[way too old joke]How do you keep a jackass in suspense?[/way too old joke]
Superman sees Wonder Woman, naked and spread-eagled on the rooftop, as he flies by. She’s waiting, so he goes and has his way with her. Super fast. After he’s gone, she says “What was that.” The invisible man says, “I don’t know, but it hurt like hell.”
The newlyweds are honeymooning in the cabin in the hills. Mr. decides to go hunting in the morning, and asks Mrs. if she wants to come along. She says ‘Of course I want to come hunting with you’.
He asks her ‘Are you sure – we’ll have to get up early, and I need to know I can rely on you’.
‘Yes, I’m sure. I’m so sure, that if I don’t get up to go hunting, you can either fuck me in the ass or I’ll give you a blowjob.’
‘OK then, see you in the morning.’
Well, of course, the next morning before dawn Mr. is all dressed and ready to go, but Mrs. doesn’t want to get out of her nice warm bed.
‘Remember your promise honey, roll over.’
‘I remember, I’m sorry. But, how about the blowjob, instead?’
‘OK, suck hard baby!’
‘Oooh Yuck! That tastes awful! What the hell?’
‘The dog didn’t want to go hunting either’.
[Rainer Wolfcastle]
How come men always leave the toilet seat up?
…
That’s the joke.
[/Rainer Wolfcastle]
I will tell you tomorrow.
I think we scared the OP off. 
A man goes to the doctor complaining of a headache.
The doctor asks a few normal questions, then suddenly asks in a quieter tone “Can I ask you a personal question?”
The man says “Yes…”
The doctor asks “Well, do you masturbate…?”
The man, after an awkward silence, says “er…well…yes”
The doctor then says; “It’s magic, isn’t it?”
sorry…
Knock Knock…
who there?..
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
There was an Englishman, Irishman and a Chineseman…
decided that one day decied to go for a hot air baloon ride. So off they went having a good time and the Irishman look over the edge and exclaimed “Ahhh my beautiful Ireland.” content he sat back down and continued to enjoy the ride.
Later the same day the Englishman looked over the edge of the basket and proclaimed “Ahhh my beautiful England.” Happy to see that his homeland was still there he settled back into the basket.
Not too much later then Chineseman took his cup and saucer and tossed them over the side of the basket, quickly looking over he shouted “Ahhhh! my beautiful China”…
oooh that was bad
Black Lizard
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Arch.
Arch Who?
God bless you.
Why don’t you ever hear the number 288 mentioned on television?
It’s 2 gross. 
Nope, I’m still here…
How mant surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The Fish.2 gay men walk into a nightclub and approach the bar.
One man turns to the other and says, “Can I push in your stool?”
What is it with ducks in jokes? Dunno, but here’s another . . .
A duck walks into a bar and asked the bartender “You got any grapes?” The bartender says “Nope.”
The next day, the duck goes back into the bar and asks the bartender “You got any grapes?” The bartender says “No! Beat it!”
The day after that, the duck goes back into the bar and asks the bartender “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “No! Why would I have grapes? This is a bar. Get out!”
The day after that, the duck goes back into the bar and asks the bartender “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “No! And if you come back in here one more time asking for grapes, I’m going to nail your feet to the bar!!”
The next day, the duck goes back into the bar and asks the bartender “Got any nails?” The bartender says “No.” The duck says “Good. Got any grapes?”
HA HA HA HA HA. Sadly, that one kills me every time.
What’s red and hurts your teeth?
– A brick.
Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. Just as he finishes up, he takes a look at his watch and says, “Aw, crap. I want another, but I’ve got to run!”
“Well, how about one for the road?” says the bartender.
Descartes says, “I think not.”
And poof! he disappears.
[/quote]
A young man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Line up 12 shotglasses here on the bar in front of me and fill 'em full of whiskey.”
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but he does as he asks. And he’s amazed to watch this kid down the shots without stopping, just one after the other.
“Wow, kid,” he says. “That was some drinking! This a special occasion or something?”
“My first blowjob was tonight,” says the guy.
“Well, that is a special occasion,” says the bartender. “Tell you what, have one more shot on the house.”
“No thanks,” says the kid. “If the first 12 didn’t get the taste out of my mouth, I don’t think 13 is going to make much of a difference.”
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter, he won’t come when you call him.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen
What do you call a man with no legs when he’s in a swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a man with no legs when he’s waiting outside your door?
Matt
What’s the difference between a pile of dead people and a '57 Chevy?
I don’t have a '57 Chevy in my garage.
What’s a pirate’s favorite state?
Arrrr-kansas!
I got a million of them!
My favorite surrealist joke:
What’s the difference between a duck?
Don’t be silly, Ice cream doesn’t have bones!
What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.