Mr Burns: Oh just used any open faced club simpson! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm open faced club sandwhich
Magic Shop
Weird owner: Beware this doll comes with a curse
Homer: Oh that’s bad!
W.O.: But it also comes with a frogurt
Homer: That’s good!
W.O.: The frogurt is also cursed
Homer: That’s bad!
W.O: But you get your choice of topping
Homer: That’s good!
W.O.: The toppings contain potassium benzonate
Homer: Blank Stare
W.O.: That’s bad
Marge: Homer, you are going to kill us all!
Homer: … or die trying.
“Kill the Alligator and Run” (11x19)
“I’ll get you beer baron!”
"No you won’t!
Cracks me up every single time.
Also:
“Ach! My retirement grease!”
I use this one a lot, especially when the waitress comes by to ask how the food is:
“Can’t talk. Eating.”
Homer: “Push her down son.”
“…Go Hell.”
When I was seventeen,
I drank some very good beer.
It was a very good beer,
That I bought with a fake ID.
My name was “Brian McGee,”
I stayed up listening to Queen,
When I was seventeen.
Homer is brought aboard Kang and Kodos’ spaceship. He sees them and says, “Well, I guess you want to probe me.” He takes down his pants and bends over.
Kang and Kodos recoil in disgust and one of them says, “Stop! We’ve reached the limit of what we can learn from rectal probing.”
Waiter at a Japanese restaurant is on the phone. “Hai… Hai…” turns to Simpsons “Hi.”
Homer is told he can’t have a gun immediately because there is a five day waiting period. “Five days?! But I’m mad now!”
Bart: We can say these swears any time we want because they’re in the Bible.
Milhouse: …I don’t think “Leviticus” is a swear.
Bart: Shut the hell up, you damn ass whore!
Homer: Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket.
Bart: And?
Homer: Let’s just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated. "
From one of the Halloween episodes; humanity throws away all its weapons and is invaded by aliens wielding clubs.
“Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!”
From the one where they visited Australia, the scenes with Homer fooling around at the entrance to the American embassy:
Homer: “Hey look! It’s one of those soldier guys who doesn’t do anything no matter what you do!” <starts making faces>
*<PUNCH!>
*
Guard: “No, SIR! U.S. Marines, SIR!”
Homer, who upon being told that embassy soil is legally American territory starts jumping in and out of the doorway:
Homer: “Hey look! I’m in America! Now I’m in Australia! Now I’m in America! Now I’m in Australia! Now I’m in Amer-”
<PUNCH!>
Guard: “We don’t take that kind of crap in America, SIR!”
Homer, finding out about the waiting period for purchasing a gun: “Five days? But I’m mad now!”
Me, seeing I was ninja’d by Mach Tuck: D’oh!
-D/a
"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."
“Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos!”
Homer: “Here are your messages: ‘You have thirty minutes to move your car.’ ‘You have ten minutes to move your car.’ ‘Your car has been impounded.’ ‘Your car has been crushed into a cube.’ ‘You have thirty minutes to move your cube.’”
[phone rings]
Burns: “Is it about my cube?”
What really makes it, though, is Burns’ increasingly angry facial expressions as Homer reads the messages.
How Krusty decided to endorse Kamp Krusty:
“They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I’m not made of stone!”
Homer: “It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.”
Two from Abe:
“I used to be with it. Then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now, what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what is ‘it’ I find weird and scary.”
and:
“Marge, you wouldn’t know how to have fun if you were a monkey on a banana boat.”
Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes.
Lisa: Dad, you can’t judge a place you’ve never been to.
Bart: Yeah, that’s what people do in Russia.
Homer: Singing is the lowest form of entertainment.
Marge: Homer, you sing all the time.
Homer: No I don’t, I hate to rhyme.
I hate every ape I see
From chimpan-a to chimpan-zee
Homer: Well, at least I liked it. Didn’t I?
Homer’s brain: Oh, you don’t want to know what I really think. Now look sad and say “D’oh”.
Homer: [sadly] D’oh…
Nobody snuggles with Max Power, Marge. You strap yourself in and feel the Gees.