Good jokes you've heard recently

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1282

In ancient Japan, the emperor is holding court. After the meal, three samurai swordsmen are brought before him to display their skills.

The first steps forward. A housefly is released, and with one swift flick of his sword, the samurai slices him neatly in two.

The second swordsman is next. Another fly is released, the swordsman slashes the air twice, and the unfortunate insect is divided into quarters, which flutter to the ground.

Now it’s the third swordsman’s turn. A fly is released, the swordsman flicks once…and the fly continues to buzz merrily along.

An astonished gasp arises from the assembled multitude: “You have failed before the mighty emperor…the creature still flies.”

“He still flies,” replies the swordsman. “But he will not reproduce.”

1283

A Maori is brown (roughly the same colour as Chocolate)

A Red mini - is well, a small red car.

A Jaffa is a round sweet with a red candy covering and chocolate in the middle.

A JAFA on the other hand is “Just another Fucking Aucklander”.
Generally speaking, the rest of New Zealand pretty much hates Aucklanders due to their arrogance - according to a JAFA, the country stops at the Bombay hills ( a range of hills just to the South of Auckland)

1284

Hunting and Talking

Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.

The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.

The third guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.

He said, “Well, I’ll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me. I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the position.”

“Yeah? What happened next?” asks his friend.

“I got a little too close to the ground and – WHAM – a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.”

One of the other guys said, “God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?”

He calmly replied, “Oh, that would be when I got up and ran and I reached the end of the chain…”

Shhh…

While my son was on the carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to his battle buddy, “That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd!”

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:

“Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawenes.”

1285

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads…”

1286

What’s the most dangerous part of a typical American car?

The nut that holds the wheel! :eek:

1287

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! :smiley:

1288

The Screw…

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.

“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” He says.

“That’s cool.” Says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s night and his new plans for the evening were beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

Triumph of the human spirit

My sons best friend just came back from Afghanistan all shot up and in the Stateside hospital recouperating. We went to visit him the day after he got back. While we were sitting there, I realized there were a lot of wounded soldiers, airmen and marines. But, none of them seemed to be in bad spirits. About that time, the doctor came in for his rounds. One of the marines near the door in the first bed shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I amputated your arms.”

Marine replied, “Oh yeah!”

1289

That’s kinda like my grandfather! He died at Auschwitz too!

He broke his neck tripping on two guys who were sleeping underneath a guard tower

1290

“Do you know how to save a bigot from drowning?”
“No.”
“Good!”

1291

It shames me to say that I heard a much more racist version of this joke while growing up.

1292

Let’s hear it!

1293

How hard is it to figure out?

“How do you save a (pick an ethnic/religious/social group member) from drowning?”
“I don’t know.”
“Good.”

1294

How do you get a one-armed Ethnic out of a tree?

Wave to him.

1295

Whoosh!

1296

Instead of “ethnic” I use “lawyer”, because so far nobody fucking objects to a lawyer joke.

See?

1297

You know what Davy Crockett’s last words were?

What the fuck are all those roofers doing out there??

1298

Should of used “lawyers”. That shit would have been awesome.

1299

Not long ago, the ggggg grandson of George Armstrong Custer commissioned a painting of Custer’s last thoughts at the Battle of the Little Big Horn. After many long months, the painting was finally completed and the painter decided that this painting deserved a grand unveiling. A gallery was booked, the press notified, and the family and friends of the grandson were in attendance.

The moment was finally at hand. The house lights were dimmed, the curtain was drawn back, four spot lights were directed at the covered painting. And then the paintings cover was removed. You could hear a pin drop. The audience was stunned. The grandson jumped to his feet sputtering, “What the hell is THAT!?!” “I paid good money for a painting depicting my great grandfathers last thoughts and you give me A COW? A COW WITH A HALO SURROUNDED BY HUNDREDS OF INDIANS SCREWING IN AN OPEN FIELD?” “But sir”, stammered the artist, “What would Custer’s last thoughts have been other than - Holy Cow, look at all the fucking Indians?”

1300

Just so this joke will go over better with anal rock ‘n’ roll fanatics like me, you should amend the date in the lead-in to at least 1960.

Hank Ballard’s original version of “The Twist” was an R&B hit in 1959, but the song/dance didn’t penetrate national consciousness until Chubby Checker lip-synched his cover version (and demonstrated the dance step) on The Dick Clark Show in August of 1960.

1301

How do you get another type of Ethnic out of a tree?

Cut the rope.