‘Looking’ glass wouldn’t have really fit in with the joke, now would it? 
It doesn’t very often over here either, but you can imagine the more classically-educated clergyman of a certain social class using the expression, much as he might say “napkin” or “motor-car”. 
Four guys were sitting around having drinks and one of the men left to use the restroom.
The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He’s so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas.”
The second guy said, “Damn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift!”
The third man said, “Well that’s awesome! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!”
The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what’s up? One of the guys said, “Were talking about the pride we feel for the success of our sons… what about your son?”
The fourth man replied, “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said, “That’s a shame… what a disappointment!”
The fourth man continued, "Nah, I am not ashamed, he’s my son and I love him… and he hasn’t done too badly either.
Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends."
I think this is what you get when you cross the words in your riddle with one another :).
Rather nerdy, but…
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a giraffe?
Elephant giraffe sine theta
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a tsetse fly?
Silly, you can’t cross a scalar and a vector
Reminds me of an old joke. Hitler, Stalin and Churchill are gathered, and want to impress each other with the courage of their soldiers. Stalin calls two PFCs and says:
- Soldier, I want you to shoot that man !
- Yes, comrade commissar ! BAM
- You see the obedience of the Russian soldier ?
- That’s nothing, says Hitler.
He calls one of his men and says: - Soldier, I order you to shoot yourself in the head. NOW !
- Jawohl, mein Führer ! BAM
- That’s how courageous Aryan men are.
- Is it now ? says Churchill. Let me show you something. (he too calls a soldier) Private ! On my command, you will shoot yourself in the head.
The trooper goes: - Sir, blow it our yer arse, SIR.
And Churchill, satisfied, says “Now that, gentlemen, is courage.”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth one orders an eighth of a beer…
The bartender pours two mugs of beer and sets them on the bar and says, “You guys are assholes!”
I got a sweater last Christmas… I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn’t have a rifle. “That’s no problem, son,” said the sergeant. “Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go ‘Bangety Bang Bang’.” “But what about a bayonet, Sarge?” asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. “Here, use this… just go, ‘Stabity Stab Stab’.”
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, “Bangety Bang Bang!” The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes “Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!” He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. “Bangety Bang Bang!” repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. “Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!” It’s no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, “Tankety Tank Tank.”
ugh. copy paste bad error sheesh…
Zeno walks halfway to the bar. His son walks half the distance remaining. His grandson walks…
The young civilian passenger was in Dr. McCoy’s office for the first time, with some odd symptoms. McCoy noticed his extreme apprehension and tried to calm him down.
“Lad, what you have is probably nothing to worry about, but even if it turns out to be a serious disease, I will certainly do everything possible for you.”
That didn’t seem to have any effect, so he tried again.
“Now look, it probably would be for the best if you just told me exactly what, besides your symptoms, is making you so nervous. You may as well be completely frank with me.”
“Well, all right… You Star Fleet medical officers are praised as the best anywhere. And yet, I’ve heard or a case where a patient was treated for Rigelian fever and then died from Sakuro’s Disease.”
:mad:
"Now, you listen to me, youngster! When I treat someone for Rigelian fever…
that’s what they die from!!!"
A mathematician and an engineer both arrive in Hell, and the Devil escorts them to a bar where a gorgeous blonde is seated on a bar stool. “You had better get acquainted,” says Old Scratch, “but I must tell you, every step you take towards her will halve the distance between her and you…” and he vanishes in a stink of brimstone.
Gleefully the engineer begins sprinting towards the woman. “What’s the use?” wails the mathematician. “You know how this works - you’ll never be able to reach her.” “True,” says the engineer, “but I can get close enough for all practical purposes!”.
Copyright Explained
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.
Right?
::blank look::
Dave’s not here, man…
Reminds be of an anecdote (which I am told actually happened, but I have my doubts).
When Stalin died, Khrushchev, now leader of the Soviet Union, gave his famous “Secret Speech” in which he denounced Stalin’s terrible crimes in scathing language to a crowded room of astonished communist officials. At the end of it, someone in the back of the room shouted “That’s all very well comerade, but why didn’t you say any of this when he was alive?”
In a voice filled with anger, and giving a terrible glare to the audience, Khrushchev thundered: “WHO SAID THAT?! Step forward NOW!”
The room was absolutely silent for five uncomfortable minutes - you could hear a pin drop, as Khrushchev angrily scanned the crowd - KGB agents waiting in the wings.
Then, relaxing into a normal tone, with a smile, he said “That’s why”.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
Why was the mathematician late for work?
He took the rhombus.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened up and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into uncontrolled laughter.
When confronted later, he said: “I apologize for my bad behavior. It’s just that until that moment, I hadn’t thought of my own demise and was thinking of my own funeral… I’m a gynecologist.”
The proctologist fainted.
Stay tuned for Inertial Navigation explained… or the art of finding where you are by knowing where you are not!
A man went on a wild and hedonistic vacation to Hong Kong. Drinking, gambling, and of course many, many prostitutes. A couple of weeks after he returns, he notices an unusual rash in his groin area, painful urination, smelly discharge… you know the drill. Concerned he goes to the doctor and explains his problem.
The doctor examines him, and ruefully shakes his head. “It’s Mongolian VD, worst case I’ve ever seen. We’re going to have to amputate.”
Now, the man is understandably freaked out at this, so decides to get a second and even a third opinion. Each time he hears “Mongolian VD, no cure, must amputate”. He is beside himself.
As a last resort, he decides to go see a Chinese doctor, figuring that since it is an oriental disease maybe the Chinese doctor has more experience with it. He goes in for his examination and anxiously awaits the diagnosis.
The Chinese doctor finishes his exam and ruefully shakes his head. “Mongolian VD, very bad, very bad!”. The man is crushed. He says “My American doctors tell me they have to amputate! Isn’t there anything you can do?”
At this point the Chinese doctor becomes very animated “Bah! American doctors! Always want operate! Always unnecessary surgery. No need amputate!”
The man is overjoyed. 'Oh, Doctor, that’s great news! Tell me, what do I have to do?"
The doctor smiles at the man and says “No need surgery. You wait two weeks, dick will fall off by itself.”
A guy pulls up to a red light. An old man on a scooter pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car is that? The guy says, “It’s a Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because, this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his scooter, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, I like all that leather but I’ll stick with my scooter it gets 100 mpg!” Just then the light changes and the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. He notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it is, and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him. “Now what in the hell could be going faster than this Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself. He gooses the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the scooter. Amazed that the scooter could pass his Ferrari, he stomps the accelerator and passes the scooter at 275 mph. He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he mashes the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the old man bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing more he can do.
Suddenly the scooter plows into the back of the Ferrari, the two of them turning 360 degrees two times before coming to a stop, demolishing the rear end, leaving the old man and the scooter a tangled bloody mess. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably; the old man is still alive!!
He runs up to the mangled man and says, “Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook…my suspenders…from your side-view mirror.
The trucker was driving along listening to Kenny Rogers on the radio. Suddenly his rig went over a cliff. What were his last words?
You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel.
(Yeah, I’ll admit this one’s been around awhile.)