This is a pretty good idea, you should consider it. My stepson who has a daughter (with full custody) met a woman who has 2 sons. They fell in love and are very happy together. They now have a 3-year-old daughter of their own.
Another solution that worked for me when I was a young mother was the one Cat Fight mentioned: trading babysitting hours with another young mom. This was useful even for activities like a day spent Christmas shopping.
I wouldn’t consider it safe to invite home men I hardly know, nor would I go to their place. Find a way to go on a proper date. Show your mother this thread, if you want, maybe she’ll reconsider.
I’ll third the suggestion for Parents Without Partners.
When I was a young single mom living in the trailer park, I had a friend who was also a single mom. One of us would watch the kids on Friday night so the other could go out, and on Saturday vice-versa. Free and I knew my kids were in good hands.
I agree with the ideas of either trading babysitting with another single mom or going out on dates the kid can come along with (like a museum or park or something).
Don’t keep inviting guys over to your house in the middle of the night. You don’t want to run the risk of one of them turning out to be a rapist or something.
Just to give single parents some hope: I, for one, would like to raise someone else’s kids. Having my own biological kids is problematic (illness I don’t want to pass on) so I’m thinking adoption (plus I feel bad thinking about bringing kids into a world where so many already don’t have homes). Step-parenting someone’s (hopefully quite young) children would fit the bill quite nicely.
(I know, it carries its own complications, and I admit I would prefer to be someone’s mother rather than their third (lesser) parent, but I could deal with that. Plus my SO and I would likely go on to have/adopt a kid or two of our own, so best of both worlds!)
I came in to say this. They’re losers because you’re asking out losers. I think you need to consider the possibility that your judgment in men is the issue, not your idea of a date night.
(Though I agree with the concerns regarding bringing guys home to hang out that have been raised in this thread.)
Sorry, you are just trying to be snarky and unhelpful. It is quite clear exactly what she means by that phrase. (That she later finds out they aren’t her type–after initially thinking they were.) There is no reason to try to score a rhetorical point.
A several women have told me “If a woman invites you into her home, she has already pondered the possibility of sleeping with you” Not to say you have decided to or not, just that you acknowledged the possibility and didn’t decide not to have you over. I would tend to agree with the “late night visit = booty call” mentality and ALOT of guys will percieve it that way. IME more often than not, if I was invited over at all it turned out to be a pretty snuggly if not sex. Then again, maybe I am just a major hottie
I think you are looking at this from the wrong angle.
Exhibits:
You were in a sordid and abusive relationship.
You took up with an easily satisfied person romantically next; that was your most recent relationship.
While your child was roughly one to four years old, you engaged in a series of non-serious relationships with men of low prospects and expectations.
Conclusion:
You were dating men that would provide some adult companionship, but still leave you primarily available to your child while he needed you the most.
You were dating low-maintenance [we used to call that, “Easy”] men.
But the kid is older, and will be starting some kind of school, and, in general, your life has changed so you can start focusing on the future, more than just the day-to-day.
So, your dating strategy served you well for that period of your life; but things have changed, your needs have changed, and your dating strategy needs to change.
I don’t know about that. She was a bit unsugarcoated, maybe, but I like to think her point is valid and potentially helpful, since I made the same one: that if she (edit: the op) ends up only dating losers, it means for some reason she’s attracted to, pursues, and continues to date only losers and that reason needs to be identified and addressed.
Well, I think you and twickster have each had a very lucky dating life. 8 of 8 losers is not that terrible and I for one have had runs of luck much like that, and I was not choosing to date losers, life just sent them. I don’t see any reason to beat up on the OP for a run of lousy luck which may be increased by the circumstances of her dates but is surely not due to her having lousy taste in men. (Not necessarily anyhow.)
My first thought from the OP. There’s got to be something about them that attracts her, then she discovers their loserhood. But that should be obvious up front if she keeps ending up with the same kind of guy.
My second thought: Don’t invite a guy to your house AS the first date. If he’s a stalker, a creep, a criminal, a rapist, a thief, you just made a huge mistake.
First date? Go to Starbucks/Caribou or someplace like Baker’s Square/Perkins where you can have a desert and some coffee and talk. Boring? Maybe. But a lot safer than your house and Mom probably won’t object too much.
j66, I find what you say to be intereresting. It IS entirely possible (looking back on things) that I didn’t want anything serious for those first few years. I say that because it hasn’t been untill recently that my lack of “long term” prospects have bothered me.
I still am not sure if it’s a self-esteem issue or a self-preservation issue.
Thank you all for putting in your ideas.
And as far as me “always” datin losers… I can’t aruge that. I DO always date losers (IMO). But are they losers because that’s their nature, or is my dating method makiing them present themselves as such, in order to “get thier way”?
Again, not saying this shit isn’t my fault, because obviously it IS. My question still lies in this: What am I doing wrong?
Think of the sort of person whom you would like to attract. What would such a person seek in the person whom he dates? What would such a person like to do on dates? How might you come in contact with such a person?
Then you will have to either improve your career so as to be able to afford a babysitter, pool babysitting resources with other parents as suggested by others up-thread, or bring the little nipper along on dates.
Come on now - that’s a college town. Got to be some young single parents who would like to trade babysitting tit-for-tat. Maybe you need to try meeting those parents before you try to meet men? Seems like your biggest barrier is the babysitting thing.
You said these guys expose themselves as losers quickly. That is probably better than if they took a long time to do it.
How are you screening these guys? If their being employed is important to you (very reasonable) chat with them on the phone or on-line, mention your job, and ask about theirs.
Do any of these guys ever offer to take you out only to have you refuse because of the child issue? If so, you might be turning off people who are not losers. When I was dating (roughly the time of the Flintstones) I wanted to go someplace fun with a girl. It gives you something to talk about, and takes you outside your life. I suspect you spend plenty of time in your place already.
And definitely try to set up baby-sitting sharing. Teen age babysitters are fine - we had plenty, and none of them made the slightest attempt to eat our kids, and our daughter did it also - though she made more money sitting dogs.
(I bet you could use a movie or a nice dinner outside the home also.)
