That’s daft on so many levels. First, fuck him if he can’t date; he has a son. Second, as he himself laments, he should date better girls than bar floozies. Third, why would he even be interested in a woman who doesn’t give a damn (let alone even know) about his son? If it’s a woman he has to hide from his son, it’s the wrong woman. And finally, I don’t want to see him complaining later about his relations with his son, which is what he is building right now.
I think every situation is different. It sounds like you did the right thing. But the OP has described a situation in which his son expects to have weekend time with him on a regular basis. He even “apologized” repeatedly — though putting it out here doesn’t really constitute an apology to the son — so he knows he fucked up. He’s going to have to incorporate his son into his plans. He should be forced to do it because it’s an obligation to which he consented. But in this society, he must force himself or it won’t be done.
I’m with Shakes, too. The guy needs a piece of tail every once in a while. If he’s blowing off the kid MANY weekends, then it is a problem, but this was to be the first exciting weekend with a new chick. I don’t see a problem there.
And, he got the added benefit of learning she is an emotional psychotic who needed a “square peg” to stick in her round hole to soothe the pain of her ex leaving. Now that the ex is back, Shakes is no longer needed. Very important information learned…
Not the first, the hundredth. “I know I’ve told myself at least a hundred times I’m not going to get involved with women I meet at bars!” If he simply cannot discipline himself, why can’t he get his pieces of tail on week nights?
This is off-topic a bit, but it’s for the sake of the kids you don’t introduce them to people before you know if it’s a relationship that will last, not the sake of the guy or the woman. It’s upsetting and confusing for many kids to start to bond to someone who isn’t really going to be around next week. To start introducing a kid to dates before you even know if there will be a second date would be cruel to the kid.
No, that qualifies as stiff arming the kid in the face.
That’s a defensible point. I’m just saying that the reasoning doesn’t (or shouldn’t) start with the woman, but with the son.
I’m with you on that. As soon as I got to the whining about EVERY weekend I was like, whatever, dude, grow the fuck up and be a parent.
I don’t think he should never have weekend nights free; I just think he should plan for it so his kid isn’t left disappointed at the last minute, and not treat his kid like an inconvenience to be stood up whenever he pleases.
Liberal you really need to quit reading into shit too much. First off this girl does know I have a son and hell she’s even (semi) friends with my ex-wife. Her kid and my kids play together because they live in the same neighborhood.
This was basically the fuel for the conversation first time we met.
As Rascal’s Mom points out, it’s generally not a good idea to introduce your kids to potential mates until you know for sure what kind of person they’re going to be. Besides that, having kids around on the first date isn’t exactly ideal for most people. Sorry if you can’t grasp that concept.
My main feeling of guilt towards my son stems from: I felt like I probably should have went ahead and saw my son this weekend and then while he’s there let him know that next weekend I’m spending time with a new lady friend. (or some thing that effect.)
I’m also pissed at myself that every time I get involved with Ladies I meet up at the bar it almost always turns out badly. Yet I continue to do it anyway. I feel like I got fooled this time because this girl seemed like an intelligent well adjusted woman. She didn’t have any of the psycho markers that I normally know to stay away from.
Then when I went into the bar and she’s there with a group of other women; I was still giving her benefit of the doubt but my cautionary alert had already been set off. Then when she went from being all “touchy feely” to “sigh I still love my boyfriend” in a matter of seconds; all my bells and whistles went off and I knew it was time to abort mission.
Seriously Lib I really find it hard to believe that YOU believe the crap you’re spewing.
Okay. I think we actually agree. But I will say, I have sympathy for the OP. It can be crushingly lonely. And a babysitter now and again isn’t going to damage any otherwise well-adjusted child as long as the child has 100% of his attention the rest of the time. And I guess I am uncomfortable with anyone being judgmental of the OP. It sounds to me like this isn’t something he does often, or even ever, other than this one time. And he obviously is remorseful of the lost time.
This is TOTALLY unfair to the OP. “…an inconvenience to be stood up whenever he pleases”? Tell me where he has said he has done this.
I would like to know if you people that are slamming the OP have been through a divorce with kids involved. It sucks. It sucks on every single possible level you can imagine, and then a hundred more that you can’t imagine It is sad, it is lonely, it is devastating. The OP thought he had a good chance with this girl. He found out his judgment was off. Who of you haven’t shown bad judgment? He found out he was wrong and he is remorseful. Godallmighty. Cut the guy some slack.
He doesn’t sound remorseful to me. Just disapppointed he didn’t get laid.
It seems to me that some people in this thread just don’t have kids and don’t really understand the responsibility.
We can agree to disagree about the remorseful part.
That said, I do see a lot of selfish parents. My kids never even knew about potential dates. And now that they are grown, they both appear to have a healthy respect for me and my judgment. Their dad, on the other hand, has shown abysmal judgment, and they show a distinct lack of respect for him.
The kids should always come first. Always, always, always. But I still sympathize with the OP.
DTC Not all of us guys are all about the “pussy”
I know it’s easy to talk like a big shot on a message board so you can take this with a grain of salt if you like: Right now I have exactly FIVE unreturned voice mails on my phone by a girl who seriously wants to get laid by me. I know this because this is the ONLY reason she ever calls me.
I haven’t called her back because like I said before I’m trying to put those days behind me. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with those types of relationships, it’s just that, I’m tired of it myself. It doesn’t “do it” for me like it once did.
What an amazing and disappointing place the SDMB can be.
“Hmph. This is the first date I have had in ages, and damn, it didn’t go so well.”
“That’s because you’re a horrible father!!”
WTF?
Okay. He did this when he stood up his own kid knowing full well the kid was already looking forward to seeing him. He couldn’t say “okay trooper, this weekend is on, but next weekend I’ve got plans”? It was that fucking important he couldn’t wait a week so his kid doesn’t start to get the apparently correct impression that his dad cannot be relied on to do what he’s expected to do?
Yes. I have been through a brutal divorce and I have a kid. Assuming that someone else has a different opinion due to a lack of experience (because if they had experience they couldn’t possibly come to a different conclusion than you! clearly, your brain is the template for all human reactions) is asinine, by the way.
I wasn’t slagging on him for making a mistake with the woman, so I don’t know what you’re babbling about anyway. He hasn’t shown any sign of being remorseful for standing up his kid. Like I said, I’m fine with him claiming some weekend nights for himself – as long as he’s planning ahead enough that he’s not doing this at the expense of his kid. You know, like a fucking grown up? I’m not crying any tears for those whining that they can no longer attempt to jump in the sack with bar chicks whenever they feel like it and this makes their job as a weekend-only parent a fucking unbearable burden for them. Too fucking bad. Welcome to adulthood.
No, we cannot protect kids from all disappointments; that seems like a fantastic reason not to visit more pain than necessary upon them ourselves for our own brief gratification. Not to mention role-modeling to them that you don’t just fucking cancel appointments you have with people to go party, because it’s rude and irresponsible.
Okay, I am the poster child (parent) for putting my kids first. Have you read all of my posts in this thread? Clearly not. I reiterate: I did not have Date One until a year and a half after the divorce was FINAL. The first guy I dated steadily, for six months, only met my kids one time, and that was because my ex changed HIS plans. I fully expect that all parents should put their kids first. All. The. Time. I am just thinking maybe people should put this in perspective. Granted, I do not know how old the child is. I don’t recall the OP providing that information. But I don’t think any child is going to be damaged by having a babysitter one night. NOTE: I would not do this. I am not speaking for myself. I am not the OP. It would tear my heart out to think my kids are deprived of anything. Perspective?
Yours is square? Maybe you should see a doctor.
Seriously, two pages of posts and no one made this joke yet? Or maybe I can’t read :o
I’ve already admitted this is exactly what I’ve should have done. Yes, I made a mistake. In all my years as a single parent (7) I’ve stood up my son exactly once. There have been a few instances where I had to go to work on emergencies but that’s it.
Fuck off dude, I’ve already stated numerous times that I wasn’t just out to get some ass. Do you even bother reading the posts or do yopu just like jumping to conclusions?
To tell you the truth some of you fuckers throwing stones seem to be the ones that feel their children are such a fucking burden. My divorce agreement states I’m only entitlerd to my son every other weekend. Thankfully, I’ve got a fairly decent ex-ife who lets me have him every weekend.
I do this becuase I look foward to seeing my son not because it’s a burden.
The issue isn’t whether the “damage” would be caused after “one night”. Of course if it doesn’t happen again, the kid will likely not end up with the impression that when Dad says something is going to happen he’s just being a fucking liar again. The issue is that the OP does think it’s fine to do, so will probably do it again in the future. EDIT: THIS IS INCORRECT. I WAS WRONG, SORRY SHAKES.
It’s also the entire mentality connected that will influence his other parenting decisions. A parent who thinks it’s just fine – that is, not fine as a one-time thing, but fine in general – to teach their kids that it’s acceptable to break a date with one person if something more interesting comes along is probably doing other crappy modeling as well, and overall has a mindset which isn’t well attuned with the kid’s need to watch actual grown ups in order to become a decent one.