Am I giving guys the wrong idea?

[lindsaybluth]

@nuggz

I saw no harm in having someone come over after my son was in bed, and sitting on the couch and talking for a few hours. Getting to know each other, or so I thought. So when a guy asks me out, if I’m interested, I’ll usually say, “Sure, that’d be fun… you can stop by Thursday night if you want… after 10 is best, because my son will be sleeping by then”.

This is the Straight Dope, and by your join date, you may not know how harsh a place this is just yet, but it should be noted that telling dudes to stop by after 10 makes you sound like a Grade A booty call. Maybe even slutty. So yeah, don’t do that. Go on dates in the middle of the day for coffee and you’ll come off as girlfriend material.

As an aside, don’t wait until you’re mid 50’s to get back into the dating game as a single parent. My SO’s mom keeps saying she’s going to try but “one thing or another” comes up, and frankly, she’s just scared to. Single parents will always have excuses, but you owe it to yourself to be happy.

Post on Craigslist, at the grocery store, at Michigan’s student rec center, saying you want $8/hour babysitting. Afternoon babysitting costs less as well. But the best idea so far is do you have friends, or do your kids have friends with single parents? you can both plan a date and share a sitter? Or one watch both kids while the other is out? Seriously get over your fear of having a bad babysitter - I was raised by a wonderful nanny for 7 years of my life, but while she had surgery I had a babysitter who literally didn’t bathe me. So what! I’m alive and no worse for the wear 15 years later! Single parents have this awful “me vs the world” mentality, like people are out to get you.

And don’t meet guys at bars. Jesus, I didn’t think people did this anymore. Statistics show that people most often meet their spouses at work, through friends, and online. Try lots of online dating websites; many are free or low cost. There are some threads here about them.

[aruvqan]

@Leaffan

1. I find it extremely sad that your mother won’t babysit for you if you’re going out on a date. That does not sound like a healthy relationship. Shouldn’t she be happy about that?

2. If I was invited over to a female’s house after 10:00 P.M. I would certainly be thinking of getting lucky, but would never assume that was the case.

This is very misleading - it does sound like you are inviting the guy over for a booty call.

To be perfectly honest, date outside the house. Stiffen up and find someone you can trust as a baby sitter since your mother is being passive-agressive [or just being a butthead] about the whole dating thing.

@Leaffan

3. 8/8 on the loser front seems like bad luck, and I’m not sure what you mean by “loser” specifically, but there a lot of young guys who would no doubt look upon a single mother of a 4 year old as not being a viable dating option. So, perhaps a fair number of guys are self-selecting themselves out of your dating pool right off the bat. I hate to say it, but it’s the truth. I met a very hot young woman myself when I was in my early 20s and we had an interesting evening together. But I knew she had a small child, and I wasn’t prepared to place myself in that situation, so I never called her again.

And many guys do not want women with kids, plain and simple. Back when I was single and dating, I had more than one guy tell me outright that they will not get involved with women with previous kids because they will not raise some other guys spawn [and yes the guy I am thinking of did actually refer to a kid as some other guys spawn. I never did date that jackass, and I didn’t have kids]

The best first date is literally meeting somewhere for coffee. Not come over to the house late at night, which is rightly seen as come over at bedtime. Make the first few dates inexpensive like coffee, coffee and dessert, a saturday matinee with the kid along to see if the guy objects to kids. Then once you have figured out if he is a keeper or not, then you can segue into more romantic stuff.

But you will have to either confront your mother and tell her that you will be dating and she can either get with the program or shove off about your possible sex life, or just ignore her entirely and find a babysitter. You have got to stop with the come over after the kid is in bed because that is inviting them over for a booty call that you do not intend to go through with. He will see you as being a cock tease.

[Justin_Bailey]

This hasn’t been mentioned yet, but if a single mom is asking me to come over for a “sit on the couch” date after 10 PM while her son sleeps in the next room I’d assume this woman is looking for a daddy, no more no less.

That will scare away a lot of guys.

[Hilarity_N.Suze]

In my opinion, what you are doing wrong is making it too easy for guys to see you, therefore attracting guys who don’t put a lot of effort into anything.

I don’t know where you meet them, but once you have a guy who wants to go out with you, is there any way you could extend your after-work child care by just a little bit, say 45 minutes or an hour, for one of those coffee dates others have mentioned? It would be better for three reasons. One, you aren’t inviting someone into your house that you just met. Two, you would have a time limit, and wouldn’t have to worry about kicking the guy out of the house, just get up and leave when you have to go (this is not a bad thing at all). Three, you would both be on neutral territory, and among other people.

If you join Parents Without partners, or some similar single-parent organization, you might find someone to date, but you will certainly find people who have figured out how to handle the babysitting stuff, and maybe even somebody willing to coop the babysitting with you. Should you find a guy who’s worth it.

[Bad_News_Baboon]

I’m kind of stunned you haven’t figured out these guys are losers before they come to your house.
Are you not communicating with them at all prior?

Might I suggest a lunch date?
Your son is in daycare. You have a lunch break at work?
Even better is that it’s only an hour.

If it’s not too much to ask, what goes on at your evening dates? Is it purely talking over coffee? Is it cozy on the couch? If it’s more like the later, you seriously need to examine your dating style.

Also, it was suggested to bring a child on a first date.
Don’t do that. Why expose your son to the string of losers?
I say this as a single mom.

[sandra_nz]

Why not meet up with your dates during the daytime at the weekend, somewhere you can bring your son?

I know general advice is to not introduce a child to a new partner until you’re sure it’s a long-term relationship, but I think that goes for slightly older children. At just under four, I think he’s young enough that he would be too busy having fun at the park to notice (or worry about the fact that) mum’s speaking to a man.

Plus it’s a great way to see how a potential partner interacts with your child.

[missred]

The time of night that you ask your dates to come to your house may have something to do with winding up with losers.

Most guys with a day job are winding down for the day at 10:00 p.m. So who’s left? The ones who work part time, ones with no job and ones who don’t value their work performance enough to go in rested up. The night shifters are usually still at work at that hour.

My impression of who you’re looking for is someone reasonably stable, works, is interesting and intelligent. Which of these traits are the top priority? If it’s interesting or intelligent, a lot of losers are both of these. Stable and works? That tends to thin the loser herd.

[DiosaBellissima]

I haven’t even read the other replies, but let me take a crack at this:

I get that you’re stuck because your mom wont babysit because you go on dates (though she certainly has no obligation to do so), but ffs: it is insanely, incredibly irresponsible to bring strange men off of the internet into your home, with your sleeping child. Shit, it’d be crazy even if it was just you, but your child? You’re putting your child at risk so you can go on a date?

But even beyond that, what happens if junior wakes up and meets the gentleman? Speaking as the kid of divorced parents, I can tell you that the one thing I always remember bugging wee child me was my dad constantly introducing me to whatever girl of the week he was dating. It was confusing, but beyond that, it was even insulting (yeah, even as a small child I was insulted by the situation, go figure).

Most importantly: get with it, honey. You’re inviting men to your house. Why do you think they’re coming over? To discuss literature with you? Do you know what else is at your house? Your bed. Where he can fuck you.

No decent man is going to agree to just roll over to your house late one night so he can meet you. A decent man is going to ask you on a proper freaking date. Don’t settle for less than that. And seriously: please be safer. If not for you, for your kid.

[Maastricht]

Have you considered trying to find another single mom for a room mate? Together, you could pool resources, including child care.

[msmith537]

@nuggz

I would like to attract an intelligent, modest person who was aware of who he was, and what was going on around him.

I’m sure he woudl seek the same

How would I come in contact with him? I’d find a babysitter who would watch my son often enough for me to hang out at coffee shops in Ann Arbor.

Such babysitters don’t exist.

Unfortunately, “single mom on food stamps who picks up guys in bars and on the internet and has a passive-aggressive mother” doesn’t exactly paint you as a catch to the sort of intelligent, (presumably) educated, responsible man you are looking for.

[Markxxx]

You seem to be the type to say “This is how I am, accept me or not.”

There is nothing wrong with that overall, but there are ways of saying things.

First of all your mum. You have no right to impose your will on her. When you had a child you signed on for at 18 years. This means you accept all responsibility. If it means you can’t date, that’s part of it. You had the child YOU rear it.

Second, the father of the child needs to be paying support. If he isn’t you need to start another thread about “Where do I find free help to get child support?” In Illinois is pretty easy to get something, IF you try. (and yes, I’ve helped quite a few mothers in Illinois get something out of their deadbeat dad, though I will admit in IL it can be as little as $50.00 if they’re not working). This support could be going to a babysitter.

Third, you need to get over the fact, no on can babysit your precious child. Yes, the kid is precious to you, but he/she isn’t all that, where only your mum can handle him. Find workable solutions.

Fourth, stop dating till you can solve the above three problems.

Fifth, you need to work on presentation. There’s nothing wrong with letting people who you are, but there are definately ways of doing things.

Remember if something happens more than once or twice, it’s probably you. But that’s not bad. It’s actually a GOOD thing, as you can find out what the issue is and change it.

I remember George Burns saying he was so grateful for Vaudeville. He said, you could go to a town completely fall on your face, learn from your mistakes, correct them, then move on. He said, now if you flop on Radio, everyone hears you and it’s too late.

No one can really tell you what your doing is right or wrong, except if it doesn’t seem to get you the results you want, you need to step back and really look at what the problem is. And be honest and objective. This is very difficult. No one wants to see themselves as they are.

And yes, sometimes it’s no one’s fault it’s just bad luck. In that case you need to remember, dating and love and such aren’t the only things in the world. Millions of people in the world never find love and they live very rewarding and productive lives. Love should be PART of a life, but not the sole reason to exist.

Sure you need love, but it doesn’t need to be a physical love, it can be a love of animals, a love of God, a love of humanity or even a simple love of life.

[Hello_Again]

@nuggz

[How would I come in contact with him? I’d find a babysitter who would watch my son often enough for me to hang out at coffee shops in Ann Arbor.

Such babysitters don’t exist.

Come now. You think that in an academic town, there’s no such thing as a reliable babysitter? You don’t thinks there’s ANY responsible people who’d like to make a little cash from time to time? REALLY?
Oh, look “where can I find a babysitter” is the #2 question at Arbor Parents, Ann Arbor’s parents group
Ann Arbor Parents without Partners
Plenty of people – incuding professional nannies – are looking for part time or occaisional babysitting work on Cragislist

I bet if you put up a sign in the People’s Food Co-op, The Hands-on Museum, and the library, stating you were interested in forming a babysitting co-op, you’de get plenty of interest.

[twickster]

Well, except the OP is just a victim of circumstance and bad luck who can do nothing to change any of it.

[Richie_Incognito]

It’s possible you are giving guys the wrong idea. You haven’t really told us how much you tell them about your life prior to these dates. It seems like they do not tell you much about their lives.

It sounds like perhaps your filtering mechanism is a bit off. If you are conversing with these men prior to these dates, why not find out if they are working, they drive, etc.

[Macnbaish]

I’ll jump in as one of your possible “targets.” I’m a divorcee, upper 20s, good job, educated, have my own house, etc.

First, the sweeping generalization that nobody wants to raise your spawn is incorrect. I’ve wanted to be a father for years, but it’s never worked out for me. I realize that dating a woman with children will be additional work and complications, but children is also something I want. It can be a blessing too.

I think you already know that your current pattern of inviting them over to your place right off the bat late at night is not a good strategy for what you ultimately want to accomplish. The guys that you call losers will like that and will be after a booty call, and the guys that you are trying to attract will be turned off by that. I know if I found that you had invited multiple men over to your house in the evening, I would assume that something had gone on, and for me, that’s a big red flag. You’re looking for something long term, so a good match in a guy is also going to be looking long term. Anything that implies you have been just casually dating around or “just having fun” is going to give the wrong impression. So, as you already know, cut that out, and I’d also not try to highlight it to future prospects.

As you also already seem to know, a bar is not likely to generate good results for you. The best way to meet somebody, is to just live. Make your life what you want it to be. My faith is important to me, so I’m very active in my church. That’s a great place to meet people I might be compatible with. Whatever your hobbies and desires are in life, make it happen for yourself, as best you can. I know you’re working and raising a child which takes a lot of your free time, but you will be most attractive to the men you are trying to attract when you are living your life happily. That’s when it “just happens.” Joe Schmoe from your swing dancing class notices how happy and loving life you are. He walks up, asks you if you’re free some evening, and off you go.

I’ve decided that finding the love of my life is most likely to happen when I stop looking for her.

[supergoose]

@twickster

Well, except the OP is just a victim of circumstance and bad luck who can do nothing to change any of it.

Ok, now *that *was just snarky and unhelpful.

[nuggz]

Thank you for the responses.

I feel it is important to point out that I realize this is something that I am doing wrong, which is the entire purpose of this thread. If I thought it were the guys, I would have posted something along the lines of “What’s wrong with men omg they suck!”.

So, on that note, to those of you who have offered advice on how to correct this pattern I’ve set in motion: Thank you.

To those of you who feel I’m trying to place blame on someone else or avoid blame for myself: Have you read what I have written? Not to say that I am not guilty of responding to a post without clearly reading the OP or readin the reviews… just sayin’.

I did just (thank god, not TOO late), realize the folly in invinting people I hardly know to my house. I’m actually pretty sure I sad that in my original post. Hindsight is a bitch, isn’t it?

But you are right. I am giving guys the wrong idea about who I am and what I stand for, simply by suggesting that they “stop by” at an unopportune hour.

Even worse. Well no, probably not worse, but anyway… I tend to accept other peoples flaws too readily.

And someone earlier seemed to ask exactly what was going on at my house.

It’s never been intimate. The closest I got to “intamacy” was the most recent guy, and we kissed before he left. Not too long after this (maybe 3 days), he mentioned that he “just wanted to have fun”. I made it clear that I did not “just want to have fun”. We continued to talk on a friendly basis, and now, suddenly, he wants to date.

Why? I fully believe that he got the “just have fun” impression by the fact that I invited him over to my house. Once I clarified my actions and made sure he realized that was not my goal or intention, he took me out of that “wow, she’s fun and easy” wormhole and put me into the “wow, maybe this is worth checking into?” catergory.

Obviously, if our first “date” hadn’t been AT MY HOUSE, we could have skipped this preliminary nuggz-is-a-slut bullshit.

My bad.

Which was the entire premise of this thread.

[Hilarity_N.Suze]

Okay, well, I don’t know how to say this. But “fun” must be some kind of euphemism for sex. Because frankly, the dates you have at your house don’t sound like that much fun. Particularly the ones that end up with you going to sleep and the guy going through all your stuff.

Here’s the thing, doing it some other way not only requires more effort on the guy’s part, it requires more effort on your part.

It depends on what you want out of dating. If you want a better quality guy, you need to become a better quality date yourself.

[madmonk28]

I think it is a good idea for a date to be on neutral ground, so everyone can relax a bit. Meeting for drinks or coffee is good because it means you both can keep it short if it is not working out and you do’t have to try to get someone out of your house if it is a dud date. The guy doesn’t feel like it he is inserted into instant domestichood.

Bear in mind, I’ve been married for more than 10 years and literally haven’t been on a date in this century, those who can’t, teach and all that.

[j666]

@nuggz

j66, I find what you say to be intereresting. … My question still lies in this: What am I doing wrong?

Are you still there? Because I’ve been thinking about this, a lot.

First point, that is not your question; you know what you were doing ‘wrong’. Your question is really, ‘Now that I am ready, how do I start a more future-oriented life (and meet men appropriate for that life)?’

Two things I’d suggest:
Go to places where you can take the nuggzet; there must be lots of free things to do in Ann Arbor, it will just take a bit of research

Take classes at a community college; your mom will babysit for that, won’t she? And there must be some aid programs for poor single mothers.

Now, the important thing to remember is don’t go to meet men! Go to meet other women; these women will have brothers, co-workers, and friends they are dying to introduce a nice young woman to. And you are a nice young woman.

Take the nuggzet to the library, museums, and maybe church service, even local parks; teach him ‘public’ manners [nothing is more attractive than a woman with a well-raised child]. Do not date men you meet on your own with a child in these places; I’d feel safer bringing a stranger home from a bar.

And go to street fairs and the like; teach the child he can have one fried dough or other disgusting treat, go on one ride, or get one souvenir / face-painting / what-ever. He’ll end up a more pleasant child and a better man - and, again, you’ll look like a better bet yourself, which is what we are talking about here.

Start taking classes that will really improve your chances of getting a better job; I have no idea what they are. [A woman who intends to take care of her own self and child, thank you very much, is pretty attractive, too.]

But the most important thing is to chat up other women. It’s safer, it’s more attractive, and it works.

Or, if it doesn’t, they might at least baby-sit for you.