Good Jokes

In My Humble Opinion
41

More nuns…

A priest and a nun are playing golf one day. The nun hits the ball… and makes a hole-in-one. The priest comes up and hooks it in the woods. He screams at the top of his lungs, ‘‘DAMN SHIT I MISSED!’’
The nun is appalled at this language and says, ‘‘Father, do not say that.’’

‘‘Yeah, yeah,’’ the priest replies. The next hole the same thing happens and again the priest screams, ‘‘DAMN SHIT I MISSED!’’ Once again the nun corrects him.

On the third hole, the same thing happens and once again the priest lashes out with a yell, ‘‘DAMN SHIT I MISSED!’’

The nun, fed up with his language says, ‘‘Father, the next time you say that, the clouds will gather and lightning will strike you dead’’

The priest looks around and sees not a cloud in sight, but decides to shut up and play it safe. They get through the rest of the round and come to hole number eighteen and the priest misses a short putt and as loud as he can screams, ‘‘DAMN SHIT I MISSED!!!’’

Clouds gather, lightning strikes…and the nun drops dead. Then up in the clouds, the priest hears a voice…’'Damn shit I missed!!!"

42

Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said “These potatoes remind me of Zeke’s balls.”
“Are they that big?” asked the other.
“No they’re this dirty.”

Q: What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy’s face AFTER he turns 13.

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.”
The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. “Dad why are wedding dresses white?”
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”

43

All right everyone. Here’s my impression.

Of a man you know and love.

John F. Kennedy.

[turns around for a moment. Turns back]

(Slap the back of my head)

Ouch!

[sub]Thank you thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. Stay for the second show at 11. Try the veal![/sub]

44

Pesch- What the hell?

45

I’d like to see more funny lightbulb jokes, here’s mine:

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They wait for it to burn out and follow it around for ten years.

46

What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

You can feed a family with a pizza.

What do you call a guy that hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

Stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

47

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic’s Association

48

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a nun, an Irishman, a bear and a dog walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up an says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

49

A travelling salesman comes up to a farm one day. As he starts walking down the drive, he sees a pig standing in its pen looking at him. Feeling whimsical, the salesman says, “Hey there, Mr. Pig. How’s the farmer treating you?”

To the salesman’s surprise, the pig looks him in the eye and says, “Pretty good!” The salesman is astonished and hurries along. He sees a cow, and wonders if its just the pig, so he says, “Hey there, Mr. Cow. Farmer treating you okay?” And the cow says, “Yeah, he’s okay.”

The salesman’s mind is totally blown. He can’t wait to talk to the farmer. Just as he gets to the house, he sees a sheep. He says, “Hey, Mr. Sheep! Can you talk, too?” and the sheep says, “Sure can.”

The salesman runs up to the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers, and the salesman says, “Did you know that your pig can speak?”

“Really? That’s incredible!”

“Not only that, so can your cow!”

“My God! Why, I could make a fortune!”

“That’s not all! Even your sheep can talk!”

“The sheep LIES!”

50

A man, a dog, and a sheep are shipwrecked on a desert island. After several years of living without human companionship, the man starts having sexual fantasies about the sheep. However, whenever he gets near it, the dog bares its teeth, growls, and prepares to attack him. This goes on for quite a while.

Time passes, and eventually a woman falls off a passing ship and is stranded on the island. Sensing an opportunity, he prepares a bonfire and cooks dinner for her on the beach. After a nice, relaxing meal, he turns to her and says, “Why don’t you take the dog for a walk now.”

51

The Mother Superior and her secretary are in the office, working. From the open window comes the sound of nuns laughing in the courtyard. The Mother Superior tells the secretary to look out the window and find out what is going on. The secretary looks out, and reports back that the sisters are riding a bicycle around the courtyard. The Mother Superior gets up, leans out the window, and hollers down top the sisters:
“Put the seat back on that bicycle, or I lock it away for a month again!”

52

Some of these work best when said out loud in a British accent!

What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head?

Doug
What do you call a man with a hundred rabbits up his arse?

Warren
What do you call a man with a plank on his head?

Edward
What do you call a man with three planks on his head?

Edward Woodward

53

A guy walks in and sits down at the bar. He orders 7 shots of Jack Daniels whiskey.

The bartender goes “Wow! What’s the occasion?”

“Just had my first blowjob”

“Hell,” The Bartender said “I’ll give you your 8th one for free!”

“Nah,” Said the man " If 7 shots of whiskey don’t get rid of the taste, I don’t think 8 will"

54

Two Irish men walk into a bar. They both order shots and immediately down them both. As soon as they’re done, they order 2 more and down both of those. Finally, they order 2 more shots and the one man turns to the other and says, “Cheers!” to which the first man replies, “Did you come here to drink or bullshit?!”.

55

Jesus walks into an inn, hands the innkeeper 3 nails and says:

“Can you put me up for the night?”

We’re going to need a bus for all the people going to hell cause of this thread.

56

Two cowboys are relaxing around the campfire when they hear the ominous sound of war drums from the next valley.

“I don’t like the sound of those drums.” says one. “Me neither.” says the other.

And from the next valley they hear, “He’s not our regular drummer.”

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck are working on a skyscraper. They sit on a girder to take their lunch.

The Irishman exclaims, “Damn, corned beef and cabbage again. If I get this for lunch one more time, I’m jumping off this building!”

The Mexican exclaims, “Damn, bean burritos again. If I get this for lunch one more time, I’m jumping off this building!”

The redneck exclaims, “Damn, baloney sandwiches again. If I get this for lunch one more time, I’m jumping off this building!”

The next day they sit down for lunch again.

The Irishman opens his lunchbox, sees corned beef and cabbage, and promptly leaps seventy stories to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunchbox, sees bean burritos, and promptly leaps seventy stories to his death.

The redneck opens his lunchbox, sees baloney sandwiches, and promptly leaps seventy stories to his death.

At the funeral, the workers’ wives wail with remorse.

“If only I hadn’t always given him corned beef and cabbage for lunch, he’d still be here!” cries the Irishman’s wife.

“If only I hadn’t always given him bean burritos for lunch, he’d still be here!” cries the Mexican’s wife.

The redneck’s wife just weeps into her hanky, saying nothing.

After a while this draws some disapproving looks. Finally, she cries, “Don’t look at me, he packed his own lunch!”

57

Some dude is suspicious of what his wife is doing when he’s away at work. So one day he decides to come home a little after leaving that morning. Just as he comes in the front door, he sees a man running down the street putting on his pants. In a fit of rage, he picks up the refrigerator and throws it at the fleeing man and kills him instantly, as well as himself, from the strain.

Up before the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is interviewing three newly departed. He calls the first man over and asks him the circumstances of his death. The fellow tells him: “Well, I thought my wife might be cheating on me. So one day I came home early and saw this guy running down the street with his pants half off. I was so angry that I picked up a fridge and threw it his way.”

St. Peter considers his story and finally allows him to enter. Then he calls the second man over and asks him about the circumstances of his death. He replies: “Well you see, I was late for work and had little time to get dressed so I ran to the bus stop while putting on my trousers. Before I knew it I was here.”

St. Peter allowed him to enter as well. Then he called the third man over and asked him about the circumstances of his death. He replied: “I was having an affair with this woman when her husband suddenly came back unexpectedly. The only place I could hide was in the refrigerator.”

58

Heres a few of my favourites.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodka”.
The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…” :slight_smile:

Hell.
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.
Demon: “Why so glum, chum?”
Guy: “What do you think? I’m in Hell.”
Demon: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?”
Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”
Demon: “Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, bear, wine coolers; we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.”
Guy: “Gee, that sounds great.”
Demon: “You a smoker?”
Guy: “You better believe it.”
Demon: “All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars and cigarettes from around the world and smoke our friggin’ lungs out. If you get emphysema, it’s okay… you’re already dead!”
Guy: “Oh, man! This is too much!”
Demon: “I bet you like to gamble.”
Guy: “Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
Demon: “Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.”
Guy: “Gosh, I never played pai gow before…”
Demon: “Well now you can. You like to do drugs?”
Guy: “Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…”
Demon: “That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s okay… you’re already dead!”
Guy: “Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin’ place!”
Demon: “You gay?”
Guy: “Uh, no.”
Demon: “Oooh. You’re gonna hate the weekends.” :smiley:

A Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer, “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.” :eek:

59

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of Jack Daniels, which the bartender proceeds to pour. The man drinks them all down one after the other.

“What gives?” asks the bartender.

“You’d drink like that, too, if you had what I have.” says the man.

“What do you have?” asks the bartender.

The man says, “Seventy-five cents.”

60

Q: What do 10,000 battered womed have in common?
A: None of them knew when to shut the f*ck up!

Q: What the first thing a women should do after coming home
from a women’s shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows whats good for her.