Surely you’re not serious?
I AM serious, and don’t call me Shirley!
Announcer: Well, folks it looks like Bullwinkle is in real trouble this time.
Bullwinkle: Good! I hate that make believe kind.
A piece of string is at the bar, being very unruly. Finally, the bartender gets fed up and kicks him out. The string goes around to the back alley, beats the crap out of himself, throws himself against the wall, hits himself in the face, ties himself in a knot, and then walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and says “Aren’t you that piece of string I just kicked out of here?”
“Nope. I’m a frayed knot.”
Ok, so a big robot walks into a bar, the bartender looks at it and says
“I don’t serve robots”
The robot looks at him and says,
“You will…You Will!”
The difference between George W. Bush and the Catholic Church?
Two priests and a rabbi go on a hike. It’s a hot and humid day and they are sweating profusely. They clear the ridge and see a lovely pond. After but a moment’s thought, the three strip and rush into the water, splashing like schoolboys. Refreshed, one of them sees a patch of blackberries, and the three walk over to enjoy the fruit in their birthday attire. Suddenly, some women from town appear on a field trip with a dozen or so youngsters! The priests cover their genitals, and the rabbi, his face, as they race for cover. Once behind some bushes, one of the priests scolds the rabbi, “Why did you cover your face, you idiot?” the rabbi responds, “For your congregation I can’t speak, but in mine, it’s my face they would recognize!”
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I’ve got some cream for that.
Why’d the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a tomato!
Hahahahaha…
Oh mercy…
I’ll play…
What happeneed when the cannibal was late for dinner?
His wife gave him the cold shoulder.
A horse walks into a bar, bartender says “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
What’d the OP say again?
Well crap, the only joke I can think of is the one about the polish muskrat who chewed off three legs and still had one in the trap. But now way I tell an insensitive thing like that in company like this.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker are vacationing in the jungle, when they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal chief says to the Englishman:
“You! After we kill you, we will use your bones to make spears.”
The Englishman says: “Rotten luck, that.”
Then he says to the Frenchman:
“After we kill YOU, we will use your hair to string our bows.”
The Frenchman says: “Euh heu, zees eez terrible.”
Then he says to the New Yorker:
“And YOU, we will use your skin to make canoes”
The New Yorker suddenly grabs a knife and starts poking holes in his chest:
“Yo, here goes your freakin’ canoe…”
**Oooh, the travelling circus is coming to my town, and they’ve offered me a job. **
**Unfortunately, my main duty is circumcising the elephants.
The pay isn’t very much, but the tips are enormous…**
Sorry, that was awful
**What’s got lots of balls and fucks rabbits?
A shotgun…groan**
slowly crawls out of the room in shame
Ummm…
A baby seal walks into a club.
I walked into my house and my wife is sitting there in our car in the living room. I asked “How did you get here?” She said “I made a right at the kitchen”.
What, do I look like Henny Youngman up here?
Pretend my name is Witty -
What’s got lots of balls and fucks little old ladies?
A bingo machine.
And the bartender says: “What’ll it be?”
“Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks”.
A guy walks into a doctor’s office with a duck on his head.
The doctor asks “Can I help you?”
The duck says: “Yeah, get this guy off my ass.”
Two cannibals are standing around a campfire, and one says to the other, “you know, I hate my mother-in-law”
“That’s Okay.” says the second, “Just have the noodles.”
What do you call a cow with two legs?
lean beef…
What do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef…
:snort:
Mickey Mouse was finishing his consultation with a divorce lawyer.
“Now, Mr. Mouse, you’re seeking a divorce on the grounds your wife is crazy?”
“I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!”
A bear walks into a bar, the bartender says ‘what’ll ya have’.
The bear says ‘I’ll have…a beer’.
Bartender says ‘why the big pause?’
The bear says ‘cause I’m a bear’.