Goddamn all you girls with your fucking BOYFRIENDS!

The BBQ Pit
21

You shouldn’t look for someone to complete you. You should look to complete yourself, and for someone to be with on that journey.

You shouldn’t work to find the perfect girl. You should work to make yourself someone the perfect girl would find perfect.

WL, just breathe a bit and chill. Be friends. If something romantic comes of it, great. If not, you have had the bright purity of a good friendship. (I’m currently missing a friend of mine more than my SO, having not heard from either for the same amount of time.)

And rejection does not kill you. It will happen. a Lot. It sucks, but you have to be able to take it and move on. (Take it and move on. Both parts are important.) Good Luck.

22

I wish I had some kind of joke to go with that “lament” comment in the op… :smiley:

Since I don’t, how’s this?:

Chicks… what a bunch of people, huh? :wink:

— G. Raven

23

[Miss Cleo] I predict a good ass kicking from the childless women on the board.[/Miss Cleo]

So Blink, which one are you? A parent? Mentally screwed up? Or just an asshole?

24

Boyfriend? Boyfriend?

Who gives a shit?

What are you still in the 8th grade?
Why don’t you ask a friend to ask a friend to find out if she likes you?
Jesus fucking Christ on a crutch, have you been emasculated? What happened to your balls?

“uh, can I have your phone number?”

::Beats fist on desk::

What the fuck is that?

Don’t blame the girl because you’re not enough of a man to go out and get what you want.
Did you think it was gonna be easy?

Most every good-looking girl has a boyfriend all the time. If she ain’t married, and he’s not your buddy who gives a shit?

Stop being such a whiny pussy over a little adversity.

Do you think Conan the Barbarian would worry about a boyfirend?

Do you think James Bond would say “Oh, I didn’t know you had a boyfirend.”
Fucking ROB SCHNEIDER wouldn’t let this stop him. That’s how low on the Totem Pole you are.

A fucking blind guy just climbed Everest. Stand up and be a man. You want her, go get her.

25

I don’t know about WL, but I think I just fell in love with Scylla!

26

:eek!:

Blinking Duck, what very weird things to say! Every girl in her mid-twenties has kids or is crazy in the head or diseased? If that’s true where you live, you seriously need to move.

As for the OP, yeah, rejection sucks (from both sides - don’t think women never get rejected); FWIW, I agree with Eutychus. Your attitude towards women in your rant truly sucked; I realize it was a rant, but if your attitude towards women is even a shadow of that IRL, you may want to consider making a few adjustments. How about taking a little responsibility for finding out about boyfriends yourself? How about just asking them before you start thinking about them romantically, instead of calling them a bitch later?

27

I agree 1000% with goboy. The smoldering volcano of need bit is not going to help.

You need to charm her, capture her heart, and let her not your intentions with a little panache. A lighthearted touch is also best so she doesn’t think you are a psycho, just fun.

Try this:

By yourself a black mask, a cape, and a long-stemmed rose.

The next time she comes into your store, tell her to “wait right here, you’ll be right back.” Grab her hand and look into her eyes when you say it, but don’t bet over serious about it.

Go in the back. Put on your mask and cape, and grab the rose between your teeth. Sneak out the back, and enter from the front.

Call her name and snap your cape.

Walk over with a flourish, and present her the rose on a knee.

Stand up, and look at her a moment.

Say “I am the bandito of love. And I have come to steal your heart. But like all noble banditos, I only steal what is rightfully mine. I have come to rescue you from the clutches of the foul and vile [insert boyfriend’s name here,].”

Take of your mask. Smile winningly. Open your arms.

“and now you must kiss me.”

Stand and wait. Either you have made a legendary fool of yourself the likes of which they will speak of with profound awe for ages to come, or you are about to get some serious smooching.

Make it light hearted and fun.

She may kiss you, or she may not. She might be thinking about it, so don’t panic if you start feeling like a fool.

If you think she’s thinking about it, but embarassed and a little charmed say ironically “I see that I have caught you off guard and left you stunned, my beautiful mountain flower. Fine, do not kiss me. Let me stand here in my cape looking mysterious while my heart breaks. I don’t mind. But at the very least will you allow this noble bandito to take you out to dinner tomorrow night? I promise to leave the cape at home.”

If she has any kind of heart she’ll agree. She can’t help but being charmed. Then if you blow it at dinner it’s your own fault.

And I wouldn’t have suggested this, but any woman who spent the night with you on the seawall is looking for you to convince her, that your better than the slug she’s with.

If he’s as bad as you say. You can’t fail.

28

Featherlou - It was just my experience but I know what I experienced may not be reality but it was reality for me. I went through a streak that if I was to post you would think I was making it up. All through this ‘streak’ I thought it must be some sort of bad luck, that women couldn’t truely be this screwed up in general but the streak kept going and going. After 5 years of that, you start to get the impression most people are seriously cracked.

That being said, I spent all my 20’s in rural Wyoming/South Dakota. As soon as I moved to Minneapolis I immediately started getting hits that were not all like I posted though most still had kids. I met my wife and lost all interest in continuing to date others. So, to be fair, I didn’t spend much ‘dating’ time except in rural wyoming/south dakota.

Diane, I am married. However, if I had to chose one on your list to describe myself, I would say ‘asshole’.

29

Okay… So what you’re saying is… Diane, Dr.Lao, goboy, and featherlou agree with Eutychus55 and pick “all of the above” in response to my question about what he thinks my problem is. I especially like goboy’s comment that “life is not like a rap video,” because that is clearly what I think about my life. I have this to say to that: (thank you again, kabbes)

It’s not (marginally related). I’m sorry, I thought I had made it clear in the OP that I was frustrated and a little bit down, and that anything hurtful I said was not intended to be taken seriously. Then again, it’s just not very sensible to refer to anyone as a bitch here on the SDMB and not expect to get called out for it.

Featherlou, you recommend that I should inquire about the possible existence of a boyfriend before I get interested, and this seems to me to be impractible. You want me to take responsibility for finding out about a boyfriend before I get interested, but how am I supposed to do that? Ask around? Get a friend to ask her friend if she likes me, like Scylla said? If I just ask her if she’s attached, how is that really different from asking for her number, except that it’s more awkward?

CrankyAsAnOldMan, I hear you. I’ve never liked not being in a relationship, and I’ve been trying to examine why I feel that way. There’s no good reason why I need to be with someone, maybe it’s just a phase I’m going through, or something. Maybe I’m just bored and asking girls out is like my new masochistic hobby. Who knows, I’m confident I’ll get myself figured out pretty well before I’m all done.

Thanks thinksnow and everybody for the good advice (and a hearty welcome to SteelDrill!). You too, Diane (I did in fact read to the bottom of your post, despite the criticism at the top, hee hee), for the good wishes. Regarding “cute and charming,” that’s pretty much always the angle I end up taking, so I’m lucky there are girls/women like you (and most of my first girlfriends) who like that kind of thing. From what I’ve seen, the whole confidence vs. cuteness thing is pretty evenly divided as far as what girls prefer. CrankyAsAnOldman and goboy also tell me to stick around and become “pals,” which I think is good advice as well. You never know.

Well, anyway, for the most part, you’re all right. I’ll keep fishing. As far as the 2 times thing goes, I’ve been in very serious LTR’s before (you oldheads can go ahead and look down on me now, I know, no relationship you have before 20 can be that serious, I still have a lot to learn, ok), but I just recently decided that I had to stop being meek and wallflower-y and waiting for someone to land in my lap (har har), and actually start asking girls out, which is what “normal” people do, right? So far I’m not good at it.

In short:

  1. I will grant that I am immature in my need for validation in the form of a committed relationship.

  2. I will grant that I am relatively inexperienced in these matters, and probably am not going about it in the most effective, fashionable, or flattering way.

  3. I will grant (as will Scylla) that I am a fucking nerd, and that once I’m nervous I can’t come up with a snappy line to save my life.

  4. I will not grant that I am hostile or disrespectful towards women. Diane, I appreciate that you acknowledge that my OP gives you no idea of my true behavior or feelings. It doesn’t. In my post I used the word “bitch” the way I would use the word “asshole” to describe a guy that I was mad at for a frivolous reason. Perhaps that was wrong of me, and if anyone feels that it was, I apologize again. I meant no offense.

30

hahaha, Scylla, you totally rule. I just want to say that you’re the man. Da bomb. Man. I should do that.

31

WL, listen to the advice in this thread. I wish someone had smacked me upside the head when I was your age (I’m 27 now), as I would have dated more (and probably better) people, and had a lot more fun. Things I have learned:

  1. You’ve got to ask out lots of people. Two is unbelievably pathetic. (No offense – I was just as pathetic.)

  2. You’ve got to ask them out with confidence. Don’t make up lame pretenses to talk to them. Make it clear that you’re talking to them because you’re interested in them. Don’t hang around their desks for half an hour. Walk up to their desks and ask them right out. Be honest – tell them you think they’re hot, and great to talk to, and you’d love a chance to date them. Women like compliments, especially if they’re genuine.

  3. There is no downside to asking someone out. Girls like to be asked out. Even if they aren’t interested or available, it’s an ego boost to have someone interested in you. There is a huge potential upside to asking someone out, which is fun dates and/or hot monkey sex.

  4. Fuck the boyfriends. (Not literally.) Most women at that age, especially attractive women, have no concept of their own relative worth. As such, they often date losers. There’s nothing wrong with telling them you want them to break up with their boyfriends and date you. My fiancee was in a relationship when we met, and just by speaking up, I ended up in this amazing relationship with her. It’s so, so worth it to take the risk.

Last of all, don’t let your life pass you by. Make it great. Go out and make things happen. I was way too passive when I was younger, and I regret it now. Even if you get rejected, you can feel good about being brave and taking chances.

Good luck!

32

Okay, just asking. :smiley:

WL, I am glad to hear that the “bitch” thing was just part of your rant and not how you come across IRL. Yeah, I did give you some criticism, but it was constructive criticism that I hope you consider instead of seeing as a slam against you.

There has been a lot of advice, but you mostly just need to relax and not get too uptight about it. FYI - A lot of us females like the nerdy type, so don’t change anything there.

About this:

This “oldhead” had been married for two years by the time she was 20 years old (that’s a pretty serious relationship, eh?), so no looking down on you by me.

Again, hang in there. It’ll happen for you.

Goboy - Thanks for the nice words! :slight_smile:

Damn! I am getting to gooshy for the Pit! Someone smack me, hurry!

33

When I was in grad school, I had an old Polish prof who would say things like “The first thousand problems you do of this type are challenging but then you get used to them and do well” :wink: (what a guy!)

So, using his wise words – “The first thousand women you ask out will be depressing but then you get used to it and do well!”

WL - No shit. A thousand may be a little much :wink: but maybe you need to just ask out 10 women this month. You will get shot down, probably on all of them but it will get you used to asking women out. Also, you won’t attach much damage to your ego since you know the odds are slim. However, by desensitizing yourself this way you will practice asking them out and probably develop a carefree attitude about it which will come off as confidence.

Of course, this could be a crappy idea and getting turned down will wear at the ego, but I don’t think so. I think practice makes you better.

When I was dating, if I didn’t know the woman well, I just asked her out direct. If I knew the woman, like she was a coworker or someone I would meet often I took a different tact. Whenever I was talking with her or within earshot and we were discussing weekend activities, I would bring up what I was going to do. Skydiving, fly a plane, whatever. The idea was to be seen as an person who fills his time doing interesting, different things. This would hopefully get her to be thinking that I would be a fun bf. It seemed to work, but it’s hard to tell for sure but it seemed to work.

Blink

34

I am making a guess here, and I may not be describing your problem at all. If I am totally wrong, feel fre to ignore me.

There is a certain type of woman out there that Make Men Feel Good About Themselves. They have a knack for it: they don’t do it on purpose, or to lead people on, or because they are heartless bitches. They are just nice people with a gift for making people (especially men) around them feel ten feet tall and bullet proof. Nerdy, insecure guys who are just now, for the first time, braving a step out into the world always fall for these women. They’ve never been treated like this before: their favorite song remmebered, thier birthday mysteriously discovered and rewarded with a card and cake, their talents ferreted out and complimented, thier absences commented on and their presence missed. Being treated like this is the perfect antidote to insecurity, to lonliness, to feeling like you don’t belong. And since normal people would never pay so much attention to someone they weren’t really interested in, what these guys miss when they fall for these girls is that these girls are like this with everyone. It’s just who they are. And yes, these type of girls always, always, have boyfriends. Of course they do. They are wonderful people.

I don’t know enough about the situation to conclude anything, but from my own experience with guys with stories like yours I suggest that you spend some time considering if the girls you have pursued fit into this pattern–girls who you have little or nothing in common with but whom you feel great being around. If they do, I suggest that you try and spend more time getting to know girls that are like you, girls you share interests and hobbies and worldviews with and not just girls that make you feel happy right from the start. Avoid the girls that any guy would want: go for the girls that any guy like you would want.

35

I agree MandyJo. I said almost the same thing in another thread and won’t repeat it here.

I disagree about the asking out someone you would be interested in rather than these naturally friendly women. The reason being that the OP was lamenting the fact that everyone has a bf. It’s hard to be discriminating and limit your search when there is no-one in your search area to begin with!

I say ask many out. You will get shot down many times but may (and should) have some successes. THEN you can determine if they are right for you. Do multiple routes. Ask out directly, try to get set up through family/friends, go to nightclubs, do hobbies/volunteer in order to meet people with similar interests. Heck even answer a personals ad just to experiment.

I think the main problem these days is that single people of both sexes exist, they just have a really hard time meeting each other and that comes from lack of exposure.

Blink

36

Where are you living that 99% of every girl over 23 has kids? My friends and I are all between 25 and 35 and there are a shitload of women out there who are single.

Here’s my advice if you are looking to meet women:

  1. You need to live in a major city like Chicago, NY or Boston.

  2. Get a haircut and some fly gear. Don’t dress like a pimp, but girls like guys who project success. Maybe go to the gym a little too. Looks do matter, but don’t focus on them. You want NOT LOOKING like a dork to be automatic. You only want to worry about not ACTING like a dork.

  3. Don’t be afraid to go to bars and nightclubs to pick up women. Most people there are just regular people with jobs out having a good time. It’s a good place to “practice” since it’s expected that you’re there to meet people.

  4. Don’t assume every girl who is nice to you is interested in dating you. Like Manda JO said, some girls are just nice people. The reason a lot of girls act aloof and bitchy is that when they act nice, guys start hounding them.

37

But see, that can’t be true, their are actually slightly more women than men out there. What he is lamenting is that all the women he would consider going out with have boyfriends, and I was suggesting that that MAY indicate a tendency to exclusivly pursue the type of women that everyone wants, not the type of woman that is just right for the type of guy he is.

38

While I wouldn’t advocate “girl stealing” or other vulture-like behavior; you’re never going to just have the woman of your dreams fall into your arms by magic. You will have to be a little ruthless; after all a girl might have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean she’s married and absolutely beyond reach. Maybe she is drifting in the doldrums of a lackluster relationship, merely waiting for a fresh gust of wind to fill her sails.
When I was 18, I was madly in love with a girl at school, but alas she had a boyfriend. I even heard that they were going to get married. Then one night, alone at home and miserable, I saw “The Graduate” for the first time. It just happened to be on cable that time, but after seeing it I said “by God if Dustin Hoffman can do it, so can I”. So I gave it my best shot for a year or two, and while in the end she ditched him, strang me along for a day or two, and ended up marrying someone else, well I did what I could and don’t regret anything. After all her mother was divorced.

39

(Blinking Duck, that’s just plain weird. Glad to hear it worked out for you in the end though. :))
White Lightning, there’s lots of ways to find out if the object of your burning desire is single or not.
Sample conversation;
You - “Hey, how was your weekend?”
Her - “Great. How was yours?”
You - “Not bad. We went to a club (whatever). What did you and your guy do?”
Her - “Nothing much. We just kinda hung around.” or
Her - “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
You - “Oh, I thought you did for some reason. Must be thinking of someone else.”
Walla, you got in in one.
or “What’s your boyfriend’s name again?”
“I don’t have one.”
“Oh, I thought you did for some reason. Must be thinking of someone else.”
or any other opportunity that comes along for you to assume she has a boyfriend and give her an opportunity to tell you she doesn’t. Or just ask her. If your interested anyway, what harm comes from her knowing it?

Oh yeah, I was going to say that internet dating can be very good for practice dating. Talk to people over the web, meet lots of them (safely), and learn from each meeting. I call it ‘concentrated dating’. Same principle as job interviews; the more you do, the better you get at it.

(BTW,jaimest, that’s a very odd story.)

40

**

I want to know the same thing as Msmith, where the hell do you live? I’m 24, so most of the girls I’m friends with are between 22 and 25. One of them has a kid. Most of them aren’t even dating anyone. Maybe you should move to the north east.