Good Jokes

In My Humble Opinion
101

First off, this one is a good a reason as any not to adopt the Single European Currency:

Q. Did you hear about the Gay French Butcher?

A. He put his meat up two Francs.

Now I’ve warmed the audience up…

A man is driving his Open Topped Roadster down the road when he sees an absolutley stunning woman by the side of the road, thumb out. Being the Gentleman he is, he decides to stop and see if she’s wants a lift.
She jumps in and asks: “Ooooh, is this a fast car? Speed turns me ON!!”
His reply (sensing his luck is in) is simple, jamming his foot down he accelerates up to the speed limit.
The woman screams her obvious pleasure at the increased velocity, and in the process loosens her clothing. The man notices this and stamps on the accelerator more firmly, glueing it to the floor. With this the woman is now ripping the clothing from her body, throwing them to the wind.
“Oh My GOD! The feeling of speed!”, cries the now maked woman, turning to the man, “I want you now!”

The man, now oblivious to the road, his eyes are now on the passenger with envitable results. The car crashes, rolls and ends up in a field. The hitchhiker is unharmed, thrown clear, runs up to the wreck to see if she can help.

“Oh, God. Are you okay?”, she asks.

“Get help, <groan>” he replies,

“But I’m naked!!”

He thinks for a moment. “Look, take my shoe off and tie it around your waist, then get help”

She takes the shoe and does as he suggested, and flags down a Police Car just down the road.

“Help, help!”, she screams to the officer, “You have to help my boyfriend, he’s trapped and can’t get out!”

The officer takes one look at the boot, and replies, “I think he’s too far gone luv”
And Finally…

Q. What’s blue and fucks old ladies?

A. Hypothermia

Please, just don’t chuck the rotten fruit…

102

Q–What do you get if you turn a blonde woman upside down?

A–A brunette with bad breadth!

Q-- What do you get if you turn 3 blonde women upside down?

A-- Two brunettes and a readhead!

And now for something different:

A 10 year old boy and a 10 year old girl are playing “doctor” in the woods. They’re staring at each others bodies when the little girl asks: “Whats THAT?”

Boy: “Its my straw and balloon”

Girl: “Hmm, can I blow it up?”

Boy: “Forget that, you already busted yours!”

And finally:
A bear and a bunny are taking a shit in the woods, side by side. The bear asks the bunny: “Do you have any problems with little bits sticking to your fur when your done?”

Bunny: “No.”

Bear: “Thats great!” as he picks up the bunny to whipe his ass.

You’ve been a great audience, good night!

103

All right, I think that I’ll jump in with this one:

The scene is a fundamentalist church service. The preacher is well into his sermon and building up a great head of steam. He holds a clear pitcher of water up in the air and thunders, “What is the most powerful stuff in the world? I’ll tell you what it is…it’s holy water. Why one drop of this on a pregnant ladies stomach and she’ll pass a baby!!”

After the service little 9 year old Johnny goes up to the preacher and says, "You’re wrong about that water. You’re surely wrong! Turpentine is the most powerfull stuff in the world.

“Why is that Johnny?” asked the preacher.

Cause you put one drop of turpentine on a dogs ass and he’ll pass a motorcycle!"

104

A Scottish guy in the Highlands is in love with a young lady who lives across the loch. He decides to make himself a “courting kilt” and wear it over to her house and ask her out on a date.

He goes into a store and says to the shopkeeper “Sell me 9 yards of fabric to make me a bonny courting kilt.” The shopkeeper says “Well, I’ve only got 13 yards on the bolt, you’ll have to buy the whole thing. Maybe ye can make a scarf for the lassie.” So the Scotsman buys the whole bolt and takes it home.

He works on the courting kilt all day, and is so excited when he finishes it that he doesn’t even bother with the scarf, he just leaves it on the table. He runs across the hills over to the girl’s house. While he’s running, a thread from the kilt attaches to a thistle and the kilt starts to unravel. He doesn’t even notice, but by the time he gets to the girl’s house, the kilt is completely gone.

He knocks on her door. She answers, turns bright red and says “Oh my.” He says “What do ye think of that, lass?” She says “Oh, uh, very nice.”

“Aye! An’ I got 4 more yards at home to wrap around yer neck!”

105

A little old man goes to see his doctor for his annual physical.

Dr: Are you experiencing any health problems since your last physical?

LOM: Well, doc, I’ve been having these silent gas emissions for a while now. Last week I was in the library and I had a couple silent gas emissions.
A few days ago, as I was sitting in church, I must have had about 5 silent gas emissions.
It seems to be getting worse every day. Why just since I’ve been here in your office, I’ve already had 3 silent gas emissions. What do you think we should do about this?

Dr: Well, the first thing we’re going to do is check your hearing!

106

no one’s doing nun jokes anymore! i think i’ll stick one in… this one’s kinda long, but worthwhile… evil grin

it was friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local catholic church to ask for the weekend off. they argued back and forth for a few minutes, but finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. “However”, he said, “as soon as you get back monday morning, i want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend.” the four nuns agree, and run off.

monday comes, and the four nuns return. the first nun goes to the priest and says, “forgive me father for i have sinned. i watched an R-rated movie.” the priest looks up at the heavens for a few seconds, then replies, “you are forgiven. go and drink the holy water.” the first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

the second nun goes up to the priest and says, “forgive me father for i have sinned. i drove my brother’s car and accidentally hit a neighbor’s dog and killed it.” the priest looks up to the heavens for a minute, then says, “you are forgiven. go and drink the holy water.” the second nun goes out, and the fourth nun starts laughing audibly.

the third nun goes up to the priest and says, “forgive me father for i have sinned. i ran naked up and down main street last night.” the priest looked up to the heavens for a full five minutes before responding, “you are forgiven. go and drinkt he holy water.” she leaves, and the fourth nun falls to the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.

the priest asks her, rather annoyed, “what the hell is so funny?!” the fourth nun replies, “I PEED in the holy water…”

lol :smiley:

107

Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, “I’m so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison.” He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.

The second mouse replies, “That’s nothing. I’m so tough I run through mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed trapwire.” he slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse.

The third mouse slams down his tequila, slid off his stool and begins walking away from the bar.

The other mice scream, “Hey, SoftCock,where do you think you’re going?!!”

The third mouse replies, “Home to shag the cat.”

[sub]PS loved the casino one[/sub]

108

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the same side.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; the hard part is getting them into the lightbulb.

Why do Scotsmen have long thin penises?
Because they’re tight-fisted wankers.

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that that wasn’t the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

“How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

“Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

An English Doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital and at the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
“Fair fa’ yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race! Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace as lang’s my arm.”

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:
“Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit.”

And suddenly the next patient sits up and declaims:
“Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi’ bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi’ murdering prattle!”

"Well, said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.”
“Nay, nay,” the Scottish doctor corrected him, “This is the Serious Burns Unit.”

And finally:

A troop of French Foreign Legionnaires were marching through the desert. They had been marching for days, their water supply had run out, and they were on the brink of collapse.

And then suddenly, as they staggered over the crest of a large sand dune, they came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a marketplace, spread out over the desert. Rows of colourful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze.

The legionnaires were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, they ran down the dune to the market.

Arriving at the first stall, they begged the stall-holder for water.

“I’m sorry,” says the stall-holder, “all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping.”

Not to be deterred, the troops move on to the next stall, pleading for water.

“Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge,” says the man behind the counter.

The legionnaires move on, but as they look down the rows of stalls, they can see that every single stall is selling exactly the same thing, and as they move along, asking for water, they get the same response every time.

Finally, one of the stall-holders takes pity on them, and tells them about an oasis not far away, so they leave the market, and head for the oasis.

As they’re leaving, one of the legionnaires turns to his partner, and says…

“Hmmmm. That was a trifle bazaar.”

109

Some of my favorites were already taken, so I’ll step up with a quickie that was almost done before:

How many surealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two: One to screw it in, and one to fill the bathtub with colorful hand tools.

:smiley: :smiley: :smiley: