The bad news is your friends are Anna Nicole Smith and David Arquette.
The good news is you’re getting a raise.
The bad news is it’s 10 Mexican Pesos.
The good news is your feet are sore from dancing, and the trivia night is only half way through.
The bad news is that the trivia is all about Mike Tyson.
The good news is that you’re winning.
The bad news is he wants to meet the person who knows all these details about him.
The good news is he’s flattered, not creeped out.
The bad news is, he’s so flattered, he wants to… oh, you know the rest. It involves a hotel room.
The good news is, you can fly.
The bad news is you only have this power when you’re wearing nothing but a cooking apron.
The good news is you have heat vision
The bad news is, everybody else has X-Ray vision and they can see that you have a pair of socks stuffed in your underpants.
The good news is, the dizziness is just a temporary side-effect.
The bad news: …of having your brain replaced with a moldy turnip.
The good news: Niezsche was apparently wrong.
The bad news is: God’s actually a little TOO lively. Hence the earthquakes, tornados, landslides and the plague of locusts you’ve encountered this week. And it’s only Monday.
The good news is: cabbage is good for you.
The bad news is you are allergic to it.
The good news is that rash finally cleared up.
The bad news is it cleared up thanks to one of those drugs with 150 side effects.
The good news is the hooker returned your car.
The bad news is she kept the engine, tires, and steering wheel.
The good news is you’re being promoted.
The bad news is that it’s in Siberia.
The good news is you’ll triple your salary.
The bad news is, your expenses will quadruple.
The good news is, your health insurance will cover a vasectomy.
The bad news is the 3*0 is still 0
The good news is your tests came back negative.
The bad news is, your wife’s knife has other plans.
The good news is, doctors can work wonders with surgery now.
The bad news is, she refuses to tell where she hid your ‘boys’.
The good news is, your 'rhoids are finally clearing up!
The bad news is, you’re a disembodied brain floating in a jar full of nutrative fluid, so it doesn’t make much difference to you.
The good news is, the beeping smoke detector was a false alarm.
The bad news: The beeping C02 detector was not.
The good news: The ambulance is on its way …
The bad news: to the other side of town, thanks to your dyslexic wife and her disjointed 911 call.
The good news: You’re surrounded by pretty women…