Inspired by this thread. Incompetent lawyer Hutz was a much less prominent character than burns, but I have many fond memories of Phil Hartmann.
HUTZ: Any calls?
SECRETARY: No.
HUTZ: I said, ANY CALLS?
SECRETARY: Oh . . . the Supreme Court called.
HUTZ: Tell them I’ll get back to them when I’m good and ready.
HUTZ: [pulls bottle of whiskey out of desk drawer] Belt?
MARGE: Mr. Hutz! It’s ten in the morning!
HUTZ: It’s all right! I haven’t slept for three days! [gulp, gulp, gulp]
“Here’s your pizza!”
“But we won the case.”
“That’s okay–the box is empty!”
Hutz gave me the line that keeps on giving: Get confident, stupid!
LH: “Uh oh. We’ve drawn Judge Sneider.”
Marge: “Is that bad?”
LH: “Well, he’s had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.”
Marge: “…you did?”
LH: “Well if you change ‘dog’ to ‘son’ and ‘kinda’ with ‘repeatedly’”
Same episode, in court:
LH: “Judge, I’d like to declare a bad. Trial. Thingy.”
JS: “You mean a mistrial?”
LH: “That’s why you’re the judge and I’m the law talking guy!”
I thought that was Troy McClure, in one of his many videos.
:smack: Son. Of. A. Bitch.
Okay, I can redeem this. Hutz gave me this gem that I enjoy fitting in wherever possible: “You’d be surprised how often that works, you really would!”
Free consultation**?**
No**!** Money Down**!**
Missed edit window…
“No, they got this all wrong.”
::scribbles::
Works on contingency**?**
No**,** money down**!**
“So you don’t work on a contingency basis?”
“No, money down! I should probably take that bar association number off there too.” ::tears it off, eats it::
Ha! That’s what I came in to nominate. Great joke.
“I’ve argued in front of every judge in this state- often as a lawyer!”
“Now Apu, Mrs. Simpson forgets that she was carrying that bottle of delicious bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors. What’s that? You want me to drink you? But I’m in the middle of a trial.”
“Can you imagine a world without lawyers?”
[Thought bubble opens depicting persons of various races, religions, and nationalities holding hands underneath a rainbow as a parody of “I’d Like To Buy The World A Coke” plays]
[horrified groan]
Hutz: “Your honor, I’d like to call for a…bad…court thingy.”
Judge: “A mistrial?”
Hutz: “Right, a mistrial! That’s why you’re the judge and I’m the law…talking guy.”
MARGE [on the witness stand in the family’s personal-injury case against Mr. Burns for running Bart down, pressed to give her impression of the plaintiffs’ medical witness, Dr. Nick Riviera]: Well, I was always taught that if you can’t say something nice about someone you shouldn’t say anything at all.
HOMER: [aside to Hutz]: Will that work?
HUTZ: Not a chance, I’ve tried it!
“I’ll be defending you on the charge of [looks at case file] Murder One! Wow, even if I lose, I’ll be famous!”
My favorite Lionel Hutz joke was when he was talking with Homer about a case and you could hear an ambulance pass by outside. Hutz automatically jumped out of his chair and started for the door before stopping himself and sitting back down to his consultation with Homer.
Hutz: Now Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims she forgot she was carrying that bottle of delicious bourbon…brownest of the brown liquors…what’s that? You want me to drink you? But I’m in the middle of a trial! Excuse me… [dials phone] Hello, David? I’m really tempted!
David Crosby: Just take it one day at a time. And know that I love you.
Hutz: I love you too, man.
Two from the same episode:
“This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against the movie The Neverending Story.”
and
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat?”
Judge: Mr. Hutz w’ve been in here for four hours. Do you have any evidence at all?
Hutz: Well, Your Honor, we’ve plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are kinds of evidence.
I actually use that one from time to time in conversation when I’m just guessing randomly about stuff.
They’re all watching the video taped will of one of Marge’s relatives.
The lady on the video then says something along the lines of: “I bequeath my entire estate to –horrible edit–Lionel Hutz…”
Marge: Mr. Hutz!
Hutz: (smiling and without a modicum of guilt) You’d be surprised at how often that works. You really would.
What a great character.
Such a loss.
If you replace “kinda” with “accidently” - then replace “accidently” with “repeatedly”…
Normally I wouldn’t pick such an inconsequential nit, but that’s my favorite Hutz line and I came in here to post that quote.
No, it was right the first time.
One of my favorites:
“How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don’t just make the office look good, they’re filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!”
Carp! Carp! Carp!
I knew I should’ve checked before correcting someone - but I was sure my memory was correct. Stupid grey matter!
::slinks off to a corner flog himself as punishment::