The bad news is, so’s his alter ego.
The good news is, Bob Dylan would have been even less helpful…
The bad news is, Dylan is currently trying to explain your situation to the cops who’ve come to arrest you.
The good news is, OJ wants to pay your bail so you can help him find the real killers.
The bad news is, he wants you to drive the Bronco.
The good news is, you’ll be on TV!
The bad news is, the broadcast is seen by Chocolate Cake, Tony Donuts, and the 9 foot tall superintelligent cats, so they all know where you are!
The good news is, The Piranha Borthers missed the broadcast.
The bad news is it’s America’s Most Wanted
The good news is Robert Shapiro will now be your lawyer.
Oh, not quick enough
<off> It still works, Svt4Him. 
</off>
The bad news is, you have no idea who Robert Shapiro is.
The good news is, the cops can’t arrest you anyways because you’re thirty times taller than them.
The bad news is, their miniature 1920’s-style “Death Rays” sting like a bastard.
The good news is, you’re fairly confident you can hide from them.
The bad news is, you’re favorite hiding place is being used by Osama.
The good news is, he’s willing to share his blanket.
The bad news is, you’re thirty times taller than Osama as well, so the blanket isn’t going to cover much.
The good news is, the CIA has offered you money to roll over on him in your sleep.
The bad news is, the CIA will only pay you in pesos.
The good news is, you can buy lots perro con queso with that kinda’ cash. (mmmm. perro con queso…)
The bad news is, the Taco Bell Chihuahua seems to be taking your fondness for perro con queso personally.
The good news is, you’re proportionally 30x larger than the freakin’ Chihuahua, so you can squash that annoying little animal like a bug.
The bad news is, you’ll never find shoes that fit.
The really bad news is, you’ll have worse luck finding a date.
The good news is, when the 300 foot tall Jesus predicted by the National Enquirer arrives, you’ll have someone to chat with.
The bad news is, the 300-foot-tall Jesus is currently being built by NASA and Disney Special Licensing under a contract to the Southern Baptist Fundamentalist University and Prayer Lounge, Inc.
The good news is, Jesus II is under budget.
The bad news is, a wandering holy man with few followers but an amazing rep has denounced the Jesus II project for ‘excessive neo-Phariseeism’.
The other bad news is, nobody on the project can figure out what that means.
The good news is, everyone on the project is paying union scale.
The bad news is, they’re being paid with union scales.
The good news is, you like everything in balance…
The bad news is it’s nothing is in balance.
The good news is if you twist your head 22 degrees to the right, it looks balanced
The bad news is you’ve got a stiff neck.
The good news is, at least its stuck in a position so you can watch TV.
The bad news is, the TV is stuck on a channel showing nothing but infomercials.
The good news is, you can buy a gadget that dices vegetables and shaves your cat, too! for only $39.99! Just call now!
The bad news is, the line is busy.
The good news is, while sitting there hitting “redial,” you notice that the shipping is a mere $347.50, and manage to hang up before the call goes through.
The bad news is, now you’ve got this irresistable urge to make salad and shave your…umm…cat. :o
The good news is, kitty likes it!