At least you were warned…
So without warning:
Q: What’s the worst part about fucking a 10 year old?
A: Getting the blood off of the clown suit!
A man walks into a bar, with a cage containing three ducks. The barman notices the sign on the cage, which reads “Walt and his amazing talking ducks”. The barman quizzes the customer, who insists that the ducks can talk. Eventually Walt feels the need to visit the lavatory and so the barman decides to check out the ducks.
“Hello, duck and what is your name?” he asks.
To his amazement the duck replies “Hi, there sir, I am called Huey”.
“How has your day been?” asks the barman.
“Fine”, comes the reply, “it has been a wonderful day, and for entertainment, I’ve been able to go in and out of puddles all day!”
Turning to the second duck, the barman says, “And how about you?”
“Hi, I’m Duey” says the second duck “and I have spent all day going in and out of puddles as well!”.
Impressed, the barman turns to the third, bedraggled duck and says, “and I suppose you are Louie?”
“No” it replies, “my name is Puddles and don’t even think of asking me what kind of day I’ve had!”
So there’s this poor family, just the father, his son, and the son’s pet duck. Life is pretty rough, but with the pet duck, the kid’s happy enough, until one day, the father comes in and says “Son, I’m afraid we’re running very low on money, and we can’t afford a pet duck anymore. In fact, we’re going to have to eat him if you want to have any dinner tonight.”
Well, the son is understandably very upset; this duck has been a companion for a long time! He cries and he carries on, but his father keeps on insisting that he can’t afford the duck anymore and they’ll have to eat him if they want dinner. The boy (let’s call him Joey) finally decides that the only solution is to sell the duck, so at least the duck won’t have to die and can have a good home, and the father agrees that if Joey can sell his duck, that’d be okay too.
So Joey takes off, duck in hand, to find a new home for his feathered friend. He tries the neighbors, but they don’t want the duck. He goes farther along, but no one there wants the duck either. In fact, he spends the entire day trying to sell his duck, but no one will buy it! Disheartened, Joey gets ready to go home to give the duck to his dad so they can eat, but he decides to try one last house first.
He walks up to the front door and knocks, but no one answers. He knocks again, and still no one answers, but the door wasn’t really closed and swung open, so Joey let himself in. And he heard this strange rhythmic squeeky sound coming from up the stairs, so maybe someone was home!
Up the stairs the lad goes, and he soon follows the sound into a bedroom, where a naked man and an equally naked woman are quite busy. Obviously, this is a bad time to do business. But just then, the front door slams open, and a deep voice from the entrance bellows “Honey, I’m home!”
“Oh God,” says the woman. “My husband! Quick, hide!”
The man gathers his clothes and leaps into the closet, followed closely by Joey, since it’s struck the lad that he doesn’t have a good explanation for being in the house either. No sooner do the pair close the closet door than a man walks into the bedroom and starts looking around suspiciously. Fortunately, his wife, being quick of wit, is able to calm his suspicions, and the couple are soon otherwise occupied.
Joey, sensing that he might be able to safely speak now, tugs on the other man’s coat sleeve (this man, of course, found it rather embarrassing to be in a closet naked with a 10 year old boy and a duck, so he got dressed while he hid). “Hey, hey Mister! You wanna buy a duck?”
“No, I don’t want to buy a duck. I just want to leave. Now be quiet, kid.”
Now Joey really wanted to sell his duck, so he decided a little blackmail might be in order. “Hey Mister, if you don’t buy the duck, I’ll scream!”
“Oh God no, don’t do that! Look, just keep quiet and I’ll make it up to you later, okay?”
“No no, Mister, you have to buy my duck or I’ll scream. I really mean it.”
“Fine,” snarls the man, not best pleased by this development. “I’ll buy your duck. Here, have $10.”
“You don’t understand, Mister. This is a special duck. I want $50 for him.”
“FIFTY DOLLARS FOR A DUCK?!? You must be out of your mind, kid!”
“I’ll scream!”
“FINE! Here, here’s your money. Now give me my duck and shut up.”
So the two of them wait in the closet for a while longer, since it’s obvious that they can’t yet safely leave, and Joey has another bright idea. He tugs on the man’s coat sleeve, and says “Hey Mister, I want to buy my duck back.”
“Fine,” says the man, who didn’t really want to spend $50 on a duck, of course. “Here, here’s your duck.”
Joey hands the man a fiver, and the man looks at him, irritated. “That duck is worth $50, not $5! Where’s the rest of my money?”
Joey smiles serenely and says “he’s not that special to me, Mister. I’m only giving you $5 for him.”
The man says “Oh, in that case, give me the duck back. You can KEEP your $5.”
“No, no, I’m buying this duck.”
“No you bloody well aren’t!”
“Yes I am!”
“No you aren’t!”
“I’ll sceam!”
“Fine, fine, whatever. Here’s your duck. Now leave me alone, you little brat!”
Well, a good bit later, the husband fell asleep, and Joey and his victim were able to escape the house. Joey heads on home with his duck and $45, quite happy that things have worked out so well. He gets back home, and his dad sees that Joey still has the duck and says “I’m sorry you weren’t able to sell the duck, Joey, but we have to eat, you know.”
Joey replies “no, it’s alright. Look, I have $45!”
Joey’s dad is overjoyed and takes the money, but then he checks himself and says “And just where did you get this money, young man?”
Joey, recognizing the evil Parental Stare of Doom[sup]TM[/sup], decides it would be pointless to lie to his dad, so he tells him the whole story. His dad is outraged, and says “Look, Joey, you obviously aren’t going to be able to return the money, since you don’t know who the man was, but I want you to go to church tomorrow morning to confess this awful sin! How could you? I raised you better than this!”
Joey reluctantly gets up the next morning and heads for the church. He slips into the confessional, and says “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest listens to Joey’s confession in silence (it’d been a while, so Joey had other sins to confess anyway), and then Joey says “but worst of all is what I did last night. You see, there was this duck…”
“I don’t want to hear anything more about that duck, kid!”
Okay, so it’s not funny. (It was hilarious to me when I was like 8, but no longer.) But hopefully I got y’all to spend a whole long time reading it! 
disclaimer: Posting this as it came to me via email. Probably not original to the times, and I don’t mean to make any political aspersions.
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”
She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”
Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”
“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”
“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”
“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”
“Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
“Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you dumb cracker.”
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”
And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, it’s Tony Blair.”
A couple light bulb jokes:
How many militant feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. And there’s nothing funny about it.
How many Arabs does it tke to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just stand there and threaten it.
Many Catholics are in my family, and therefore I’ve heard many nun jokes. So here are a couple that I haven’t seen on here yet:
A nun from a nearby convent walks into the liquor store and grabs a large bottle of whiskey and walks to the counter. The store clerk is reluctant to sell his product.
Clerk: I’m really sorry Sister. But I cannot sell this whiskey to you. I’ve been given strict order from the Mother Superior not to sell alcohol to any of you girls.
Nun: Oh, but believe me. This time is an exception. In fact, this whiskey is for the Mother Superior for medical purposes.
Clerk: <surprised> Ohhhh. Well…what’s wrong with her. I hope she gets better.
The nun bashfully looks at the clerk.
Nun: Ummm…I don’t know how else to say this…but…she…she’s constipated.
Clerk: Ahhh Ah Ok! Go ahead take this to the Mother Superior with my best wishes to her. I apologize for delaying you.
The nun leaves the store with the whiskey. Several hours pass before the clerk’s shift is over. After leaving the store, he notices the nun sumbling on the sidewalk. Then, she commences to swing her arm around a lamp post while waving an empty bottle with her other hand. She is obviously sloshed up drunk.
Clerk: <outraged> You lied to me. This beverage was supposed to be for the Mother Superior’s medical purposes.
The nun slurs: It still is. When she sees me, she gonna sh*t.
Four nuns are riding in a car back the convent from a charity event. Suddenly, they are involved in a tragic accident. They all die and approach the pearly gates to see Saint Peter. He asks the first nun, “Sister, have you ever sinned?”
“Well,” she thinks for a moment, “I kissed a man once.”
Saint Peter frowns slightly and says, “You go that fountain over there and wash off your lips with the holy water, and then you may proceed into heaven.” The nun does as she is told.
Saint Peter asks the next nun, “Have you ever sinned?”
The nun sighs and admits, “I am very sorry for my sin. I once touched a man’s penis.”
Saint Peter gives her a similar option. “You wash your hand in this holy water and you also may go into heaven.”
She does. Then, St. Peter sees the other nuns pushing and shoving each other. “Hey what going on here?” he asks.
One nun shouts back, “Well I’m just trying to gargle this water before she sits in it!”
Someone here will agree that these jokes are just their type:
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
A: Damn!
Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
A: Because they’re ugly and they stink.
Q: What’s better than winning the Gold Medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded. (there’s a similar joke here, but I like this one more)
Q: What has six legs, four arms, and eight eyes?
A: An alien.
Q: Why did the koala bear fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
A: No, of course not.
Q: What do you say when you get a gift you don’t like?
A: “Hey, there’s a gift.”
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.
Q: What’s blue and white and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A: A fridge in a denim jacket.
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath…He came to be known as a: super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
this is a series of jokes best told together
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: “Look, a herd of elephants in the distance”
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn’t recognize them.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: “Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!”
Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.
Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: “Look! A herd of plums in the distance” (Jane is colour blind)
“Knock. Knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting cow.”
“Interrupting cow wh…”
“Mmmoooooooo!”
The dry, unfunnyness of some of these jokes is what makes them funny. Too bad if you don’t get it. Very funny if you do.
What do you get when you stab a baby 15 times with a butcher knife?
An erection!
Studi
OK. OK. It’s golf…
There’s this guy who plays with his best friend every Saturday. They’re in the clubhouse after one of their rounds when the guy says, “Y’know buddy, I won’t be able to play with you next weekend. I’m goin’ to be in the hospital.”
His friend, alarmed, says, “Oh my God, what’s wrong?”
“Oh nothing life-threatening, you understand. It just that I happen to have been born with both male and female genitalia. Next Saturday I go in to have my vagina sewn up.”
“WHAT?! Are you crazy? Have 'em cut off your dick. You could hit from the red tees!”
What the hell is wrong with you???
What the hell is wrong with you??? **
[/QUOTE]
Actually, I thought it was funny.
Q: How do you know it’s bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
A: The big hand touches the little hand.
A guy is standing in line at the local supermarket. As the cashier rings up his toothbrush, bunch of bananas, and deodorant, she remarks to him, “You must be single.”
The guy looks at her, amazed. “You could tell that just from my purchases?”
“No,” she replies. “Because you’re fucking ugly.”
Not being Catholic, I wouldn’t normally tell this sort of joke, but it comes courtersy Dave Allen.
First thing in the morning Sister Mary is walking down the hallway of the convent. She meets a nun, who says to her loudly:
" You woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
Mary is a bit surprised by this, but she keeps on walking. A few seconds later another nun walks by and looks at her, saying:
" You woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
Again, Mary shakes her head in confusion, and keeps walking. Her morning doesn’t get any better, because before she reaches the chapel, eight other nuns who she meets look at her grinning, and say the same thing:
" You woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
Mary by this stage is really pissed off, and she storms into the chapel. The first person she sees is the Mother Superior, who looks her up and down, and is about to speak, before Mary cuts her off.
“DON’T tell me I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
The Mother Superior looks at her, surprised, and says:
“I wasn’t going to say that. I was just going to ask you why you had the Bishop’s shoes on.”
I don’t believe CheapBastid is speaking from experience, AMM9132. It’s a joke, okay? Whole subgenre unto itself. Rather like:
(Get ready to be outraged)
What’s the best thing about having sex with a 10 year old girl?
For variety, you can roll her over and pretend she’s a 10 year old boy.
No-one’s advocating the behaviour that I can see.
Guess I had better chime in with a nun joke to change the flow… 
A young girl decides to become a nun and goes to seek admission. The girl is ushered into the Mother Superior’s office and is told, “Well, of course you are welcome to join us, my daughter, but you should know that we take a very strict vow of silence here.” The girl replies that it is not a problem and joins the order.
Five years pass and the Mother Superior sends for the young nun. “You have been with us for five years now, my daughter, and I am going to lift the vow of silence for a moment and allow you to say two words, if you like.” The nun thinks for a minute and says, “Bed hard.” The Mother Superior smiles and replies, “Well, we’ll see what we can do about that.”
Five more years pass and the Mother Superior sends for the young nun again. “You have been with us for ten years now, my daughter, and I am going to lift the vow of silence for a moment and allow you to say two words, if you wish.” The nun thinks for a minute and says, “Food cold.” The Mother Superior smiles and replies, “Yes, well, we’ll see what we can do about that.”
Five more years pass and the Mother Superior sends for the nun yet again. "You have been with us for fifteen years now, my daughter, and I am going to lift the vow of silence for a moment and allow you to say two words, if you like. The nun thinks for a minute and says, “I quit.” The Mother Superior replies, “Maybe that’s for the best. You’ve been bitchin’ ever since you got here.”
A peace accord is reached in Northern Ireland. A celebration is held, an both the Queen and the Pope announce that they will attend.
When the day arrives, an enormous crowd gathers in a square in Belfast. The Queen and the Pope appear on a balcony.
The Queen decides to show off a little, so she whispers to the Pope, “Believe it or not, I can make every Protestant in this crowd cheer for the next five minutes with a simple hand gesture.”
“I don’t believe it”, the Pope replies, so she waves to the crowd, and all the Protestants start cheering.
When they are finished, the Pope whispers to the Queen, “Believe it or not, I can make every Catholic in this crowd cheer for the next ten minutes with a simple hand gesture.”
“I don’t believe it”, the Queen replies, so the Pope slaps her.
Why did the chicken cross the playgound?
To get to the other slide…
Why did the little chicken walk across the road softly?
'Cause it couldn’t walk hardly.
Rene Descartes is in a bar.
The barkeep says, “Will you have another drink?”
Descartes says, “I think not.” And he disappears!
A lady gets on a bus, sits next to two men speaking in thick accents. She begins to eavesdrop on their conversation:
“First Emma comes. Then I come. Then, two asses. Then I come again. Then the two asses come again. Then I come again, and pee twice. Then I come all alone.”
The woman can take no more. She turns around and says: “This is disgusting! I don’t know where you’re from, but maybe you should go back there, because your filth is unwanted here!”
So the one guy says, “What, just because my friend don’t know how to spell Mississippi?”
My mother told me to go to the dam to collect some water. But when I went there…naw, even I think that’s lame.
Wanna hear a really joke? Okay, the horse…that’s even worse.
A haole, a blala, and a pake go to hell…no, unless you’ve lived in Hawaii all your life, there isn’t even a chance that you’ll get it.
There once lived a poor conductor…no, no, no, it’s just too painful.
How many angry white men does it take to…cripes, I don’t even get that one.
What’s the difference between Nebraska…or was it Ohio State? Or Miami? Dammit, why’s everyone make such a big friggin’ deal out of the bowl games, anyway.
There was a famous fisherman who had a net full of sucker fish…forget it, I’m not bringing up anything that reminds me of the Boy Scouts. Period.
Nng…
Okay, I got it!
Q: What’s the difference between Pat Buchanan and the Hindenburg?
A: One’s a fiery Nazi gasbag; the other’s a dirigible that exploded.
LOOK, I’M NOT EDDIE FREAKING MURPHY, ALL RIGHT??
A man and a woman are in the delivery room, awaiting the birth of their first child. the labor has been slow going, lasting for hours.
the wife, in great agony, asks the doctor, “can you do anything about the pain?”
“well,” says the doctor, "I’m hesitant to reccomend this, but there is an experimental device that can transfer the pains of birthing from the mother to the father by varying degrees.
“we’ve only just aquired this device, and have yet to test it under ‘field’ conditions. but if you sign a waiver, we can put it into operation for you two.”
the man replies, “whatever it takes. just help my wife, please.”
the doctor attaches some electrodes to the mother and explains that the pain is sent through the air. “this process can get pretty severe in a hurry. how much do you think you can handle?” asks the doctor. bracing himself in his chair, the husband says, “give me twenty five percent!”
the doctor turns a dial, and the wife relaxes a little. the husband releaces his grip on the armrests, saying, “that’s not so bad.”
a while later the wife is again in great pain. the husband says, “give me fifty percent of her pain!”. the doctor turns the dial a bit more. the wife relaxes yet more and the husband, who is clearly unfazed, says again, “that’s not so bad.”
as hard labor begins, the wife screams in obvious agony. she pleads to her husband to take more of the pain. “give me ALL of her pain!” says the husband, and the doctor turns the dial all the way. the wife relaxes and has the baby with ease. the husband survives the procedure no worse for wear. the assembled physicians hail the machine as a wonder of modern science.
everything goes well for the family, until they bring the baby home and find the mailman dead on the lawn.
the foreign legion transferred a captain to a new command in the desert. during the tour of his new command, the captain notices an old camel hitched to a post with a stepping stool nearby. he asks the sergeant showing him around what the camel is kept there for.
“well sir,” the sergeant says, “as you know, we have 250 men on this base, and no women. and, sir, somethimes the men have…urges. that’s why we have the camel, sir.”
the captain says, “i can’t say i condone this, but i do understand about urges, so the camel can stay.”
about a month later the captain starts having trouble with his own urges, and he asks the sergeant to bring the camel to his own tent. pulling a stool behind the camel, the captain stands up upon it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel.
when he’s done, he asks the sergeant, “is that how the men do it?”.
“uh, no sir,” replies the sergeant, " generally they just ride it into town."