tell myself it was for the children’s sake… perhaps that’s true - hard to say.
Looking back over the years, though, the nasty divorce, the lawyers, and all that I can see that, in most cases, I took the high road when I had the option (and still try to do so). It’s faint comfort but I do simply like myself better for having done that.
That said, there’s a fine line between “high road” and “doormat” in some cases. I’ve crossed that line to the doormat side sometimes and that feeling sucks.
Just hang in there, keep an eye on the calendar and keep, please, to reiterate the earlier suggestion, don’t have sex with her. That way lies pain (voice of experience).
Aughh, I’d been following this whole tortured thread, stopped reading once they had their talk and everything seemed hunky-dory, and then just saw yesterday that it had become 10 pages long.
Neo, I think you’re awesome. It would be so easy to react to the powerless feeling of being broken-up-with to wield the power that you DO have- i.e., her living situation. The fact that you’re not allowing yourself to do that says a lot about you. And, those things said, you do still need to feel angry. If you’re not feeling at all angry towards her right now, you’re probably repressing it.
When I was living with my ex at 25 yo and decided to break up with him, I spent the entire week beforehand finding an apartment to lease so that I’d immediately have somewhere to go and bring my stuff to. And this was in NYC. The day I broke up with him, he got angry, I threw all my shit in, like, 10 garbage bags while he ranted at me, tossed them in a cab, and lugged it all up to my new apartment by myself. It sucked and it was hella expensive but that’s what happens when you’re living with someone and you decide to break up with them. You GET YOUR ASS OUT ASAP. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Another late comer. I feel your pain. The age difference was definitely your enemy here. (Been there).
Thank goodness you didn’t actually get married, this could have been even more disasterous.
You’re a good soul; keep your dignity, and learn from this. Taking the high road earned you lots of kharma points. She (and the douchebag in Illinois) lost a lot of points.
That said, promise yourself you will not take her back ever. Think of her as the female equivalent of a wifebeater. You will not change her; she’s shown herself to be faithless. This trait is never lost. She will do “this” again. Do not let yourself be trodden on twice.
