the good news is ducks cant shoot straight
The bad news is, the ducks’re using buckshot, so their aim doesn’t matter so much.
The really bad news is, the rabbits are using humanshot.
The good news is, you’re in a bear suit.
The bad news is, the bear has retained very good counsel, and seeks punitive damages.
The good news is, OJ swears you were with him in Beverly Hills at the time.
The bad news is, he’s brought along Kato to serve as a character witness.
The good news is, it’s the “real” Kato, and you’re going to get to meet the Green Hornet!
The bad news is, you forgot your autograph book.
The good news is, you stole a legal notepad from the prosecution, and he can sign that…
The bad news is, it’s illegal to steal legal notepads from the prosecution, and you’ll be prosecuted for that, too.
The good news is, you’ll be defended by the “Nightmare Team” of Chocolate Cake, Tony Donuts, and the Piranha Borthers. Hope you like jail food.
The bad news is, you won’t eat jail food for long, as they’ve sentenced you to hang.
The good news is, dying will soon be back in style…
The bad news is, it’s in style with the black-clad trendoids on Queen Street West.
The good news is, you’ve always been a trucker-cap-and-flannel sort of person.
The bad news is, flannel is now trendy.
The good news is, the execution will be over before the trendoids can jack up the rent of your flannel-based rural lifestyle.
The bad news is that the method of execution is death by rusty grapefruit spoon.
The good news is that your gorgeous, hard-bodied, insatiable lover is here, and has just iced a delicious cake that’s they plan to feed to you by hand while you lie naked in the hot tub…
The bad news is, they’ll be using the spoon while you’re in the hot tub.
The good news is, Captain Kangaroo has come…
The bad news is, he’s got a thing for Mr. Green Jeans, and they join you in the hot tub.
The good news is, the cake was laced with barbituates, and you fall into an uneasy slumber and do not witness their shameless cavorting.
The bad news is, you’re going to drown!
The good news is, it sure beats what was planned…
The bad news is, “Beat It” is playing in the background.
The good news is, that rouses you enough to groggily demand “take that shit off,” saving you from a watery death.
The bad news is, they’re getting out the spoon.
The good news is, there’s no hack composer to rhyme it with “moon” or “June”.
The bad news is, they’ve also gotten out the salad tongs.
The good news is, at least you don’t see any of the Thousand Islands dressing yet.
The bad news is, there’s a big honkin’ vat of Creamy Italian being wheeled up as we speak.
The good news is, Foghorn Leghorn is the one wheeling it up, and he just tipped you a big ol’ wink.
The bad news is, he’s planning to claw your eyes out.
The good news is, Senator Claghorne from “The Fred Allen Show” has come by, and he has a long-standing vendetta against Foghorn…
The bad news is, they’ve decided to argue about it after you’ve been disposed of.
The good news is, you’ve awakened, found your salad shooters, and with a mighty barrage of cucumbers and cabbage, you’re heading back to the dimension from whence this page came.
The bad news is, this page is pissed off about the intrusion and has decided to hogtie you and leave you at Camp Crystal Lake.
The sorta good news is that you’re a virgin, and horror-movie killers don’t normally go for those.
The bad news is, there’s no rule against them taking your virginity first, and your life later.
The good news is, Senator Claghorne followed you from the last riff…