GREAT SEX IN A BOTTLE !!
So it’s 6:37 on a Sunday morning. I’m up because my new cat and I haven’t come to an agreement about where he’s gonna sleep: Shadow wants to sleep ON my face. I want him to sleep anywhere else. Especially since he kneeds his paws in his sleep. Ow.
Anyway, I stumble to the computer and check my e-mail. And what do I see?
GREAT SEX IN A BOTTLE !!!
All caps and too many exclamation points. This will, most likely, not be good.
I try to consider any way this could be legit. I think “Is this in regards to the query about absinthe that I posted a few weeks back? A witty reference to the “Candy is dandy/but liquor is quicker” thing?” Alas. No. It’s spam. I read it anyway.
It begins:
It’s HOT, It’s a Solution, and It’s Guaranteed!
"How are they gonna ship it if it’s hot? In a thermos? and well, DUH. If it’s in a bottle it’s pretty obvious it’s a solution, not a solid.
And on that last one, “Guaranteed”, oh no. I’ve been doing tech support for far too long. You didn’t say “Guaranteed” to do anything. So if it doesn’t do whatever you haven’t promised you can say “Oh, it’s guaranteed to be wet.” and I get nothing!
Men and Women of all ages now have the Ultimate Solution!
To what? What are you talking about? The Ultimate Solution to LIFE, THE UNIVERSE and EVERYTHING? TO World Hunger? Be specific!
The #1 BEST SELLING 100% ALL NATURAL APHRODISIAC IN AMERICA!
Ah. Now it becomes clear.
Several points. Point the first:
Arsenic is ALL NATURAL. Cyanide is ALL NATURAL. My poop is ALL NATUR…well, maybe not my poop. But you get my point.
Point the second:
#1 BEST SELLING? As opposed to, what? The #7 best selling? Department of redundancy department.
Point the third:
Document it.
Do you want to improve your Sex Life?
Well, sure! Who doesn…
<macho voice>
Consarn it! Yuh cain’t improve on perfection! If Ah wuz any better in bed, Ah’d have uh Kama-Sutra position named after me!
</macho voice> (anyone ever notice how much Fenris’s <macho voice> sounds exactly like Yosemite Sam?)
Our product is an all Natural Herbal formula that is guaranteed to
increase your sexual performance!
Why does this sound like a shampoo commercial? (except for the “sexual performance” part?
ALL NEW LATHERIFIC shampoo! An all Natural Herbal formula 'specially designed to make your follicles get niiiice and haaaaaaard!
Again, it’s all natural so your body doesn’t get harmful side effects.
Again, like arsenic, curare, or cyanide?
**You’ll be “in the mood” more often and enjoy sex anywhere, anytime, and to the fullest extent. **
How can I be “in the mood” more often? I’m a guy fer cryin’ out loud! You can’t get more often than 100 freakin’ percent of the time. I have exactly 3 neurons that I use for breathing, eating and deficating. The rest is devoted to sex.
Our product can really put the spark right back in your relationship!
<sob> One must have a relationship, for a spark to be put back into it. <sob> Thanks for bringing up the anguish that is my life, dicknut.
**To learn more and to take advantage of our special offer visit our link below! **
So I went. And I’m hit with a message that said “I’ve had fantastic sex but this stuff made me feel like I had rockets shooting out everywhere…rockets!!!” and I’m thinking "I’ve had that feeling too, but only after the unfortunate accident with on the Fourth of July.
I read down further and find out that it can cure my PMS and Menopause as well as give me NATURALLY TRIGGEREd ERECTIONS (as opposed to, what? Radio controlled ones?)
Anyway, I’m not bothered by my PMS or Menopause, and if I think about sex more, I’ll probably die from lack of breathing. So, thanks, but no thanks!
Fenris
