Since there was a Custer joke…
Who killed more Indians than Custer?
Union Carbide.
The National Poetry Contest had been going on for a couple of days but finally the contest came down to just two; a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given one word and allowed two minutes to study it and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were then given was “Timbuktu.”
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination: Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three bitches in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The crowd went wild: The redneck got the trophy!
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh wow… am I eating one of the school washouts?
To DChord568…
I think I can speak for most of us when I say;
I don’t care. And, Where’s your joke??
Fair enough. It was just a friendly suggestion. Feel free to continue to be wrong.
I’ve contributed nine to this thread — and speaking only for myself (i’m not as presumptuous as you), I would say at least some of them are better than yours.
But I don’t care enough to point you to them. You’re on your own.
Don’t harsh my buzz man
Music of the Trees
While walking through the park, a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. Seeing this is a little strange, he inquires, “Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?”
“I’m listening to the music of the tree."
You gotta be kiddin’ me."
“No, would you like to give it a try?”
“Well, OK…” So, he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it and begins to listen intently. At that moment, the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves him with his arms locked around the tree.
Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark-ass naked, and asks, “What the hell happened to you?”
He tells the guy the whole story about how he got in this predicament. While he was telling all the details, the guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him tenderly behind the ear and says. “This just ain’t your day, is it?”
Question…
Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink, opens his wallet to pay when the barman shakes his head and says, “For you, no charge!”
An electron walks into a bar and order a drink for the proton. He found her very attractive.
A proton walks into a bar. The barman says, "We only sell to protons, are you certain you’re are a proton? The proton says: “Yes, I’m positive!”
A plutonium atom walked into a bar. The barman thought he was very unstable.
An electron walks into a bar. Another electron walks in to the bar to check out the first electron. That’s repulsive!
A proton walks into a bar and orders a double whiskey to drown his sorrows. The barman asks, “What’s wrong?” The proton says, “Two good friends were in a collision yesterday.”
A Tritium molecule walks into a bar and orders Diet Coke. The barman says, “Trying to lose weight, are we?” Tritium replies, “Yes, after Thanksgiving dinner, I’m a few isotopes too heavy.”
An electron walks into a bar. As he was served a martini, he waved to the photon and collapsed.
An atom walks into a bar. Barman: "What’ll you have?” Atom: “A gin-atomic, please.”
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One of them says, “We feel very divided.” The barman says, “Helium, is that you?”
The Ultimate Ethnic Joke…
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,
… Walk into a fine restaurant.
“I’m sorry,” says the maître d’, after scrutinizing the group.
"You can’t come in here without a Thai.
(Surprised ya, didn’t I ;)). )
You had me at “a Latvian”
I ued to hear that about an Irish immigrant who drank 2 beers because HE’D given up drinking for Lent.
Lightweight. I made it all the way to the “a Syrian” portion before I realized it was way too racist for my taste.
-How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
-It’s a very obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.
I also have a Nordic joke, which will probably make no sense to non-Nordics. But anyway, here it goes:
The four Nordic countries organise a trip around the world on a boat. Each country selects two men to go on the journey, and so the boat carries two Danes, two Finns, two Norwegians and two Swedes.
Unfortunately, the boat sinks somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, and the eight men have to swim to a desert island. They remain on the island for three years, until a merchant vessel randomly spots them and sends people to rescue the castaways.
When the rescuers reach the island, they find that the Nordics have been living life on the deserted island according to their national particularities. Thus, the Finns have chopped down all the trees on the island and used them to build ships. The Norwegians have used those ships to go fishing, and the Danes have set up a co-operative system to make sure that everyone gets an equal amount of fish. The Swedes are still waiting for instructions.
Two hunters are camped near Fairbanks, Alaska. One returns from town with supplies.
He tells his friend that he “saw a sign reading ‘Eskimo Spitz Dogs–$10.00 apiece.’”
“So?”
“I have ten dollars that says the Eskimo can’t do it.”
There’s a (probably apocryphal) story about Khrushchev, who took power after Stalin died and immediately kicked off a campaign of de-Stalinization giving very deprecating speeches about him, his intransigence, his abuses of power, the arbitrary arrests and so on.
During one such speech a heckler in the audience chucklingly asked “And why did you not say all these things while you were his second in command, comrade ?”. Khrushchev becomes red with fury and screams “WHO SAID THAT ?! DAMN YOU ALL, WHO SAID THAT ?! STAND UP IMMEDIATELY AND IDENTIFY YOURSELF !”. A few moments pass with the new Premier glaring murderously at the crowd, the whole room is deathly silent, then suddenly he relaxes into a smile and says “And that is why I didn’t speak up then”.
Winking Saler
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry…we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”
“Really? Great! Show me!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”
“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”
“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”
“Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?
If Ikea is Sweedish, I get it. And thought it was funny.
3 vampires walk into a blood and plasma bar at midnight. The bartender greets them and says ‘what’ll you have?’
The first vampire says, ‘it’s bloody hot out, give me a blood’.
The second vampire says, ‘I’ll have the same’.
The third vampire says, ‘I’m not that thirsty. Make mine a plasma’.
‘OK,’ the bartender says, ‘that’ll be two bloods and a blood-lite’.
The people of Cremea had an election.
They had to choose if they wanted to join Russia or Atlantis.
(Well, it’s defiantly new, and I think it’s good…)
Putin: Knock-knock.
Obama: Who’s there?
Putin: Crimea.
Obama: Crimea who?
Putin: Crimea river.
Obama: Knock knock
Putin: Who’s there?
Obama: Ukraine
Putin: Ukraine who?
Obama: Ukraine annex Crimea, be we’ll slap sanctions on you.