Good jokes you've heard recently

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1322

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” “We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied. "She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.

1323

The Tazer…

In honor of St. Patty’s Day… A good friend of mine told this story last St. Patrick’s Day. Everyone in the bar was laughing so hard, we have never been able to forget it. Here’ how he told it, I swear…

“Last weekend I spied something at Larry’s Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. I bought something really cool for Kathy.

“The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweetheart. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket or purse-sized, Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affects on your attacker, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb., multi-tattooed assailant, push the button, and it renders him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil-necked, geek. If you’ve never seen one of these things in action, then you’re truly missing out—it is so cool!

“Well, I bought the device and brought it home, loaded two triple-a batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (who needs them directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I would get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. And I did. Awesome!!! Sparks, a pretty blue arc, and a loud pop!!!

“Yipeeeeee… I am so easily amused, for your information, but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

“Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently, reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second but thought better of it. However, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

“Now, am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time… So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and loss of bodily control; and a 3- count burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish.

“All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no friggin’ way!”

“What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best. Those of you who know me have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, “don’t do it buddy,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight—it’s always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don’t ya hate that?)

“I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD FUCKING DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I’m pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, and body slammed me on the carpet over and over again like a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

“I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie, standing over me, is making mewing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, g’head, do it again!”

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution; There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You’re not going to be able to let go of the thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. And then, if you’re lucky, you will not be able to dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

“SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take, I’m pretty sure.

“By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I’m offering a reward. They’re round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. I miss 'em… sure would like to get 'em back. They probably won’t come back though after being so badly used…”

1324

I realize that I missed an opportunity yesterday to tell the requisite Irish joke. Here it is (apply the requisite Irish accents, of course):
Michael and Paddy have been sitting in the pub for several hours, and they’re really in their cups.

Michael looks at longtime pal and says, “Paddy, will ye make me a promise?”

“Just name it, me old friend,” Paddy replies.

“Paddy,” says Michael, “When I die, I want you to buy a bottle of the finest Irish whiskey, and pour it over me grave. Will you do that for me, Paddy?”

“Sure and I will,” says Paddy. “But would ye mind very much if it passed through me kidneys first?”

1325

Two drunks stand at an alley, peeing.
A policeman walks by, and upon seeing them calls out: “Hey you two! Stop it and zip up!”
The two comply, and the policeman walks away.

One drunk leans over to his buddy, and says with a broad smile: “Ha! Fooled him! I zipped up, but didn’t stop!”

1326

These have probably been told in this thread already, but oh well…

An ancient Roman walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a martinus.”

The bartender says, “Don’t you mean ‘martini?’”

And the Roman says, “Listen, if I wanted two, I would’ve ordered two.”

A guy goes to his ophthalmologist’s office for a scheduled appointment.

The doctor says, “You know, you really should stop masturbating.”

The guy says, “Why? Because it’s true it’ll make me go blind?”

And the doctor says, “No, because you’re making me uncomfortable.”

So a Scotsman is out on the town, getting wasted. He finally passes out in the gutter on the street.

Two young girls walk by and see the Scotsman. Seeing that he’s wearing a kilt, they decide to peek and see if he’s a “true Scotsman.” Seeing that he is, one of the girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his member to show that they were there. They giggle and walk off.

A few hours later, the Scotsman finally wakes up and goes to take a leak. He lifts his kilt, finds the bow, and says, “Well, I don’t know where ya been, laddie, but I see you took first prize!”

1327

Old lady tourist asks a kilt-wearing Scot “Is anything worn under there?”

He answers “No, ma’am, I assure you it’s all in perfect condition.”

1328

Everybody sing.
ETA: What do Bruce Willis and Charlie Sheen have in common? They were very popular in the 80s but their old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher. (Not timely any more. Darn! Darn! Darn!)

1329

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is three o’clock in the freakin’ morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring rain!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Don’t you remember about three months ago… when we broke down… and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk.

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types would come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, yelling at me, ‘You’re next!’ ‘You’re next!!’

Well, they stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

1330

Today I saw a bumper sticker that said:

“Proud parent of a vegetarian”

It might be a joke but I’m not sure.

1331

Every vegetarian has heard some smug douchebag rattle off the bumper sticker, “If God wanted us to be vegetarian, how come animals are made out of meat?”

My brother’s response was best: he would stare at the person and mumble, “YOU’RE made of meat,” and then let his mouth hang slack and drool spill from the corner until they got uncomfortable and left.

1332

Vegetarian: old Indian word for “bad hunter”.

1333

A man is walking past a lawyer’s office and sees a sign outside: “Your questions answered: 3 for $500”. The man is amazed at the high price and, since it is a small office and he can see what is evidently the lawyer working at a desk just inside, he opens the door and goes in. “Excuse me,” he says, “but is it really true you charge $500 for answering 3 questions?” “Yes,” the lawyer replies. “That’s outrageous!” says the man, “How on earth can you justify such a high fee?” “My time is valuable and my expertise is unrivalled,” responds the lawyer. “Now, what was your third question?”

1334

African Roulette

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, “As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded–you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.”

This caused the African Ambassador to pause slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. He was led to a private room in the palace where the African ambassador spoke, “Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette.” So saying, the only door in the room is opened, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said, “These women are the most beautiful members of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blow job–take your pick”.

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, “Well, ok, great, but where’s the roulette part? Where’s the danger?”

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, “One of them is a cannibal.”

Sunbathing, a true story

A rather well-proportioned secretary, we’ll call her Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.” “What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.” “Not exactly,” said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

1335

Guy calls a company and orders heir 5 day/5lb weiight loss program.

The following Monday, there’s a knock at the door and there’s a gorgeous, fit young woman dressed in minimal running gear. She introduces herself as a representative of the company and informs the man that if he can catch her, he can have his way with her.

So she takes off, and after a couple miles of miserable huffing and puffing, the guy gives up. This continues for 5 days, he never catches the girl but sure enough, he loses 5 lb. Great stuff, he thinks, so he calls and orders the 5 day, 10lb plan.

Monday morning, knock at the door…there’s a beautiful fitness model, wearing nothing but short running shorts and shoes. Same deal, if he can catch her…she takes off.

After several miles of huffing and puffing to catch up, he calls it quits. This continues for the specified period, and though he never catches up, he loses 10lb.

With his goal weight in sight, he calls and orders the 5 day, 25lb plan. Sounds impossible, but he’s seen good results so far.

Monday morning, there’s a knock at the door. Standing in the doorway…taking up the entire doorway, in fact, is a truly impressive specimen of a man, built like Atlas and wearing nothing but hot pants and running shoes.

“Hi,” he says, “I’m from The Company. And if I catch you, you’re MINE.”

1336

One brought to mind by a recent post on another sub-forum. I’m not altogether sure about “good”, but I feel that it rates as “ingenious”…

A multi-national company wanted to extend its operations into Eastern Europe, and sent a small sales and negotiating team to Prague. They were entertained by local representatives of the business in which they were engaged. As part of the convivial doings, the locals took their guests bear-hunting in the forest near Prague. There were in the party the chief executive of the local undertaking, and some of his minions; and the multi-national was represented by the company’s president, the chief of sales, and the credit manager.

After some hours, they had the good fortune to encounter a fine brown bear. The president of the multi-national, given first shot as the honoured guest, raised his rifle and neatly dispatched the bear with one bullet. Just as the party were advancing to do the trophy-preparing routine, the bear’s enraged spouse rushed out of a nearby thicket, and took revenge on the humans. In the heat of the moment, the victim selected was not the guy who had done the killing, but the local chief executive. The infuriated bear seized him and, before his startled companions had a chance to do anything, mauled and bit him to death and dragged the corpse back into the woods, whence came obvious sounds of the poor guy being eaten.

The party, distraught, hot-footed it back to the city. Of course, the aggrieved bear had to be dealt with as a dangerous man-eater. The following day, the hunters went back to the scene of the action, plus a squad of heavily-armed game wardens and police – the folks from the multi-national felt that as a token of respect, they should attend this last act in the drama. None of the original hunting party had any great zoological knowledge; but the main consensus of opinion was that the shot bear had been the male of the couple, and that the female had taken revenge. For some reason, the credit manager thought differently, and was absolutely certain that the female bear had been shot, and the male had been the avenger. What with the general stress of the situation, quite angry words were exchanged about it – the credit manager refused to entertain the possibility of his being wrong.

After some hours’ searching, the bereaved bear was brought to bay, and died in a hail of bullets. And it turned out that the majority verdict was the right one; it was the female who had just been killed, for avenging her slain mate.

MORAL: Never believe a credit manager if he tells you that the Czech is in the male.

1337

vontsira:

Outstanding! Mrs. Burpo pummeled me for three full minutes for daring to relate that joke–a new personal best! :slight_smile:

1338

Thanks ! Since 1919, “Czech / cheque” jokes have tended to be rather multitudinous and tedious (thank Heaven that as from the 1990s, half the country went off elsewhere, thus lessening the number of corny jokes); but I feel that this particular one rises well above the average.

1339

Somewhat belatedly, and a bit off-topic; but, thoughts generated here of the early-19th-century British wit and doggerel poet, Thomas Hood – something of a predecessor of Ogden Nash, in his ability to find tortured-and-tortuous rhymes for no-matter-what.

One day, a friend of Hood’s laid a bet that he couldn’t find a rhyme for “Timbuktu”. The friend lost – Hood promptly came up with:

“I’d like to be a cassowary
On the plains of Timbuktu:
There, I’d eat a missionary –
Cassock, Bible, and hymn-book too.”

Geographically / biologically nonsensical; but 150+ years ago in Britain, tropical “wogs and wog-land and their fauna and flora” were seen as one indistinguishable and interchangeable mass…

1340

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood…

Sometimes I like to hide my wife’s inhaler so the neighbors think I’m a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
F*cking bitch.

When I seen a nun in a wheelchair one thought came to mind. Virgin mobile.

A gift card is a great way to say, “Go buy your own f*ckin’ present”.

I almost had a threesome last night I just needed two more people

1341

I remember when the candle shop caught fire, we all stood around singing, “Happy Birthday.” --Steven Wright

(think it in his voice; much funnier)