The bad news is, it’s a break in your femur.
The good news is, Angelina Jolie finally returned your phone call.
The bad news is, she wants to come over with her new bf, Nic Cage.
The good news is they’re going to bring along Lisa Marie, Michael, and Billy Bob, and you can find out the Straight Dope on all that insanity for the Ultimate Cafe Society Thread.
The bad news is that no one will take you seriously and when you try to prove it they will all hit you with a law suit for invasion of privacy.
The good news is Johnny “the man” Cochrane is defending you.
the bad news is the glove fits
the good news is you’ll be acquitted
The bad news is that to be aquitted you’ll have to perform oral sex on the Judge and jury.
The good news is that some of the jury look pretty hot.
The bad news is they’re hot because of the lava.
The good news is the RIAA canceled their suit against you.
The bad news is you’ve already swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
The good news is you’ve saved a lot of money by switching your insurance to GEICO.
The bad news is, to get optimum coverage for minimum payments, you had to become that damn lizard’s love slave.
The good news is, you’ve found a legitimate get rich quick scheme that really works.
The bad news is that eBay is staring to crack down on people selling kidneys.
The good news is that you’ve found a shady character who’ll take them off your hands for a reasonable price.
The bad news is, you wake up in a tub full of ice with a note written on the mirror telling you to seek medical help. Thus you make an urban legend true.
The good news is, you get your name in the paper.
The bad news it’s the Enquirer and its a feature of you and Roseanne Barr Arnold- NAKED!
The good news you get a Playboy centerfold offer and an ABC sitcom named after you!
The bad news is that the sitcom is called “That Lying, Good for Nothing, Cheating Asshat”
The good news is that all of your co-stars have to appear nude.
The bad news is your co-stars are the Golden Girls and Subway’s Jared before he lost the weight.
The good news is you can eat at Subway for free.
The bad news is that all they serve is sawdust.
The good news is that the cashier is giving you the eye.
The bad news is that the cashier is Jeffery Dahmer and he’s literally giving you an eye.
The good news is that the eye is on sale, and a great price.
The bad news is that you seem to have misplaced your wallet.
The good news is that you are pretty sure where you last saw it.
The bad news is that where you saw it was in the polar bear tank at the zoo.
The good news is that the zookeeper has offered to get it for you.
The bad news is the zookeeper wants to spend a night with your wife in exchange.
The good news is, your wife’s okay with that.
The bad news is it will just be for one night.
The good news is she fell in love with the polar bears and decided to bunk down with them at the zoo.
The bad news is you get to keep the kids
The BAD news is you have just pushased the 666th edition of the Bible.