My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
There’s no such thing as a soul. It’s just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogie Man or Michael Jackson.
Look at those poor saps back on land with their “laws” and “ethics”. They’ll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.
If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear-admiral!
Mr. Black: Now I must tell you kids that Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back, so he won’t be saying anything or doing anything.
Milhouse: Krusty looks fat…
Lisa: He’s really having trouble keeping his balance…
Ralph: He’s still funny, but not “ha ha” funny…
I’ve been scorched by Krusty before; I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins, my Krusty Kalculator didn’t have a seven or an eight, and Krusty’s autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he’s gone too far!
FBI man 1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson,at Terror Lake.Let’s just practice a bit, hmmmm? So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi.
Homer: Check!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [pause]
FBI man 1: Now, remember, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [FBI men stare at each other]
[hours pass by]
FBI man 1: [frustrated] Argh… Now when I say “Hello Mr. Thompson” and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
[stepping hard on Homer’s foot]
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]
Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he’s talking to you.
Grandpa Simpson: “I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks. Of course, folks were a lot tougher in those days. Why, I was jitter-bugging it up that very night!”
And a visual for us nerds 
Milhouse: “I just entered my name. Thrillhouse.” Then cut to a visual: THRILLHO
Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box
That was the one I was going to vote for!
After Marge aces the police shooting range:
Chief Wiggum: You missed the baby. You missed the blind man.
The Canine Mutiny (1997)
Groundskeeper Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt. And I 'ate him!
[raises a huge bone of meat]
Bart Simpson: [gasps]
Groundskeeper Willy: [tears meat off the bone] I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I ‘ate the way he’s always barkin’!
[tosses a bone behind him]
Groundskeeper Willy: So, I gave him to the church.
Bart Simpson: [relieved] Ohh, I see. You hate him, so you gave him to the church.
Groundskeeper Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug!
[Bart turns around, stares at Willy]
Groundskeeper Willy: Ya heard me!
As long as I’ve got my health, and my millions of dollars and my gold house and
my rocket car, I don’t need anything else.
Great lines from the Kamp Krusty episode - one of my all-time favorites! Here are a few more funny items from that ep, including one of the best Kent Brockman quotes:
While the kids at Kamp Krusty are starved and tormented, the counsellors sit down to a sumptuous meal:
Jimbo Jones: Yo, Mr. Black! Another brandy.
Mr. Black: Gentlemen, to evil.
Kent Brockman covering the Kamp Krusty mutiny led by Bart:
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.
One of the best products ever: Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel - 9 out of 10 orphans can’t tell the difference!
When it’s all over, Krusty promises to take the kids to “the happiest place on Earth,” which turns out to be Tijuana.
Speaking of Brockman, I think this is one of the best Simpsons quotes ever. It’s from Bart’s Comet. The U.S. Senate considers a bill to save the city of Springfield, but the bill is voted down after one senator adds a rider that would give millions of dollars in funding to “the perverted arts.”
Brockman: “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: democracy simply doesn’t work.”
Look out, Itchy – he’s IRISH!!
I loved that Moe had it ready to go, and instantly put it on the counter at the same time as Barney’s beer.
Another classic! Homer’s tone of outrage really sells it.
Some other favorites:
Homer: Ooo, floor pie!
Marge: You know how I feel about fake kidnappings!
Homer: STILL?
Homer (looking over DVDs at Rainier Wolfcastle’s garage sale): You got anything that’s not gay porn?
Wolfcastle (wearily): Just what you see on the shelf.
Mr. Burns: I need a partner, someone to help me with my big business comeback.
Lisa: Nothing evil!
Mr. Burns (pleased): That’s just the kind of fresh, outside-of-the-box thinking I’ve been looking for!
Apu (as a long line forms in his parking lot during some crisis): Patience, everyone, patience, please! You will all have the same opportunity to be gouged.
Homer: …and with the Internet and everything else nowadays, the kids practically raise themselves!
Always liked the sight gag for the International Brotherhood of Jazz Dancers, Pastry Chefs and Nuclear Technicians, Local 643, which showed a dancer holding a cupcake set against a hydrogen atom.
Lionel Hutz: Now Apu, Mrs. Simpson forgets that she was carrying that bottle of delicious bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors. What’s that? You want me to drink you? But I’m in the middle of a trial. Excuse me… [dials phone] Hello, David? I’m really tempted!
David Crosby: Just take it one day at a time. And know that I love you.
Hutz: I love you too, man.
Hutz: I’ll be defending you on the charge of [looks at case file] Murder One! Wow, even if I lose, I’ll be famous!
Hutz: I’ve studied law at some of the finest schools in the world. Harvard… Stanford… the Louvre…
Hutz: Now, Marge, there’s the truth, and then there’s… the truth. Take a look at these pictures of houses for sale. How about this one?
Marge: Well, it’s awfully small.
Hutz: I’d say… it’s cozy.
Marge: This one is a dump.
Hutz: A real fixer-upper!
Marge: This house is on fire!
Hutz: Motivated seller!
And who can forget the Canyonero (“…unexplained fires are a matter for the courts”)?: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6qpQzK2Rj4&feature=related
Hmmmm. I hadn’t noticed before, but I guess Lionel Hutz has been both a lawyer and a real estate agent? That’s quite a career transition.
“… Pure … West.”
For mine, the best quotes are the ones that imply a huge backstory, like the one above about Marge disliking fake kidnappings…Still?!
My favourite is when Homer is trying to get a gun out of a tree by throwing things at it. It falls to the ground and discharges, shooting him in the ass. Homer: “NOOO! Not the good cheek!”
Another from Lisa’s Pony.
Homer (to Marge): First you didn’t want me to get the pony. Now you want me to take it back! Make up your mind!
“It’s the Cadillac of automobiles!”