Good jokes you've heard recently

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1242

Gerda and Moishe are approaching their 40th wedding anniversary, so Gerda gives Moishe a ‘gift voucher’ to a high-end brothel.

Moishe is shocked, “Gerda dear, what does this mean?”

“Well Moishe” says Gerda, “Our lovemaking has become so boring that I want you to take this, with my blessing, and go with one of those goils to learn a little something to put a sparkle back into our schtupping” Moishe is dismayed, but Gerda is nothing if not persistent, so he eventually goes.

The next morning, he staggers through the door, exhausted, and, waving away Gerda’s questions, stumbles off to bed. By dinner-time he’s recovered enough so Gerda asks, “So? How was it?”

“Ahhh, it was nothink” he says.

“Nothing! I spend all that money and you say it was nothing? Surely you learnt something?”

“I didn’t Gerda” says Moishe, “I tried everything but everything I tried, we do already”.

“But surely”, says Gerda, “Surely there was one thing”.

“Well” says Moishe, “maybe there was one little thing”. “And…?” asks Gerda.

“Well,” says Moishe, a bit embarrassed, “she moaned”.

Gerda was a bit taken aback for a moment, “She moaned?” Moishe nodded guiltily. “And you like this moaning?” she asked, and Moishe shrugs and nods again. “Whooo…and for this I pay all that money? But who am I to argue, if moaning is what you like…”.

That night, Gerda and Moishe climb into bed, and Gerda says, “You want I should start moaning now?”

Moishe replies, “Not now Gerda, not now”. They get stuck into some serious foreplay and Gerda asks, “Do you want me to moan now?” “Not yet Gerda, not yet” says Moishe.

Then Moishe gets a’thrusting and things are building to a big crescendo whilst Gerda waits for the cue…as Moishe reaches his climax, he yells, “NOW, Gerda, MOAN NOW!!!”

Gerda shrugs…“So, you’re not going to believe it, but I went to the deli this morning and they’d run out of gefilte fish, and my corns, ayy-ayyy, there were hurting and oi vey! Mrs Braunstein wouldn’t stop talking about her son, the doctor…”

1243

Announcer: "Stay tuned for I Love Loosely."

1244

Where does that come from?

1245

One of Kermit Schafer’s Blooper collections.

1246

I had all of Kermit’s books and some of his records as well.

Turns out that most of the recordings were recreations, and we’ll never know for sure how many of his bloopers actually ever happened in real life.

Still, they were fun.

One I recall from the records was the beginning of the broadcast of a high school basketball game. It went something like this (imagine a folksy, southern accent):

1247

Am I on the wrong page? This is GOOD jokes I heard RECENTLY, right?..

Chatty Parrot

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.

The owner of the pet store suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.

The owner said it shouldn’t be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, “It’s fuckin’ cold in here!”

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.

The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, “It’s fuckin’ cold in here!!”

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.

Since she didn’t want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:

If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." “That’ll work?” asked the woman. “Guaranteed!” exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, “It’s fuckin’ cold in here!!” Without hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, “And fuckin’ windy, too!”

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A. Erotic is using a feather…kinky is using the whole chicken.

1248

Guy buys a parrot, brings it home, finds it curses non-stop. No matter what he tries, asking the parrot nicely, putting a cover over his cage, whatever, nothing works, the parrot keeps cussing, and the guy keeps getting more pissed. Finally the parrot does it some more, guy says “OK, that’s enough, I’m trying something different”, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. An hour later he’s starting to feel guilty, opens the freezer and lets the parrot out. Parrot says “OK, that got through to me, I’ll be good now, I’ll never cuss again. But just tell me one thing: What did the chicken do?”

1249

I heard that too, except that I would swear that the voice was Chick Hearn’s.

1250

A drunk walks into a bar. The only other customer is a slovenly bag lady sitting at the other end.

“Gimme a drink,” he bellows to the barkeep. “And pour one for that douche bag over there!”

“Sir,” says the bartender, “there’s no need to be insulting to a poor old woman who’s down on her luck.”

“I don’t care,” shouts the drunk. “I said, gimme a drink…and pour one for that douche bag over there.”

Again the bartender tries to reason with the drunk, but to no avail.

So reluctantly he approaches the old woman and says “That gentleman over there would like to buy you a drink.”

“OK,” she replies. “I’ll have a vinegar and water.”

1251

Chris Christie could not have clogged a bridge. He was too busy clogging his arteries.

1252

Going back over this lengthy thread to catch the jokes I’ve missed, I came upon this.

In my youth I stayed with my grandparents frequently. My grandfather was the managing editor of a small newspaper a couple of towns over from mine. I used to love visiting him at work.

When I was maybe seven years old or so, I heard a variation of this very joke. (In my version, it was two “morons” trapped behind a high fence, one of whom saw climbing up the flashlight beam as a way out.) During one of my visits, I happened to tell the joke in the presence of the paper’s gossip column editor.

She promptly put it in her column! The clipping can still be found — 55 years later — in my mom’s scrapbook.

1253

Did you laugh? Because I didn’t get it, until I rewrote the joke like this:

A woman is driving down a road and listening to the radio. The broadcaster says “Be careful driving on the road, there’s a lunatic going the wrong way.” So she calls her husband and says, “I was listening to the news and they said to be careful driving because there’s a lunatic driving the wrong way.” Her husband says “What do you mean? The road’s full of them!”

1254

Wow, this reminded me of a story I haven’t told for years! I learned it from a professor way back in college, and got pretty good at telling it myself.

It works best in person, but imagine that this is a story told by a young boy with a pronounced lithsp…

I have moth, his name is Max. Max and I were out playing one day when a man came up. He said “You should take Max to the county moth races, at the county fair!”

“No, no, no sir,” I said, “You see, Max is not a racing moth, Max is a PET moth!”

He said “Well why don’t you ask Max?” So I asked Max, “Max,” I asked, “Would you like to go to the county moth races at the county fair?”

“Sure, sure, sure.” said Max, and so we went.

I put Max in his box, and put the box on the line, because that’s how you start a moth race.

“BANG!” went the gun. “Go go go! Max Max MAX! GO GO GO!”

Max won. Max and I were SO happy. We were celebrating when the man came up. He said “You should take Max to the state moth races, at the state fair!”

“No, no, no sir,” I said, “You see, Max is not a racing moth, Max is a PET moth!”

He said “Well why don’t you ask Max?” So I asked Max, “Max,” I asked, “Would you like to go to the state moth races at the state fair?”

“Sure, sure, sure.” said Max, and so we went.

I put Max in his box, and put the box on the line, because that’s how you start a moth race.

“BANG!” went the gun. “Go go go! Max Max MAX! GO GO GO!”

Max won. Max and I were SO happy. We were celebrating when the man came up. He said “You should take Max to the NATIONAL moth races, at the NATIONAL fair!”

“No, no, no sir,” I said, “You see, Max is not a racing moth, Max** is** a PET moth!”

He said “Well why don’t you ask Max?” So I asked Max, “Max,” I asked, “Would you like to go to the national moth races at the national fair?”

“Sure, sure, sure.” said Max, and so we went.

I put Max in his box, and put the box on the line, because that’s how you start a moth race.

“BANG!” went the gun. “Go go go! Max Max MAX! GO GO GO!”

Max won. Max and I were SO happy. We were celebrating when the man came up. He said “You should take Max to the WORLD moth races, at the WORLD fair!”

“No, no, no sir,” I said, “You see, Max is not a racing moth, Max is a PET moth!”

He said “Well why don’t you ask Max?” So I asked Max, “Max,” I asked, “Would you like to go to the world moth races at the world fair?”

“Sure, sure, sure.” said Max, and so we went.

I put Max in his box, and put the box on the line, because that’s how you start a moth race.

“BANG!” went the gun. “Go go go! Max Max MAX! GO GO GO!”

Max won. Max and I were SO happy. We were celebrating when the man came up. He said “You should take Max to the galactic moth races, at the galactic fair!”

“No, no, no sir,” I said, “You see, Max is not a racing moth, Max is a PET moth!”

He said “Well why don’t you ask Max?” So I asked Max, “Max,” I asked, “Would you like to go to the galactic moth races at the galactic fair?”

“Sure, sure, sure.” said Max, and so we went.

I put Max in his box, and put the box on the line, because that’s how you start a moth race.

“BANG!” went the gun. “Go go go! Max Max MAX! GO GO GO!”

Max won. Max and I were SO happy. We were celebrating when the man came up. He said “You should take Max to the universal moth races, at the universal fair!”

“No, no, NO sir,” I said, “You see, Max is not a RACING moth, Max is a PET moth!”

He said “Well why don’t you ask Max?” So I asked Max, “Max,” I asked, “Would you like to go to the universal moth races at the universal fair?”

“Sure, sure, sure.” said Max, and so we went.

I put Max in his box, and put the box on the line, because that’s how you start a moth race.

“BANG!” went the gun. "Go go…go? Max? Max, Max. Go. Go…go.

Max lost.
Max and I were so sad.

Have you ever seen a moth bawl?

1255

:eek: That would be very funny indeed somewhere other than where I live, at least at this point in time.

1256

What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a bucket of glue?

[SPOILER]You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.

[SPOILER]But what about the bucket of glue?

I knew you’d get stuck on that.[/SPOILER][/SPOILER]

1257

If I hadn’t just learned about the forensic usefulness of the hyoid bone, I’d strangle you right now, Sicks Ate. :wink:

1258

“One Comma Too Many”

A big, fat panda wanders into a restaurant. As it’s between lunch and dinner, he has the place almost to himself. Plops his butt over two chairs. Waiter approaches, “What can I do for you, today?” “I’ll have one of everything on your menu; I’m VERY hungry.” “YES, SIR,” anticipating hefty tip. 92 minutes later, the panda is finishing up his HUGE dinner(s), the table is a wreck (you know what sloppy eaters pandas are), and the waiter brings the bill and takes the first armful of plates to the back. The panda looks around, the place is empty, he starts for the door. The waiter comes out of the back–HEY! Where do you think you’re going? The panda pulls out a small caliber revolver and fires, just winging the waiter (flesh wound, really). The waiter shouts, “Why did you do that?” “I’m a panda, go look it up,” and he bolts. Later that night, after the waiter has himself patched up and has gone home, he wonders what the panda meant by his last comment. He takes down the dictionary, opens to “P” and reads: Pan–pancake–pancreas–Ah, panda: A large black-and-white mammal of Tibet that suggests a bear but is related to the raccoons. Eats, shoots and leaves.

1259

This is from my joke thread on TV Tropes:

Joseph Stalin is in front of rows of communist apparatchiks, giving a speech. Someone sneezes loudly while he talks.

Stalin yells, ‘Who sneezed? Identity yourself’! As nobody talks, Stalin orders the guards to shoot everybody in the sixth row, and resumes his speech.

Once again, someone sneezes. Stalin asks for a denunciation. The crowd still stays silent. He orders the guards to shoot everybody in the fifth row.

The cycle goes on until only the first row is left alive. Someone sneezes, and decides to denounce himself when Stalin prompts the crowd to do so.

Stalin then looks at him and says ‘Bless you, comrade.’

There’s also a version where it’s the army that’s the audience.

1260

A man had a friend over at his house and they got into a heated debate about gun carry. The man’s friend said “people who carry guns are compensating for having tiny dicks”. Later the friend left; and a minute or two later the man heard his friend screaming for help. He looked out his door and saw his friend being mugged on the street. So he yelled out “Just show them your dick!”

1261

At Sochi a short while ago, two members of the Irish ski team went up for a practice run down the giant slalom. They got out of the cable car, snapped on their skis, and were all ready to go when one of them said to the other, “Here, Paddy, on this course do we zig and then zag, or do we zag and then zig?”. And Paddy said, “What?” so his team-mate repeated the question, and Paddy said “Well, I don’t know, I’ve never skied this course before.”

So they stood there waiting for a while, until the next cable car arrived and one of the Swiss contestants stepped out onto the platform, and Paddy went over and said “Excuse me, sir, could you tell my friend and me whether we should zig and then zag, or zag and then zig?”. And he had to repeat the question a couple of times before the friendly Swiss understood, and he then replied, “I’m sorry, I don’t know either. I’m not a skier, I’m a tobogganist”.

And Paddy stood there disappointed for a moment and then shrugged philosophically. “In that case, could I get twenty cigarettes please?”.