The bad news is, you met him in a dark alley in a bad part of town, and he turned out to be a homicidal maniac.
The good news is, you’ve finally finished memorizing Moby Dick.
The bad news is, Starbucks is killing everyone who knows where they got their name from.
The good news is, you’re hosting SNL…
The bad news is the musical guest is Debbie Boone and they’re giving her about half the show.
The good news is you don’t have to go to her rehearsals…
The bad news is, you have to give Lorne Michaels piggy-back rides instead.
The good news is, Debby Boone backed out at the last minute…
The bad news is, the tuna is taking you to civil court for emotional damages.
The good news is, you know the judge.
The bad news is the judge knows you, backslider.
Bad news - You have been banned from selling cucumbers outside the nunnery.
Good news is your vibrator business is going great!!
The bad news is monkeys are everywhere!
The bad news monkeys are everywhere.
The good news is you have a lot of teeny weeny little caps and vests to dress them in.
The bad new is, they have lots of great big caps and vests to dress YOU in.
The good news is, you look great in sequins.
The bad news is, the monkeys think so too, and put you on display in a human zoo.
The good news is, they let you pick an attractive celebrity of your choice to mate with.
The bad news is, you also have to mate with a has-been from the 1970’s.
The good news is, there’s plenty of fudge…
The bad news is…just out of reach.
The good news is the “Has-been” is Farah Fawcett
THe bad news, the fudge has exlax in it.
The good news is, your stock portfolio is going through the roof.
The bad news is, the roof it’s going through is your own as it plummets like a frozen turkey. dropped from a helicopter.
The good news is, you’ve been thinking about putting in a skylight anyway…
The bad news is, it’s on your computer and that literally just went through the roof when your son made his cherry bomb just a little too big.
The good news is you wanted a sun roof.
the bad news is you now have sun cancer on your head.
The good news is it is responding to treatment
The bad news is it’s responding by saying “What? hunh?”
The good news is the News of the World is willing to pay big bucks for the story of the talking tumor.
the bad news is the tumor has its own agent now and is suddenly too good to be seen with you
The good news is the agent is ripping the tumor off like crazy
The bad news is the tumor won’t stop bitching about it’s agents fees.
The good news is, pretty soon the agent goes to far and literally rips it off.
The bad news the tumor is being ripped off your head and it hurts like a motherfucker.
The good news is that for the first time in your life you’re getting a break.