Good jokes you've heard recently

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1342

Selling Repellant

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.”

The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield, buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you.”

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.

“Son,” he said, “now, you don’t have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, “For crying out loud, Mister, doesn’t that calf have a mother?!!!”

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

1343

A New York tycoon named Rogers and a Jewish salesman named Cohen, who had always disliked each other, were nearing middle age. Cohen was about to retire. He got an appointment to meet Rogers in his office.

Rogers was his usual bigoted, snobbish self. “Look, Cohen,” he said, “I’ve never liked Jews, including you. OK, so now you’re going to retire. What do you want with me?”

Cohen spoke softly. “Rogers, I’ve never liked you either, but now that I’m calling an end to my career I’ve decided that once and for all I’m going to sell you something and I won’t leave your office until I do. Now what can I sell you?”

Rogers fumed and fumbled for a minute then said, “All right, Cohen. I’ll buy enough red ribbon to reach from your navel to the tip of your penis.”

Cohen shruggged and said, “That’s what you want, that’s what you’ll get, next Monday.” He then left Rogers’ office.

The next Monday, A fleet of 18-wheelers arrived at the loading bay of Rogers’ factory. The drivers and helpers got out and started unloading crates and crates of red ribbon. The shipping and receiving foreman called Rogers, who hit the ceiling.

He called Cohen immediately and bellowed, “Cohen, damn you! What the hell are you doing? I said I’ll buy enough red ribbon to reach from your navel to the tip of your penis!”

Cohen smirked, “That’s what you got, friend. Sixty-five years ago, I was circumcised in Tel Aviv…”

1344

A three-legged dog hobbles into a saloon and says

“I’m lookin’ fer the man who shot my pa”

1345

CAPISCO BUONE, SIGNORE! CHE SCIAGURA!:stuck_out_tongue:

1346

A travelling salesman is lost in the deep countryside when his car runs out of gas. He leaves his car and trudges to a distant farmhouse where he explains his predicament. “Well,” says the farmer, “it’s nearly dark now. Come sun-up I’ll give you a ride into town where you can get a can of gas, and in the meantime I guess we can put you up with my son.”

“Oh fuck,” says the salesman. “I’m in the wrong joke!”

1347

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate a slice of pizza before it was cool.

1348

That’s one of my go-to jokes…then I pair it with:
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

1349

Little Nemo: It might sound better as, “He was eating pizza before it was cool.”

1350

Left Hand of Dorkness:

A variation on this is that last week, at a Bar Mitzvah, I left my salad untouched, and declared, “If G-d wanted us to eat salad, he would have made it out of meat.”

1351

There’s always someone who has to milk the old jokes for all they’re worth.

I’ve used the variation “I’m a vegetarian - I live mostly on grass and grains. Well, my cows and chickens do, anyway.”

1352

Why did the hippie drown?

…

He was too far out, man.

1353

Priceless! I kept hearing Tommy Chong. :smiley:

1354

Here’s a groaner I made up today (though I daresay I’m not the first to think of it):

Why did Dr Watson never worry about getting lost when on an investigation with Sherlock, no matter how far away or strange the terrain? Because Shelock Holmes.

1355

Know where Napoleon kept his armies?

In his little sleevies.

1356

Two cows are standing in the English countryside.

One cow says to the other

“What do you think of mad cow disease?”

The second cow replies

“I don’t give a fuck, I’m a helicopter.”

1357

One of my all-time favorites. Almost qualifies for the “Jokes you have to explain” thread.

1358

A little has been made about these being jokes we’ve heard “recently”, but I think it counts if I’ve told them recently.

1359

I met Elton John once. I said to him “Do you like lollo rosso?” and he said “Oh no… I’m a rocket man.”

1360

Once again, this is not the “Jokes You Have to Explain” thread.

1361

I heard the joke in Post 960 years ago, but with a slight variation.

The cop sees that the man is holding a brassiere in his other hand and asks about it.

The man exclaims (sings)* “Somebody Stole My Gal…”

*Los Angeles DJ Dick Whittinghill regularly played “story records”: He inviterd readers to mail in short stories that ended with a line from a song, such as:

The spider told Miss Muffett, "You can keep the curds but give me, “All the Way” [Whey], from Frank Sinatra’s song.

When Tiny Tim got married “Is That All There Is” (Peggy Lee’s song).