Am I giving guys the wrong idea?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I had a baby almost 4 years ago. 2 months after giving birth, I left the dad. Long sordid story of abuse.

Almost immediately after I dumped him, I dated a friend of mine, on and off for quite some time. The guy was extremely nice, funny, caring, but had no ambition, and after a year or so of “hanging out” and “dating”, I finally came to my senses, and told him we were better off as friends.

The problem is all of the guys after that.

There have been about 7 or 8 guys that I have gone out with, over the course of four years. All of the guys, without exception, are either irresponsible, crazy or otherwise not “my type”.

I’ve come to the point where I’m starting to wonder if it’s possible that I’m too picky. I mean, 8 of 8 guys are losers? I have met them various ways, including bars (I know I know), online dating sites (i know), through friends, and some of them I had known in the past, and reunited with through facebook.

The only thing I can find that they all have in common is our first “date”.

I’m really uncomfortable with hiring a sitter. For one, I hate paying $20 for someone to watch my tv while my son sleeps in the other room. For two, most importantly, I’m not comfortable letting a stranger/teenager babysit. My mom will babysit for free, but she is very particular about WHY she is babysitting, and for how long.

If she doesn’t approve of my reason for going out (dates included), she will not babysit. She believes it’s prudent for a mother to stay home whenever possible.

That leaves me with two options: Lying to my mom about what I’m doing, so she will babysit for a few hours, or inviting someone to come to my house to talk and hang out.

I don’t like lying, particularly to my mom.

I saw no harm in having someone come over after my son was in bed, and sitting on the couch and talking for a few hours. Getting to know each other, or so I thought. So when a guy asks me out, if I’m interested, I’ll usually say, “Sure, that’d be fun… you can stop by Thursday night if you want… after 10 is best, because my son will be sleeping by then”.

I saw nothing wrong with this. I don’t fear for my saftey because I live in a pretty “safe” community, and these guys are usually friends of friends or people I have known from before. I also really enjoy talking to people about things, and would prefer to spend a first “date” getting to know someone, rather than sit through a movie.

But then it finally dawned on me.

These guys most likely think that I’m one of those “fun” girls who is up for “having a good time”. I asked around, and my guy friends and co-workers seem to agree.

It doesn’t, however, explain why these guys show themselves to be “losers” almost immediately. Is it because they feel that they don’t have to TRY, with me, because I obviously am very low mantienence? Or they don’t care enough to impress me?

Or could it be something else?

(after re-reading that, it seems glaringly obvious that it is hypocritical for me to worry about leaving my son with someone while I’m gone, and yet having someone I don’t know well in my house while he’s here. Yet another reason to take this dating strategy out of my lineup)

2

  1. I find it extremely sad that your mother won’t babysit for you if you’re going out on a date. That does not sound like a healthy relationship. Shouldn’t she be happy about that?

  2. If I was invited over to a female’s house after 10:00 P.M. I would certainly be thinking of getting lucky, but would never assume that was the case.

  3. 8/8 on the loser front seems like bad luck, and I’m not sure what you mean by “loser” specifically, but there a lot of young guys who would no doubt look upon a single mother of a 4 year old as not being a viable dating option. So, perhaps a fair number of guys are self-selecting themselves out of your dating pool right off the bat. I hate to say it, but it’s the truth. I met a very hot young woman myself when I was in my early 20s and we had an interesting evening together. But I knew she had a small child, and I wasn’t prepared to place myself in that situation, so I never called her again.

3

This. The simple fact is that nobody really wants to raise somebody else’s spawn. (edit: unless they can’t have their own, obviously)

4

Have you considered joining Parents Without Partners? You might meet someone with whom you’ve for something in common - a kid.

5

Your method of dating after 10 o’clock on your couch while your son sleeps in the other room…definitely sends a message of “low maintanence fuck buddy”.

Your kid, I’m sure, is very important to you…so why not pay the money to have someone watch him, even if he’s sleeping and their watching TV, they are there in case something happens. Well worth the investment of paying a sitter.

On the other hand, your current method definitely helps you find what types of guys they are more quickly.

6

Imho, part of the problem is that you are accepting dates from men who know you have a kid. Men who date single mothers are generally not looking for a commitment, and men who are looking for commitments don’t need to pick from women who already have kids.

You need to work harder to find the good men. Rather than waiting, you have to go out and get them. Waiting only works for the top tier of eligible women (and men for that matter.) If you aren’t in the most desirable group, you should be catching guys who are.

7

Can’t help with the losers. But you’ve got to find a sitter. How about a friend (or pool of friends) kids the same age, where you can swap sitting times? Someone with tons of references and personal recommendations? If you don’t think that’s worth $20, you’re going to have nothing but late-night dates at home for quite a while.

8

In a previous thread nuggz mentioned she’s on food stamps. So, $20 is probably a sizable chunk of money.

(Not trying to be mean nuggz. I’m just making sure we all see this in the same perspective.)

9

Telling somebody to just come over to your place suggests that “hanging out” (with your bed close at hand) is what you do. As opposed to, you know, doing things. Maybe if dating you involved doing something out in the world, you’d get more dynamic dates. Also, sharing experiences, and reacting to same, tends to either bond people, or make clear their incompatibility, faster than just talking. (You may have heard the advice to take a trip with someone before committing to a relationship.)

I think you should go ahead and hire a babysitter next time.

10

I think only one of the guys I’ve hung out with in the past 4 years actually didn’t call ME back. Typically they call within a few days of hanging out, usually the next day. They do the nice, “I had a great time, want to hang out next week?” thing, and I say something along the lines of “I’m sorry, something came up…” and we don’t talk again.

$20 is a lot to me, but if you figure I’m only going on say a few dates a year (with this record), I really COULD afford to budget say, $100 a year on a sitter. I mean, I pay for an internet connection, after all… so I have some expendable money.

I would always figure the guys who WOULD hang out with a mom are the type that would not be afraid of a commitment? I know that I avoided guys with kids before I had my own. Because I knew I wasn’t ready for something on that level. I guess guys might think differently, though?

And my mom isn’t the most emotionally healthy person, but since my dad died a few years ago, I am very close with her, and accept her shortcomings.

As far as “losers” go, let me expand on that.

While hanging out I find out they have no job. Or no car (someone dropped them off). Or they talk about fighting all night. Or their ex. I stuck with one guy for about a month, but dumped him after he went through my entire house, “organizing”, while I was asleep. He even went through my purse. I have no doubt he was in snoop mode.

Financially I’m in a bind, I get no child support, I make about $12 bucks an hour. But I HAVE a job and a car and I’m getting by. Even in this economy, I’d expect someone to either have a job, or be 100% focused on getting one, even if it’s minimum wage.

11

I was going to say this.

Also, comments like “The simple fact is that nobody really wants to raise somebody else’s spawn” are sweeping generalizations and are really only an attitude harbored by guys who are looking for a situation as opposed to a partner. It’s very important you identify these men early on and put them on your “loser” list. This generalization is simply wrong.

Frankly, a decent guy would have no problem with the encounter you’ve described. Would he turn up around 10: pm with some measure of speculation? Probably–unless he thought you were just looking for a low-maintenance fuck buddy, in which case Mr. Right might just cross you off his list. But when it becomes apparent you’ve got no ulterior motive, 10: pm just works best for you then he shifts gears and goes into socialize mode and you have a nice chat.

As for the spawn, I will say this from when I was looking: if I thought for a second someone was looking for a father for their kid, I lost interest. When I found someone who wanted ME, the fact she already had a kid was not a negative.

12

I see the following problems in the OP’s scenario:

  1. At home is a pretty intimate setting for a date. Going out for dinner or coffee seems less threatening and intimate. I always used to think of an at-home date as something you did once you were much more familiar with each other.

  2. At home at an odd hour when the woman you’re dating has a child in the house for a first date seems like it’d be really unnerving to many men. I mean, if he’s there for a one-night stand, he’s probably thinking, “Crap! This kid could walk in at any minute!” If he’s there to get to know you, that might not be true, of course.

  3. I get that your kid is probably the most important thing to you right now. But, some of these men might be put off that you’re not even willing to have a first date without the kid present (the kid is still there, asleep or not). That could be off-putting.

My humble opinion is that you need to find a sitter who’s not your mom. You need to have your own personal life, even if it’s limited to those precious few hours you can eke out for yourself and someone you’re interested in. That’s crappy that you have to negotiate with your mom over whether you can date or not. So don’t.

Also, out of curiosity, you work, right? Does your son go to preschool? If so, perhaps you could ask a teacher’s assistant if she’d be willing to watch him. Our son is the same age as yours and one of the preschool’s teaching assistants sometimes comes over to watch him and the baby if we have a date night. It’s great because he already knows her and likes her, so do we, and even though it’s expensive, it’s 100 percent worth it to get out with my husband guilt free every few weeks.

13

Since I’ve been raising my son alone (with help from my mom) for four years, I find myself almost resenting guys who imply that they would be a good dad. I particularly hate advice from guys in regards to my son. Just recently I was talking with a newly re-aquainted old friend, and even though he has a kid my sons age, I did not appreciate him telling me how to do this or that with my son. But that’s an entirely different topic.

I agree that I probably do find out what the guy is REALLY like pretty quick, by behaving as I have been. But then again, these could be ‘good guys’ who, given the situation, don’t think I’M worth bothering with, so they just act like asses because they have nothing to lose.

14

Incongruous.

15

Also, out of curiosity, you work, right? Does your son go to preschool? If so, perhaps you could ask a teacher’s assistant if she’d be willing to watch him. Our son is the same age as yours and one of the preschool’s teaching assistants sometimes comes over to watch him and the baby if we have a date night. It’s great because he already knows her and likes her, so do we, and even though it’s expensive, it’s 100 percent worth it to get out with my husband guilt free every few weeks.

Yeah that… I’ve used my kids preschool teachers… usually you have to keep it between you and them because their employer frowns on it.
Yes… you need to GO OUT… Stop having late night sessions on your couch. It sends a message to this man that there’s no need to THINK about something interesting for us to do or explore together. Also i would add strictly by what I read… you are giving off a vibe of desperation… SHit… they should be HAPPY to go out with you… they should consider themselves lucky to spend some time with you… Get some swag girl…

16

Looking past the first date, I think you are seriously limiting potential good guys if you won’t get a sitter. A high percentages of potentially good matches for you will not be interested if going out alone a couple nights a week isn’t common. Most good guys that aren’t broke would be willing to pay for it, but you’d have to bite the bullet on your reservations and allow it, preferably without making a fuss about it

17

Don’t look for a guy.

Look for things that men and women, and children do together, and chose it because it is something your family enjoys for it’s own sake. Get involved with everyone who also does that thing, in the normal social interactions of that activity. Maybe two activities, if your time and finances allow. Ideally it would be an activity that your mother also appreciates, or even enjoys.

Socialize. You will meet people, and you will be meeting people who enjoy at least one thing you enjoy. There will be some who enjoy other things you enjoy, and some of them will be men of an appropriate age, and marital status for consideration as romantic prospects.

Wait for it.

The criteria for “winner” and “loser” may turn out to be less binary than you think now. You will also get to know other people who also know this eventual guy, and will have some insight into his character.

It might well be the case that persuing your own interests with your own motives and criteria of involvement might make you more attractive to guys who are looking for actual people, rather than fuck buddies.

Tris

18

While it’s understandable to not want your son to “meet” a potential boyfriend before you’re serious, what about a kid-friendly first date? The guy would just be a guy at that point, not someone you would be all affectionate and hand-holding and stuff. You could see how the guy is with kids that way, spend fun time with your son on a nice afternoon, and after the “date” you and your son go home. There may be something glaringly wrong with my idea, since I am of the non-kid variety, but if a guy asked me on a similar first date with his kid, I’d be game.

19

Sorry, they obviously are your type, since that’s who you go out with.

What one thing do all these guys have in common? You.

20

I’m also at a loss about the losers, but can see how your current date arrangements could give the wrong impression.

I would also second the suggestion to have a babysitting pool of friends/workmates if you can. We have a mothers’ group who all babysit for each other and earn points in the group - it means no-one pays for a sitter and you can generally find someone to sit when you need it.