Did you know that according to the song, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”, Santa has twelve reindeer? Sure, in the introduction it goes “There’s Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen…” That makes eight reindeer. Then there’s Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine. Then there’s Olive. You know, “Olive the other reindeer used to laugh…” That makes ten. The eleventh is Howe. You know, “Then Howe the reindeer loved him…” Eleven reindeer. Oh, and number 12? That’s Andy! “Andy shouted out with glee.” The proof is in the song!
Non-slamming mountaineer joke:
Caleb was standing all alone in front of his house, doing nothing but looking down at the ground. Ike walked by and asked what was troubling him.
“Oh, you know how ah feel about Belle,” he started. “Ah finally got up the nerve to propose to her.”
“Uh, okay… Ah guess ah can tell how that went from your face. Sorry, pal.”
Caleb nodded to the sympathy but was silent. Ike thought for a moment and brightened when he had something to cheer his friend up.
“Oh, look here. You remember how it went when my brother first proposed to his wife. A flat ‘No!’ was her answer. But that worked out in the long run, and they’re happy together. An’ for that matter didn’t pretty much the same thing happen with yer cousin Zeke?”
“Yep, Ah see what yer saying. Another flat ‘No!’ at first but the date is set fo’ two weeks from Saturday,” he admitted. But it was said with zero encouragement.
“So y’see, ol’ friend, a woman’s ‘No’ can turn into a ‘Yes’ sometimes.”
Caleb looked up, still mournful. “But she didn’t say no to me. She said…”
AW, PHOOEY!
A little boy came home from Sunday school. His mother asked him what they had done.
He replied, “We learned a song about a bear.”
“Really?” The mother looked confused.
“It was a bear named Gladly. And his eyes were crossed.”
“What was the name of the song?” asked the mother, now even more puzzled.
“‘Gladly the Cross-Eyed Bear.’”
Why did Jeffrey Dahmer invite Jackie Chan over?
He was in the mood for a little Chinese. 
Cops
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”
Did I tell you I hate cats? Well apparently I’m not the only one…
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny’s hand shoots up. “That’s not correct, Miss McGilacutty!” he says.
“Please explain, Johnny,” replies the teacher.
“Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the front porch. The neighbors’ Great Dane came running around the corner, and my cat went “ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!”, and before he could say “FUCK OFF!”, the big dog ate him!”
A woman sits beside her husband as he wakes up from surgery. His eyes slowly open, sees his wife’s face, and he mutters “You’re beautiful” and falls back asleep. She beams as she holds his hand as he sleeps. Hours later, he wakes up again, looks up at her face, and says “You’re cute”.
“What happened to ‘You’re Beautiful’?” she asks.
“The drugs are starting to wear off”
A young child says to his mother, “Mom, when I grow up I’d like to be a musician.” She replies, “Well honey, you know you can’t do both.”
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: “The Defendant”
Q: What’s the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
Also, enough with the cat-hating jokes, parkega3. PLEASE. It’s getting old.
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend playing golf with the boys. Before long he had spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his furious wife and was bombarded for his actions by an angry tirade that lasted for over two hours.
Finally, his wife stopped nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which the husband replied: “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Wednesday came and went with the same results. Finally, on Thursday the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little bit out of the corner of one eye.
So many cats… so few recipes!
Why did the Jedi kill his master?
To get to the other side.
“Mommy, Mommy, I don’t want to see Grandma!”
“Shut up and keep digging.”
Don’t read them. Lots of jokes in this thread are tasteless. I keep coming back for the funny.
Fair 'nuff.
(Disclaimer: I love cats. Have two feline overlords myself. But after all the complaints about cat-hate jokes, I remembered this one.).
Q: How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
A: Douse it with gasoline, and toss a match.
(WOOF)
You didn’t need to remember it, you just needed to read the pit thread complaining about this one.
perfect breasts
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars? “Are you nuts?”, she replies, and keeps walking.
He turns and runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Hey, would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?” he asks again. “Listen sir, I’m not that kind of woman. Got it?”
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again:“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?” She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? “Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that alley over there”
So they go into the alley and she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them… but not biting. The woman gets annoyed and asks, “Are you gonna bite them or what?”
“Nah”, he replies. “That costs too much.”
Catapult…Now there’s an idea!
May be my new favorite joke!
Q: And how do you make a dog sound like a cat?
A: Freeze it and put it through a buzz-saw.
(MEEEEEEEAAAAOOOOOWWWW)
Knock Knock
- Who’s there?
9/11
- 9/11 who?
You said you’d never forget!
How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, of course. But I have no idea how they got in there.