Good jokes you've heard recently

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
922

Life Lessons

An Air Force Master Sergeant is trying to express the ideas of personal honor and responsibility to motivate his new recruits.

He says, “One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.”

"Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

"Pretty soon everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off. The Moral…

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of a hole you’re in is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest holes just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

  1. Free your heart from hatred.
  2. Free your mind from worries.
  3. Live simply.
  4. Give more.
  5. Expect less.

A Marine Gunnery Sergeant in attendance is asked for his opinion. “O.K., that’s enough of that bullshit” he says. “The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the shit out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the shit out of them too for helping.”

The REAL Moral to the Story…

When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you. Now fall out you idiots!

923

What did the citizens of Dallas tell Kennedy?

“Hit the road, Jack!”

How many Kennedys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Know one knows. Kennedys don’t last as long as ligh bulbs and are not as bright.

What did they say at South Park when they heard the news about JFK?
OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNEDY! YOU BASTARD!

[What? Too soon?]

924

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

925

They just opened a new WW2 themed pub near where I live. I asked my American friend along to the opening night… he turned up late.

926

He got bombed early on. He got better.

927

And when he did show up he kicked ass and took names.

928

He lent you money to start the night, didn’t he?

Don’t forget that Russian guy that rushed in at the opening, dropped all his stuff and looked like he left, and then came in like a wrecking ball to finish out the night.

929

“As a linguist, I like ambiguity more than most people.”

930

The seppo didn’t lend me a thing until I’d already sold my watch, although he did let me run up quite a generous tab later in exchange for car-parking rights on my allotment.

There was a nasty fight between the German guy and the Frenchman - it got worse when the Italian joined in just when the Frenchman was losing already. That was after the German and the Russian worked over the Pole, and then the Russian started on some funny little guy with a reindeer; he looked like losing early on but the little guy quit getting lucky after a bit. I was this close to giving him a hand, but even if I’d been willing to take on the Russki and the German at once, big Lars was in the way and studiously not taking sides.

Everyone expected the Spanish guy in the corner to help the German out too - after all, the Jerry helped him out with a “domestic dispute” the other day - but he sat on the fence all evening chatting to Paddy and that Swiss banker. Jose the Portugeezer offered to hold my coat, which was better than nothing but unfortunately not much.

It looked like the German and the Eytie were set to have things their own way what with the Russian just minding his own business, and to be honest I tried to help the little Greek but I was kinda winded just there and then and probably finished that scrap worse than I started, although I about bust a gut when the Italian nearly choked on a Malteser.

And then the German goes and starts something with the Russian, figuring he’d had enough trouble with the reindeer guy and would probably yell “uncle” soon enough.

Anyway, about the time my American friend turned up this little Japanese guy jumps up out of nowhere and lamps him with the barstool while he’s looking the other way - he caught me on the backswing too. Sneaky move, the Jap didn’t look like he had the stamina for a long fight - and you could have knocked me down with a feather when the German starts yelling at the American about how he’s gonna take him down too.

Well, I helped to jolly both the big guys on although I couldn’t do much except lob the odd bottle at the German, and give the American a shoulder to lean on while he was weighing up the finer points of a bar-room brawl, and spend a few of his dollars on some vodka for the Russian (got my fingers trodden on getting to him too!) but once those two big bruisers got going it was clearly only ending one way, and the Wop chucked in the towel about round four.

What shocked us all was, when the German was down and out and the Japanese backed into the corner and reaching for a broken glass, my mate pulled out a .45 and let him have it, double-tap. That made the Russian look at him funny, and the word on the street now is that Ivan’s got a Saturday Night Special of his own, and the rest of us are hoping to stay out of the crossfire…

931

::applause::

932

I took Basic Training at Fort Dix. Vietnam was still going strong. Drill Instructors like Arly Ermie were commonplace for Army and Marines alike. It is the beginning of our first day, at 03:30 this fireplug of a DI comes into the barracks blowing a police whistle and banging on a trash can lid as loud as he can. It’s quiet as can be as we stand next to our bunks and Sergeant Lewis begins his introductory speech. He began pacing back and forth as he spoke and in a low voice he says,:

I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still

When suddenly a tiny bird Perched on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely, So carefree this day,

That slowly all my troubles Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places Of laughter and fun,

It seemed his very trilling, brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers Crept slowly out of bed,

Then severely shut the window… And crushed his fucking head.

Then he yells, “Just so y’all know… I am not a morning person!” And, then he yells, “All right! All you idiots fall out.” As the rest of the platoon races to get outside for morning formation, one recruit remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him and that “Smoky-the-bear” hat brim poking him in the forehead, and he raised a single eyebrow. The recruit smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of 'em, eh sir?”

933

And the Czech said, “Quit complaining about the American. Where were you when I opened my bar last week and the German came in and trashed the place?”

934

Everything I know about World War II I learned from this joke.:slight_smile:

935

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss knows I’m lying. One recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too damned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a wopper to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitten. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

“Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come fix it.”

“You know where the reset button Is,” I protested through the shower. “Reset it yourself!”

“But I’m scared!” she persisted. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?”

I laughed. There was a meaningful pause and then said, “C’mon, it’ll only take you a second.”

Anyway, out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last thing I remember…

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn’t the hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws

I lost all rational thought to control of orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculinity.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option (I know this from experience). I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now, there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor, buck naked, in front of a group of “been-there, done-that” paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter… and btw not succeeding.

Somehow, I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.

“What’s the matter?” They all asked, “The cat got your tongue?”

Well… Not exactly!

(I hate cats!!)

936

Oldie, but…

Why did Elizabeth Arden?

Because Max Factor.

937

Looks like my attractive next-door neighbour doesn’t watch porn. She rang and asked if I could come round and fix her leaking sink. Two hours later, and I’m still fixing the sink.

938

Next she will order a pizza. Then eat the pizza.

939

During WWII a GI comes into a British pub.

The GI knocks back a couple of drinks, and starts talking.

“What a great place Britain is! Cheap beer, cheap food, no tipping - great place!”

There are two brothers standing a couple of feet away. One is very deaf. He asks his brother “What is that GI saying?”

The Brit says, “HE SAYS HE LIKES IT HERE IN BRITAIN!”

The GI goes on, “And the women here! Even better than the beer. Hand them a pair of nylon stockings, and they’re yours for the asking! Easiest damn lays I ever saw!”

The deaf guy asks his brother “What’s he saying now?”

The brother says “HE SAYS HE LIKES THE PEOPLE HERE IN BRITAIN!”

The GI goes on, “Just the other night, I ran into a broad. She must have sixty, but what a party girl! She chug-a-lugged a fifth of gin, danced naked on the tables, and then dragged me off to her room where she kept me busy for two hours. And when I left, she was stilling yelling for more!”

The deaf guy asks, “What’s he saying now?”

His brother says, “HE SAYS HE’S MET MOTHER!”

Regards,
Shodan

940

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

(Aw, come on! It’s quite simple…)

'Ell if I know!

941

Busload of politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians are.”

Did I tell you I hate cats? I suffered a serious injury from one of those fuzzy faced, flea bitten, little fur balls (see post from 26NOV2013 above). This Thanksgiving past, I had eleven people for dinner. It was my job to cook the turkey and make the giblet gravy. So, I had the kitchen all to myself while the company enjoyed hors d’oeurves and cocktails. Anyway, this little spawn of satan goes to the bathroom in the house! In the kitchen!! So I put Pop Rocks in the Kitty Litter (and you can try this at home). Here kitty-kitty!!!