The bad news is, he’s the one who’s been nominated to take your virginity.
The good news is, he’s easily distracted when you say “oh, look, shiny!” and point off to one side…
The bad news is, the shiny thing is a chrome plated vibrator so big that Barry Bonds couldn’t swing it.
The good news is, Senator Claghorne is a staunch believer in “Made in the USA” and won’t use an imported sex toy.
The bad news is, the vibrator was made by middle-aged Bible-toting Americans in a factory on the outskirts of Provo, Utah.
The good news is, it’s being marketed as an import, so no-one knows where it really came from.
The bad news is, the Senator has a good idea of where it’s going.
The good news is, you’re wearing clean underwear.
The bad news is, you’ll end up s—ing in your pants anyway once this is stuck in.
The good news is, you’re not afraid of this, as no one you know will see that…
The bad news is, rumors spread quickly, so everyone will find out.
The good news is, your reputation was ruined long ago.
The bad news is, parts of you haven’t been ruined, and you’d like to keep them that way.
The good news is, CNN will pay big money for the rights.
The bad news is, the money is being offered to Senator Claghorn.
The good news is, he’s hired you to head his campaign in the New Hampshire primary…
The bad news is, you, he, and sundry others are stuck in a dimension far from New Hampshire, and he’s blaming you for it.
The good news is, in this dimension the cartoon laws of physics hold.
The bad news is, there’s no way to get out using cartoon physics.
The good news is, Senator Claghorn has just been offered the post of Secretary of Defense…
The bad news is, it’s just a cheap ploy to get him down into Cheney’s bunker.
The good news is, Cheney has TiVo!
The bad news is, Ashcroft and others have censored what Cheney can watch, so he’s stuck with The Weather Channel and reruns of Mayberry RFD.
The good news is, some of the ladies on TWC are cute.
The bad news is, the TiVo only records old episodes of “Perfect Strangers”.
The good news is, you’re in love with Balki Bartokomous.
The bad news is, you can’t spell Balki Bartokomous.
The good news is, it doesn’t matter. Balki can’t read.
The bad news is, it’s time for him to learn.
The good news is, Bernie Epton will help him…
The bad news is, you have no idea who Bernie Epton is.
The really bad news is, Chocolate Cake and Tony Donuts will be very happy to teach you.
The good news is, neither of them speak Balki’s language.
The bad news is, injuries are a kind of a universial langage.
The good news is, Mr. Eat-It-All has come over, and he likes Cake and Donuts…
The bad news is, Mr. Eat-It-All likes more than just Cake and Donuts.
The good news is, what with the cartoon physics and all, you can escape from Mr. Eat-It-All’s stomach.
The bad news is, in addition to cartoon physics Mr. Eat-It-All’s stomach and digestive system are also bound by explosive cartoon metabolism. And he has to go.
The good news is, flying around on a dookie doing 500 mph totally gets you laid.
The bad news is, that’s “laid” as a tile floor gets laid, not as George Clooney gets laid.
The good news is, it’s very expensive glass tile in a really gorgeous shade of blue-green.