the bad news is he really really likes Michael Bolton.
The good news is, you have a raging ear infection and are practically deaf
The bad news is he knows this so he turns it up loud enough to torture you with it and subsequently blow out your speakers.
The good news is you work for the audio equipment factory…
The bad news is, you can only tell he’s nearby if you can hear him.
The good news is, you’re not under indictment for bank fraud…
The bad news is, you load the boxes of audio equipment onto trucks.
The good news is, another dinner guest offers to fix it…
The bad news is the dinner guest has prosthetic hands.
The good news is you’ve just won a bet for $100 that you can eat your beer glass.
The bad news is, now you’re bleeding profusely from the throat.
The good news is your neighbor is a surgeon
The bad news is, the neighbor’s a dental surgeon.
The good news is, you’re a contestant on a nationally broadcast talent show…
The bad news is, your talent consists of an armpit version of “Flight of the Bumblebee.”
The good news is you come in third…
The bad news is, your prize is to become the slave of the panelists.
The good news is, none of the panelists are ugly or fat…
The bad news is they won’t let you go to Africa for holidays.
The good news is you’ll save money staying at home and still go on an “African Safari” by placing a mane on your dogs and cats and taking photos of them through a zoom lens from the front seat of your parked car.
The bad news is you can’t spend it at the prison commissary.
The good news is you have extra stamps.
The bad news is “stamps” is the local mafias nickname for a kneecapping.
The good news is your band finally got a gig to play.
The bad news is your playing at a Maximum Security Prison.
The good news is your pen-pal “Mimi”, a transgender biker, is there to cheer you on.
The bad news is your pen-pal “Mimi”, a transgender biker, is there to cheer you on.
The good news is you that before going to prison you installed a Cockblocker 6000
The bad news is Mimi wants you bad.
The good news is Snake in Cellblock “B” has his eye on Mimi.
The bad news is Mimi has his eye on you.
The good news is you’ve discovered beer contains a lot of calories…but you can burn them off by running to the fridge.
The bad news is you’ve discovered beer causes you to grow a third nipple. On your forehead.
The good news is you stopped smoking.
The bad news is the lubricant you used gave you a rash.
The good news is you’ve been picked to star in a Survivor type TV show called Elvis Lives, where you join nine other Elvis impersonators on a tropical island.
The bad news is, you’re the worst of the ten and get voted of the island.
The good news is, you get to do the Letterman Show.
The bad news is you’re only a guest because you amputated your own arm while stuck on a mountain.
The good news is you won the office betting pool.