The good news is, they’re armed with killer smiles and fatal fatuousness.
The bad news is, en masse, with Wink Martindale in the lead, those killer smiles really can kill.
The good news is that you are armed with the secret knowledge that Wink Martindale had an illicit love affair with the Tic Tac Dough dragon.
The bad news is that you found this out during your affair with that dragon…
The good news is, affairs with dragons leave indelible impressions.
The bad news is, such impressions aren’t always fatal.
The really bad news is that, for the last 15 or so posts, we had the thing in reverse, and now we’re all dizzy.
The somewhat bad news is that Wink isn’t the NSC head, Jaye P Morgan is, and She’s packing heat.
The good news is, due to all the goings in reverse, she can’t shoot straight…
(Dammit! That effin’ Pup! [sub]what, you want me to accept responsiblity for not noticing? I don’t think so.[/sub] Clearly s/he’s working for the NSC.)
The bad news is, the bullet is dizzy too, so even though she’s pointed the gun at Charles Nelson Reilly, the bullet is headed straight for you.
The good news is, you’re doubled over in laughter at one of Charley Weaver’s bon mots, and the bullet whizzes right over your head.
The bad news is, it hit Erich von Stroheim (who had come to rescue you for the fifth time) right in the spiked helmet, and he’s not pleased.
The good news is, he won’t nail your head to a coffee table, like the Piranha Borthers would…
The bad news is, his preferred punishment involves 174 angry and unwilling feral chihuahuas, a case of stale Orbitz drink, a mullet, and a toilet plunger.
The good news is, when it’s over, you’ll have a lot more fexibility on the job search, because you won’t have any pride left.
The bad news is, I didn’t want to be fexable, I wanted to be fezzable, but the Shriners wouldn’t have me. Ah, how I remember that night with LuLu in the Temple…
The good news is, without my pride or fez, my baggage is much lighter.
The bad news is, your baggage also doesn’t contain any weapons, and you now have Conrad Veidt, Erich von Stroheim, your first-grade teacher, the people who think they are the NSC, the people who are the NSC, the Pirahna Borthers, Chocolate Cake, various aliens, the Brighton Beach Mafia, and French knights all out to get you.
The good news is, due to the largeness of that crowd, your are now spotable by police helicopters, and, therefore, are on TV…
The bad news is, you’re pretty much hemmed in by the crowd.
The good news is, there’s a white Ford Bronco with the keys in the ignition, just off to your left.
The bad news is, you don’t know how to drive.
The good news is, those hip young novelists of the 1980’s that disappeared at the end of that decade might be willing to drive you…
The bad news is, do you REALLY want Bret Easton Eliis driving you anywhere?
The good news is, Clint Howard has a lead foot, and he’ll do anything for the cameras. ANYTHING.
(sorry about the mishap before, especially when I think I called somebody else out on it on page 7 or so.)
The bad news is, ‘doing anything’ involves using you as a prop.
The good news is, it’s experience you can’t get anywhere else.
The bad news is, it’s also experience you can’t use anywhere else.
The good news is, your first-grade teacher just caught up with the rest of the pack, and she’s set them all to writing “I will not be mean to [insert your name here] any more” 1000 times each.
The bad news is, she saw you chewing gum, and is making you write “I will not chew gum” 2000 times.
The good news is, you’re still in Tama Janowitz’s flatbed…
The bad news is, so’s Tama’s boyfriend.
The good news is, if you survive, you’ll be able to write a kickass tell-all exposé.
The bad news is twofold: firstly, this will also interest Tama’s husband of over a decade, and, secondly, who cares enough about Tama Janowitz to want to publish it?
The good news is, in all the chaos, your first-grade teacher had a fatal heart attack…
The bad news is, now she’s a flesh-eating zombie.
The good news is, you’ve got your track shoes on, and can outrun any horror-move villain.
The bad news: She can fly.
The good news: You have a shot gun.
The bad news is, she’s put the horror-move on you, and your speed is now similar to that of drying paint on a humid day.
The good news is, parts of you are invisible, depending on the time of day.