The bad news is, by shaving your cat this makes you Dr. Evil!
The good news is, the one…million…dollars…!
The bad news is, it’s all in pennies.
The good news is, you have a forklift.
The bad news is, it’s really a eating disorder.
The good news is, Horace is very happy.
The bad news is, Horace has migrated from your lower intestine and is considering taking up permanent residence in your left nostril.
The good news is, this should reduce by half your odious nose-picking proclivities.
The bad news is, the other half of my odious nose-picking proclivities produces gushing nose bleeds.
The good news is, I am now a four-dimensional vegetarian. I don’t eat anything with a shadow.
The bad news is, shadows are now attempting to eat me.
The good news is, this is my chance to test my brand new Megawatt Ultra-Luminary Super Halogen Illumination Device Supreme Deluxe[sup]TM[/sup], which can, on its ‘low’ setting, light up the dark side of the moon.
The bad news is, if you do that, Roger Walters will shove you into a box and mail you to Mali.
The good news is, when in Mali, you can visit your dear Uncle Herbert…
The bad news is he’s been dead for three years
The good news is Aunt Ruth shaved for the occasion.
The bad news is, she left the goatee.
The good news is, her coworkers at the circus have provided a very warm welcome – and in fact have offered you a job.
The bad news is, it’s as the new Bearded Lady, which means you’ll need surgery.
The good news is, at least they have decent medical, so the surgery is free.
The bad news is, anesthesia isn’t covered.
The good news is, a hammer to the head is free.
The bad news is, there are so many people wanting to administer the treatment to you that they’ve drawn lots to decide who goes first.
The good news is, after the first short, sharp shock, you won’t feel a thing.
The bad news is, that’s for the rest of your life.
The good news is, it could be worse…
The bad news is, only if the first five or six hammerers are too weak to knock you all the way out… which… looks… to… be… the… way… it’s… shaping… up.
The good news is, at least you have most of a 40 oz. bottle of Colt .45.
The bad news is once you have smashed open the bottle and retrieved the hunk of gun-metal you will still need to find a smelting works to shape it into a gun for you.
The good news is the Colt Co. have been raking it in ever since they launched their " Ass-Cappin Construction kit. "
The bad news is, walking around with your ass capped is really… awkward.
The good news is, you can still sit down in the bandages.
The bad news is once you’re down, you can’t get up.
The good news is you’ll finally be able to shout “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” and mean it.
The bad news is, the Piranha Borthers, Chocolate Cake, the mutant alient shaped like a stick, et al., have gathered around to laugh at the sight of you being unable to get up.
The good news is, they’re all laughing so hard you have a chance to roll away and escape.
The bad news is, while rolling, you roll off a cliff and fall through another one of those pesky transdimensional gateways.
The good news is, you land on The Planet Of Foam Rubber Mountains.
The bad news is, you don’t land on a mountain.
The good news is, you bounce anyways.
The bad news is, the Tempur-Pedic people are there, harvesting the Foam Rubber Mountains for their Space Age Bedding Material ™ and they’ve got a lot of sharp cutting objects moving around quickly, which is (as if you couldn’t tell) bad news for a poor, uncontrollably bouncing bastard like yourself.
The good news is, one of them inadvertetly slices the cap off your ass.