Good Jokes

In My Humble Opinion
21

I apologize to the Catholics for these (but they’re just jokes)…

The new nun goes to confession and says she has a terrible
secret. The priest urges her to reveal it, saying he would never violate the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, “Father, I don’t wear panties under my habit.”
The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels.”

A young Irish lad entered the confessional and said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest asked, “Is that you Tommy?”

“Yes Father, it’s me.”

“Who was the woman you were with?”

“I cannot tell you Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation,” replied Tommy.

The priest asked, “Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“No, Father.”

“Was it Fiona MacDonald?”

“No.”

“Was it Ann O’Brien?”

“No.”

“Was it Mary Elizabeth O’Shea?”

“No, Father.”

“Was it Amy Thomas?”

“No, Father.”

“Was it little Cathy Morgan?”

“NO, Father! I cannot tell you.”

The priest finally said, “Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat.”

Tommy walked back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slid over and whispered, “What happened?”

“Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads.”

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he tumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the
sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was surprised but before she could do or say anything
he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and
kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move
very much so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers
and said

“You’re not so tough, Batman!”

Two irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and
watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see
a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the
other irishman said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see
that the jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…
one of the girls must be quite ill.”

22

Three old Jewish fellows sat on a park bench together.

The first one sighs heavily and says, “I raise my son in the best Jewish tradition. I do all I can to make our family proud of him. But I send him into the service, and when he comes back to me, he tells me he has become a Christian.”

The second one sighs and says, “Funny you should mention that. I, too, raise my son in the best Jewish tradition. I teach him the best way I know how. But I send him to the university, and when he comes back to me, he says he has become a Christian.” He buries his head in his hands.

The third one sighs and says, “Funny you should mention that. I also raise my boy in the best Jewish tradition, do all I can to keep him on the straight and narrow. But he goes into business for himself, and when he comes back to visit me, he tells me he has become a Christian.”

The three old men commiserate and try to console each other, and finally they agree that together they will ask God how they have failed as fathers.

And God sighs and says, “Funny you should mention that…”

23

A masked man enters a bank and pulls a gun on the teller.

“Your money or your life!” he yells at the woman teller.

“I’m sorry sir, I’m afraid there’s been a misunderstanding. See, this isn’t a regular bank. This is a SPERM BANK.”

“DON’T FUCK WITH ME LADY!!!” yells the masked robber, “I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!!!”

“Please sir, LISTEN TO ME!” pleads the woman, “You can do that, but you will still get NO MONEY!! This is a SPERM BANK. We only have sperm here, and NO MONEY!”

The robber is becoming more and more agitated by the second.
"All right, bitch! Take me to your safe! And if there’s money in it, I swear to GOD- I’ll fucking blow your brains out!!!

“Fine” says the woman as she leads the bandit to the safe in the back at gunpoint.

“OPEN IT!”

The woman opens the safe. And true to her word, it’s filled vials of donated sperm.

“See, sir?” says the woman “Like I said: there is no money in the safe. This is a SPERM BANK, and not a regular bank!”

The robber by this point is out of his mind.

“Drink one of the vials!” yells the robber. The woman, with a gun to her head, has no choice and commits the vile act.

“Drink another one!” demands the robber. The woman drinks a second vial of sperm. The robber takes off his mask.
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“See honey? It doesn’t taste THAT bad, does it?”

Why did the hillbilly walk his son to school?

THEY WERE IN THE SAME GRADE!

Why is the Enterprise like toilet paper?

IT GOES AROUND URANUS LOOKING FOR CLINGONS!

A guy walks into a pub, only to see an alligator sitting on the bar! He immediately turns tail and leaves!

“Sir please don’t leave!” pleads the bartender, “Look pal, if I can prove to you that this alligator is safe, will you stay? I’ll even give you a free beer!”

The patron agrees. The bartender proceeds to pry the alligators jaws wide open. He then unzips his fly and places his johnson in the gators mouth. He stands there for ten minutes.

The bartender zips up. “See? Do you think you could do that?”

“I don’t know” says the customer “I don’t know if I could keep my mouth open that long.”

Two guys are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking it’s own balls.

“Man,” remarks one of the men, “I wish I could do that!”

“What’s stopping you?” replies his friend, “It’s only a little dog!”

24

I never knew nuns were so damn funny!!..I knew you guys would come through.Thanks

25

One short and one longer.

What are the most common last words in Kentucky?
“Hey, y’all. Watch this!”

A man dies and his wife takes him to the funeral home. The funeral director assures her that he will fix him up real nice, noting that he was wearing a beautiful grey suit. The widow said, “That’s a problem. He has to be buried in a blue suit.” The director objects that the suit the corpse was wearing was beautifully tailored and would look great in the coffin, but she insists that it has to be a blue suit and she would pay whatever it cost.

A couple of days later she comes back for the funeral and is very pleased to see her dearly departed laid out in a fantastic looking blue suit. She asks the funeral director how much she owes and he says, “There is no charge. Coincidentally enough, right after we finished talking the other day, another woman came in with her dead husband who was wearing a blue suit. Moreover, her concern was exactly the opposite of yours – she wanted her husband buried in a grey suit. So I compared the two guys, found they were similar height and similar build, so I just switched the heads.”

26

A priest and a rabbi grew up in the same neighborhood and remained good friends throught their lives, despite the priest’s incessant attempts to convert the rabbi to Catholicism. One day, they are in the car together and are run off the road by a truck. The car comes to rest in the ditch and, forunately, neither is hurt. The priest is shocked as he sees his jewish friend perform the sign of the cross.

“After all these years, I began to think I’d never live to see this day. I am only sorry that it took a near-death experience to convert you to the one true faith.”

“Convert, schmert. Spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch. I’m alright.”

27

Real quickie that I forgot
How do you get a guitarist off your porch?
Pay for the pizza.

28

A lawyer was on a plane, sitting in an aisle seat. It was a long flight, and he settled in and took off his shoes. In the two seats next to him were two doctors. They chatted for a few minutes, and the lawyer got up to get a coke. When he got back, one of the doctors said, “That looks good, can you get me one?” The lawyer said, “Sure, no problem”, and went to get the doctor a coke.

 While he was gone, the doctor spit in the lawyer's shoes. After the lawyer came back with the coke, the other doctor said, "I hate to be a pain, but I'd like one, too, if you don't mind". So, the lawyer went to get the second doctor a coke. While he was gone, the second doctor spit in the lawyer's shoes.

 As the plane landed, the lawyer put his shoes on and immediately figured out what happened. He shook his head sadly and said to the two doctors, "Why must there by so much animosity between our professions? When will all of this pettiness stop? All of this spitting in the shoes, the pissing in the cokes..."

 *************************************************
 A lawyer, a rabbi, and a hindu were on a trip together. Their car broke down, and they stopped at a farmhouse. The farmer said that he would let them spend the night, but there was only room for two in the house, and the other one would have to sleep in the barn. The rabbi volunteered to sleep in the barn.

 A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. "There's a pig in the barn. I can't sleep there", said the rabbi. "I'll go", said the hindu. A few munites later, however, there was a knock at the door. "Thre's a cow there", said the hindu. "I can't sleep in the barn with a cow".

 "Look, you guys gave it your best shot", said the lawyer. "I'll go sleep in the barn". A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. It was the pig and the cow.
29

A lawyer rises from a deep sleep to find himself at the pearly gates. As he prepares to be judged, he asks, “What happened to me, the last thing I knew, I was going to sleep. Was there a gas leak?”
“Why, no” Saint Peter replies, “You died of old age.”
“Old age? How can that be; I’m 51 years old.”
“51? Wait a minute, your timesheets say you’re 96.”

The Pope finally succumbs to a long illness. Directly in front of him at the pearly gates is a lawyer. Saint Peter greets him warmly, gives him the keys to a luxurious penthouse apartment, calls for a limo, and details his most beautiful assistant to see the barrister to his new home. The Pope steps up to Saint Peter and is given the keys to a seventh floor walk-up and a bus pass. He is outraged and demands “What is going on here. I was the Lord’s personal emmissary on earth and earnestly prayed for the souls of millions. Why in Heaven is that lawyer treated so much better than me?”
“Why, Your Holiness, we have literally hundreds of popes up here but he’s the first lawyer to make it through the gates in 200 years.”

30

Sister Mary was riding home to the abbey one night, taking the number 5 bus. It was pretty late, so the only other people on the bus were the bus driver, and a dirty old man.

The dirty old man couldn’t keep his lecherous eyes off the young nun, and was quite disappointed when the nun finally got off at her stop.

After driving away, the bus driver remarked to the man, “I couldn’t help but notice you eyeing Sister Mary over there.”

“Why, do you know her?” asked the old man.

“Yeah sure, she rides this route all the time. In fact, I know her pretty well. I could tell you how you can have her to yourself, if you’d like.”

Barely concealing his excitement, the man agrees.

“Well,” said the bus driver, “Sister Mary likes to take walks by herself in the garden by the Abbey at midnight. She’s also very supserstitious. You could wear a sheet over yourself, and slip in through the gate. Tell her you’re the Holy Spirit, and you can have your way with her.”

So the next night, the dirty old man slipped in through the gates of the Abbey garden wearing his sheet and saw the nun, as the bus driver said, walking along the footpath.

Coming up to her, he said “Sister Mary, I am the Holy Spirit, and I would like to have you.”

“Wow, Holy Spirit, this is a great honor,” said Sister Mary, “but, as part of my order’s vows of chastity, we are required to sew ourselves up… down there… You’ll have to use the ‘back door.’”

So the dirty old man goes to work. Completing his job, he throws off his sheet and says:

“Hah! I’m a dirty old man!”

Sister Mary then throws off her habit:

“Hah! I’m the bus driver!”

31

I’m not posting this because it’s the most offensive joke I know (although it is) I’m posting it because it’s the shortest joke I know, and I’m late-

What’s the best thing about getting a blowjob from an Ethiopian?

You know she’ll swallow.

No, really. I wanted to tell the panda joke. Much nicer. I just don’t have the time. Really.

32

A gay Irish priest in New Delhi
Tattooed the lord’s prayer on his belly
By the time that a Brahman
read down to the amen
he’d blown both salvation and Kelly

33

  • How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    To get to the other side.

  • How many dyslexics does is take to change a glitblub?

  • Why does Marxistst only drink herbal tea?
    Because proper tea is theft.

34

Reminds me of:

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

P.S. Came over somewhat dyslexic myself in that last post. hangs head in shame and chants: I will preview, I will preview, I will preview

35

What are the second most common last words in Kentucky?
“Well shit, I can do that too.”

And now for another priest joke…

One day, a priest is out walking through the village. He sees a fisherman whom he recognizes from the congregation, and they start talking. The fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him, so they get on the fisherman’s boat and head out to the middle of the lake. The priest baits his hook, tosses the line in, and a few seconds later, feels a huge tug on the line. He fights for a few minutes, and reels in a fish that has to be about 24" long and 15 pounds. The fisherman, quite impressed, says “Wow! Would you look at that sonofabitch?” The priest is shocked and chides the fisherman for his language. The fisherma, feeling embarassed, says “But father, I wasn’t swearing; that fish is called a sonofabitch.” The priest shrugs; after all, he’s not that familiar with the language of the street.

So they continue fishing for a little while, but nothing else is caught, and they return to shore and part ways. The priest returns to his church, where he is greeted by the Mother Superior. He excitedly holds up the fish and says “Look at this sonofabitch!” The Mother Superior is shocked, and the priest explains “No, no, it’s not swearing; a fisherman told me that that’s the name of this fish.” The Mother Superior is placated, and offers to clean the fish.

The Mother Superior is in the kitchen cleaning the fish when the bishop walks in. She holds up the nearly-cleaned fish and says “Look at this sonofabitch that the priest caught!” The bishop is livid, and begins to chide the Mother Superior for her language, but she responds “But that’s what the fishermen of this village call it!” The Bishop is placated, and offers to cook the fish for dinner that night.

As luck would have it the Pope decides to visit for dinner that night. The priest, Mother Superior, and Bishop decide that the fish would make a proper dinner for the four of them. The Pope is quite taken with the fish dinner he is served, and after dinner says “Now, my children…how did each of you contribute to this meal?” The priest says “Your Holiness, I caught this sonofabitch.” The Mother Superior says “Your Holiness, I cleaned this sonofabitch.” The Bishop says “Your Holiness, I cooked this sonofabitch.”

The Pope looks around, smiles, kicks up his feet, lights up a big ol’ stogie, and says “You know what? You motherfuckers are all right.”

36

It’s not exactly a joke, but it still make me laugh…

The Top 15 Computer Nerd Alcoholic Beverages

  1. Pasty White Russian
  2. ASCII Sour
  3. Seagram’s Seven of Nine
  4. Harvey Codebanger
  5. Slow Comfortable Download Against the Firewall
  6. Chat Room on the Beach
  7. Dotcomikaze
  8. Blue Daiquiri Of Death
  9. Anything, as long as there’s a Mountain Dew chaser.
  10. Screamin’ Klingon
  11. SCSI Navel
  12. Rum and Jolt
  13. Your Company on the Rocks
  14. Sloe Porn Download
  15. Sex in Your Dreams
37

My father told me this one a long time ago.

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a slide-rule.

When I tell it nowadays, kids just stare at me waiting for the punchline. They don’t know what a slide-rule is. What a modern age we live in!

38

Last one I swear:
What is the best thing about going out with a homeless girl?
you can drop her off anywhere. :smiley:

39

How is marriage like a tornado?

In the beginning it sucks and blows, and in the end it takes your house.

40

A penguin’s driving along a lonely stretch of road, and notices his car is starting to make weird noises.

As luck would have it, just as poor Mr Penguin starts to swear, he notices a garage and ice cream shop ahead. He pulls in and consults with the mechanic.

‘Whelp, Mr Penguin, I’ll have to look over your car. Why don’t you stop into the ice cream shop and have a cone on the house while you wait?’

The Penguin agrees, and heads in. Now, Penguins aren’t the most exciting creatures on earth, so he orders Vanilla. They’re also not the neatest, so, by the time he’s finished his cone, his beak and chest are covered in the stuff. Now, he figures that the mechanic is probably finished looking at his car, so decides he’ll go out to see what’s wrong before cleaning up.

The mechanic spots him, and heads out to meet him as he leaves the ice cream place. ‘Hey, Mr Penguin. Looks like you blew a seal.’

‘NO! It’s just ice cream!’

–

A man walks into a bar, and calls out ‘Hey - did anyone leave their pet Penguin in the parking lot?’

Everybody in the bar shakes their heads.

‘Well, shit…I guess I just ran over a nun…’