Malacandra:
Excellent! 
What’s Irish and sits around your swimming pool? Pati O’Furniture (I’m Irish, so it’s OK)
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.” “Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us also.” The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!” “Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”
Blind Date
John took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Kim?” asked the man. “I want to get weighed,” said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed,” she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Louise, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?” Kim responded, “Oh, Wooweez, it was wewy wousy.”
Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard?
Neither did she!
Flight attendants’ joke:
What’s the difference between jet engines and first-class passengers?
When the plane reaches the gate, the jet engines stop whining.
Take The Bait
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole not too far from the old man and dropped his line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more since he hadn’t caught a thing all day.
He went to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How’d you do it?”
The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”
“What was that?” the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”
“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying.”
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”
Reading the paper today, the government announced it is changing the national emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance…
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, plus it gives you a sense of security while you’re actually getting screwed.
Damn, the papers just don’t get more accurate than that!!
So I’ll pass along my very favorite Lent joke:
A couple is having trouble deciding what to give up for Lent, and they finally agree to make it serious and give up sex. To make sure they don’t slip on the vow, the husband moves into the guest bedroom for the duration.
Easter morning, the sun peeps over the horizon and the wife is awakened by a loud and insistent knock on the bedroom door. “I know why you’re knocking…” she coos.
“Yeah?” says the husband, “Wait til you see what I’m knocking with!”
Do you kow what Pope Benedict gave up for Lent? The papacy.
There are some pretty tasteless jokes here, but I’m glad there’s no Holocaust jokes. Sorry, I’m a bit sensitive about it: my uncle died at Auschwitz.
He fell out of a guard tower.
What’s the difference between a cactus and a junior high school?
The cactus has hundreds of little pricks on the OUTside.
I like Tom Lehrer’s take on it:
“The girl I gave up Lent for…”
Really? What an amazing coincidence, my grandfather died at Auschwitz, too!
He was changing shifts, and another guard fell out of a tower and landed on top of him.
Well, I have a friend who died yesterday, drinking milk.
The cow sat on his face.
Less tasteless variation, from the comedy short “The Laurel and Hardy Murder Case”:
Stan: I had an uncle who died.
Ollie: How did it happen?
Stan: He fell through a trap door.
Ollie: Was he building a house?
Stan: No…they were hanging him.
Shooting the Bull
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic looking female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot him.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?” The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
Why can’t Helen Keller drive a car?
She’s dead!
I heard something similar with a BMW and a porcupine.
Mother Nature
There were two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.
They decided that since the shots were so bad, they’d just meet up at the hole.
So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a beautiful field of Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn’t come out.
Well, Mother Nature got mad.
She came up from the ground and said to the man, “I’ve created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all. Now they are all ruined. I’m going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year.”
The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at his ball in the Buttercups.
Mother Nature said, “Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you think is so funny?”
The man looked up and said, “My buddy is over on the other side hacking away at your Pussywillows.”
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring!
How can you tell a Hoover from a Harley?
The position of the dirtbag.
I found a similar joke in a Spanish magazine, and translated it. Set in a grade-school classroom.
Kid: Teacher, I won’t be in school three weeks from today–my brother is going to be buried.
Teacher: Why are they waiting so long to bury him?
K: Well, he isn’t dead yet.
T: Well, how does he know he’ll be dead in three weeks?
K: They told him just yesterday.
T: I’d sure like to talk to this doctor who can diagnose something like that, three weeks ahead!
K: It wasn’t a doctor who told him. It was a judge.
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on
‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’
and towards the end of the program
had already won 500,000 pounds.
“You’ve done very well so far,”
said Chris Tarrant,
the show’s presenter,
“but for a million pounds
you’ve only got one life-line left –
phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question…
will you go for it?”
“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick,
''so I’ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy
back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
“Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple…
It’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m fookin sure.”
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
“I’ll go wit Cuckoo as my answer.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
“Dat it is, Sir”
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed,
“Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!”
The next night,
Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
“Tell me, Paddy?
How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”
“Because he lives in a Fookin clock!”
An atheist was walking through the woods. ‘What majestic trees!’‘What powerful rivers!’‘What beautiful animals!’ He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: ‘Oh my God!’ Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. ‘You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.’ ‘Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?’ ‘Am I to count you as a believer?’ The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: ‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?’ ‘Very well’, said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
‘Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.’