Girlfriend visiting ex-boyfriend. Am I wrong for being irritated?

In My Humble Opinion
121

Look, the idea that only skanky hos and manipulative bastards cheat is bunk. Lots of people cheat. Normal people cheat. Nice people cheat. It happens all the time. You know it, I know it, the American people know it. People who cheat aren’t monsters that you can recognize by the fangs and horns, they are normal people with a normal impulse that they didn’t bother to control. And the reasons they didn’t control that impulse could be as the number of cheaters.

So, a person having a fight with their SO, then going halfway across the country to meet someone they used to have sex with? A recipe for cheating. Not that cheating will happen all the time, not even that cheating will happen most times, not even that cheating is pretty likely to happen. Just that this is the sort of situation where cheating happens.

And the contention that you’re less likely to cheat with an ex, because you know why it won’t work out? I don’t buy it. Usually people don’t break up because the SEX wasn’t working out, but because of other reasons…different life goals, one person wants kids, one person works too much, one person has a dealbreaking habit (alcohol, drugs, gambling, extreme sports), one person moves away for a job, they fought too often over money, whatever. How many times have you heard the cliche, “I love them, but I know I can’t be with them”? I know I’ve had sex with people after we’ve broken up because the relationship wouldn’t work. But I still wanted sex, they still wanted sex, and one thing led to another. Of course, in those situations I wasn’t cheating because I wasn’t attached to anyone, but I still knew the relationship wasn’t going anywhere and still had sex.

Of course men and women can have platonic friendships, it happens all the time. But if I had a female friend who I enjoyed hanging out with, talking with, having conversations with, and doing fun things with, I’d be more likely to want to have sex with her, not less. I’m now married to that woman.

122

Except she wasn’t going across the country to meet this guy, she was visiting friends/family and thought oh well, I’m in the area, might as well have coffee with the guy!

How many times does it have to be repeated?

123

I never said she went there to have sex with the guy, or that the only reason she went there was to meet the guy. But she went across the country and she met the guy.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. It doesn’t count, there are fewer witnesses, you were drunk, it didn’t mean anything, it was just sex, it made you realize how much you appreciate what you have at home.

124

Yeah, you did:

You sure are making it sound like her purpose in going across the country to meet up with her ex. She wasn’t.

I think, if you cheat, you pretty much are a skanky ho or a manipulative bastard. There’s really no excuse for it that I would accept.

That’s precisely why I wouldn’t sleep with an ex, because I know it won’t work out in any romantic way. Seems perfectly logical to me. Seems to me like people who don’t believe this concept have this mentality:

AHA, now we come to it. YOU wouldn’t be able to be friends with an ex you still liked as a person because YOU would want to sleep with her. Of course you’re suspicious! You’re the one who is guilty of this kind of thinking, so you find it very difficult to see it another way. This does not mean that other people have this issue. You’re projecting your own mindset onto other people. Please try to understand that not everyone is like this.

125

Guilty? What am I guilty of? That I’d rather have sex with a person I had a lot in common with, that I enjoyed being around, that I could have a conversation with, that I had a shared history with, over some person I happened to meet randomly that I noticed had a sexy figure?

I’m not planning on sleeping with any exes because first, I don’t have many exes, second most are married, third I’m not in contact with them anymore, much.

Obviously, I CAN and WILL control my desires to have sex with other people. But I think pretending that those desires don’t exist, or that they are abnormal desires, is very helpful.

126

Guilty of making assumptions, definitely, and assuming the worst of people. You seem to think that just about anyone could cheat, that evil lurks in the hearts of everyone. No. Not everyone would cheat, it doesn’t “just happen,” and people can be friends with people they used to find sexy without still wanting them sexually anymore.

I’m not accusing you of being a cheater, and I apologize if I seemed to be doing so.

For me, they used to exist but they don’t anymore. Certainly they are not “abnormal” desires, but neither is my way of doing things abnormal. I can’t vouch for my exes, but I never feel anything weird coming from them, and their partners like me, and you’d think they’d be the ones to have a problem, if anyone does.

All I’m saying is, not everyone is guilty of the things you claim they are.

127

Heads up, people, this is not the Pit. Keep the attitudes under control. You know where the Pit is if you feel the need.

I am not going to move this thread. If it loses it, I’ll simply close it. I’d hate to do that; there’s been some interesting thoughts here, which I’d like to see continue.

So chill, OK?

128

Beautifully said.

What’s actually *funny *about this thread is that if you read one of those ‘Nice Guy’ threads, all the blokes start posting saying ‘If a woman ever tags you with the ‘Friend’ label, it’s all over - you can forget about her ever seeing you romantically’ and yet, in this thread, it’s the guys (almost unanimously) who are saying ‘Everybody knows that women can’t be trusted with guys they say are just their friends’.

Talk about wanting it both ways. :smiley:

Put me down on the side of the gals who a) like their exes as friends and b) don’t mind at all if their partners want to speak with *their *exes.

As has been said before in this thread: Exes are Exes for a reason.

129

Look, the main point I want to make is that regular, average people cheat. The MAJORITY of people admit to having cheated. It’s not just skanky hos. According to surveys more that 50% of people admit to cheating. Are most people skanky hos? Yes, cheating is a pretty shitty thing to do to someone, but it certainly isn’t wildly unlikely, something that only a sociopath would do.

Some people in this thread seemed to be giving the advice that if his girlfriend wasn’t a skanky ho there then there was no possibility she would cheat. All he has to do is look for the horns and tail to tell if his girlfriend is a she-demon in disguise, and if she’s not a she-demon he’s got nothing to worry about.

And yeah, everyone is capable of cheating. Even Jimmy Carter lusted in his heart. Not that everyone will cheat. It’s just that the impulse to cheat will happen, and if the impulse to cheat isn’t resisted then the cheating “just happens”. How hard is it to resist that impulse? Normally it’s not very hard, just like we resist the impulse to punch our boss in the face, or we resist the impulse to turn off the alarm and go back to sleep when it’s a work day. For some people it’s easier than for other people.

When people cheat, who do they cheat with? It’s not usually some skanky ho they picked up in a bar, but someone they’re around a lot. The spouse of their best friend. The best friend of their spouse. Their co-worker from the office. Surely you’ve seen this happen? In your family, among your friends? I’ve never cheated on anyone, and I never plan to, but cheating isn’t an inhuman action done by monsters, it’s a human action done by weak, needy people.

130

I didn’t notice anyone making such an argument, i don’t think.

For the most part, as far as i can tell, people have been arguing that the simple fact that a woman wants to meet and have a meal with her ex-boyfriend is not an indication that she is likely to cheat. That was certainly my argument. I was simply trying to counter the myth that any contact between ex-partners is a sexual bonfire waiting to happen.

I’m well aware that very normal, average people cheat. People who seem very nice cheat; people who seem like assholes cheat; boring people cheat; interesting people cheat; smart people cheat; dumb people cheat.

131

And that’s the crux of it to me. To answer the OP’s question, I say no, you are not wrong to be irritated. Because many average people can and do cheat. The only assurance you really have is to know the motivations of your partner. Questions like “how good of friends were they before their relationship? Why did they break-up (just because she moved away?) …”. If you have been with your partner a long time and have had good communication, you should already know a lot of these things. But you probably won’t if you haven’t been together that long.

If I had only been seeing someone for a short while and out of the blue they told me they were going to visit an ex while they were in another state it’s possible I would be pretty upset if they didn’t reassure me somehow (and going by the OP’s word, it didn’t sound like he had much reassurance).

I just don’t believe like others here seem to, that as soon as you are in a relationship you can magically trust your partner 100%. Trust takes time. You are not a monster or a control freak for having anxiety at the start of a relationship.

In my own case, for the first three years of the relationship with my wife, she was away in Africa collectively for about two years. I had no problem trusting her. She said to me before she left “I won’t bother cheating on you, if I feel the urge, I’ll just dump you first.”

132

Yep.

I barely know Mr. Krebb’s - only from what he has posted here. I know his girlfriend only through his description of the girlfriend. She could be a skanky ho. She could be blowing complete strangers in the bathroom at hockey games - much less cheating with an ex. But she could also be a woman who is visiting an ex boyfriend because she happens to be in town and enjoy his company. Or wants to catch up on old gossip. Or he wants to fan the flame, and she is one of those “nice girls” who can’t tell him “take a hike, its over” (which doesn’t mean she’ll cheat, just that she will listen to him whine about his life without her while she thinks “what a loser!”) Maybe he asked to see her because he found out the girlfriend before her had Clymidia and he needs to pass along the information and doesn’t want to say “hey, I think I gave you an STD” over the phone.

What I do know is that, as a woman, before I got married I became very sensative to guys who wanted to control me in any fashion. Whether that was what I wore or who my friends were. And it was never a good sign for the relationship long term. Compromise is necessary in a relationship - manipulation or control is not good - and expressing a desire that I not see someone because it made a boyfriend uncomfortable fell into the second category for me. Sometimes, its a really serious bad sign - an early indicator of domestic violence. I doubt Mr. Krebb’s is going there, but that is what would be scaring me out the door.

Now, I personally don’t think you can really control if something makes you irratated. And its often a sign that something is wrong with the story. So I’d encourage Mr. Krebb’s to really look at why he is irritated - if this is simply his own self esteem than this is something he needs to work on. If this is a warning sign of someone who cheats, or someone who is trying to manupulate HIM through jealosy - its time to move on. I can get all three of those scenarios from what has been posted. And it might be a little of all of them.

133

I believe that people can be friends with exes, and that people can be friends with the opposite sex without sex being a factor.

But I also believe that seeing an ex and pointedly not making an attempt to allay their current so’s concerns, then going incommunicado and blowing up at them at the slightest hint of concern, is not love, or true friendship, for that matter.

134

Same here.

I have no problem with my SO being friends with his exes (though if he wants to speak to any of them for whatever reason, he insists on me being by his side, but I wouldn’t care if he didn’t want that). Men and women, exes or not, can easily be friends. Hell, most of my friends are men, albeit not exes.

But there are some people out there who seem to think that the slightest hint of uncomfortableness from a partner equals controlling, or manipulation. No, sometimes, they’re just being honest, and need some reassurance. Some people just treat their lovers like a doormat, figuring once they’ve “got” them, there’s no reason to worry about their feelings anymore, figuring anything they do, they’ll just get over it. Not always, but I’ve seen it often enough.

So, yeah, I’m all for men and women, exes and all, being friends, but when one shows a lack of concern for their SO over it, that’s pretty shitty. I can easily see both sides here, truly, and I have to say: if neither of them can cope or find a decent compromise with the others’ actions, it might be time to end things off and allow each other to find someone better suited to their individual needs. They can even end off as friends. You know, before things get really nasty.

135

Mr. Bus Guy initiated a post, a few weeks back, that was very analogous to the
question at hand. He and his SO handled the situation in a mature adult manner.
Might be worth the OP’s time to read it.
I would post a link, but I can’t remember the title. Maybe someone else can find it.

136

I thought seriously about that. I wanted to say that back when I was single that I would have heard “I really want you to see Ray because I want you to do the things you enjoy, but I need to tell you that I feel scared and threatened by it” as an endearing admission of honesty and a guy that was truly in touch with his feelings and that I would have respected that and taken it into consideration. But I’m not sure that most people can pull off a statement like that without sounding like they bought a one way ticket to Needyville. Maybe that makes me a lesser person than I’d truly like to be.

Now, after ten+ years of marriage, Brainiac4 can pull off a statement like that. But it would have to be a fairly long term and emotionally intimate relationship with a track record before it wouldn’t spook me.

137

Mr. Krebbs pretty much admitted that his GF didn’t try to allay his fears because this was an ongoing pattern with them and she was sick of trying to defuse his paranoia. How many times do you have to reassure someone until you just have to say, this is your problem, not mine? Deal with this or don’t, but I’m not?

I think, if you read between the lines of this story, you can see what’s going on. I don’t even think Mr. Krebbs is really denying it. He also seems to have reached a rapproachment with her, so that’s good. I wish people stop trying to persuade him something sinister is going on here.

138

If this is how you speak to people who you disagree with:

…I’m guessing you don’t have too many of them.
An emotional affair is where you are focusing your energies and attentions on someone who is not your SO. Of example, if I am constantly hanging out with a female friend, having long talks until the wee hours of the morning, going to movies and shopping and otherwise bonding as people who are close do, I’m probably not doing these things with my SO. And if you aren’t doing this kind of stuff with your SO, one wonders why. Maybe your relationships is just one of convenience and will probably never progress furthur.

139

No, I speak this way to people who accuse me of idiotic and offensive things to further their argument.

[quotee]
An emotional affair is…
[/quote]

I know what an emotional affair is. I’m not having them with my friends.

Who said focusing? You. You’re putting words in my mouth. When I break up with someone, unless there’s some prospect of reconciliation (in which case we wouldn’t be trying to be friends, we’d be working on getting back together), we don’t spend the same amount of time together. Some distance and a shift in relations are necessary to transition from a romance to a friendship. Your assumptions are incorrect if you think the only difference is that we’re not screwing. Part of the reason I break up with people is because we were not getting along in a way that would sustain the kind of intimacy and close contact of a romance.

You are TOTALLY making this up if you think I said I’m doing this with my exes. We don’t constantly hang out. We rarely stay up to the wee hours together, and we definitely don’t go shopping. We do friend things-- lunch, movies, parties, group gatherings, gaming. Friend stuff.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

140

The big point, that I think a lot of people here are missing, is that the GF and the EX had not remained friends. They had had no contact for four years. All of the anecdotes, experiences and opinions relative to remaining friends with your ex’s are really irrelevant to this particular situation. Mr. Krebbs has no frame of reference for this relationship. He has not met the man, spoken to the man, probably hasn’t heard much about him and has never seen the EX and the GF interact. It’a a relative unknown to him so, given his natural insecurities, the distance and what sounds like a relatively new relationship, he is imagining the worst case scenario. When given “blanks” to fill in, many people will fill them in with much worse projections than the reality. And given that the girlfriend initiated the contact after four years, just add fuel to his internal fire. Who knows? She may be feeling quite serious about Mr. Krebbs and just needed to know that some ember she carried for the EX was dead, done and gone so that she could now turn her full attention and emotional output to her current relationship with no regrets. Or not. Only she knows for sure (and maybe her hairdresser…)

But my point is, if this had been an ongoing friendship as many people are describing their own relationships with exes, he could reassure himself that they had remained friends, had chosen not to re-involve themselves and so it wouldn’t feel as threatening. If he had spoken to the guy, gotten a feel from him where he stood with the GF or seen them together and had a chance to assess their relationship in that context, he would probably have felt differently. Maybe better, maybe worse, depending on the type of interaction he witnessed. I think it was the unknown in the situation that was the most uncomfortable.