That’s what it’s all about. Tailoring your message to meet the audience. But, people keep saying that the audience is just “people” in general. It’s true, but at the same time it’s not that simple.
But those two situations (not wanting to be talked to, vs. interested but not making the first move) **look **different, usually. And context matters: a quiet woman on the street vs. a quiet woman at work vs. a quiet woman at a party where you have mutual friends are all different circumstances.
If somebody is quiet and you honestly can’t read whether they’re open to talking to you, then you’re far better off respecting their apparent “no”. At best, it’s respectful, and at worst, it might cause you to miss out on an interesting encounter (but consider that 1) you’ll have more opportunities to talk to people who show genuine interest, and 2) if they were interested but were doing nothing to convey it, including using THEIR words, it’s not your fault that you aren’t psychic.) Insisting on talking to someone who really isn’t interested in talking to you (short of the most banal pleasantries) risks you getting the “creepy” label.
There are certainly situations where it’s safer to strike up a conversation out of the blue, namely when there’s a mutual need to communicate (work, but I assume you weren’t talking about that) or an obvious connection (meeting up at John’s party/the ballroom dance team practice/underwater basketweaving club). But even in those situations, keep it casual-- definitely give the aggressive and “in your face” stuff a miss. You wouldn’t do that to anyone you just met, would you?
I’ve been boy-crazy since kindergarten, and never had a problem meeting, dating, or talking to men in any location or under any circumstance. I’ve had the tendency to fall for pretty much any clever, fun guy who grinned at me since age 5. I’d like to say “I wouldn’t change a thing”, but as a friend to a lot of men who listens to a constant stream of unguarded commentary about he opposite sex, I can tell you the one common habit that sabotages us all.
Stop condemning sexually active women with derogatory names. The cat in heat label “queen” is no better than slut, whore, cumbucket, or any other hateful label that means “every woman not having sex with me”. You want to know why women are particularly defensive and hesitant about flirting and relationships? This is why. If you aren’t dating a woman, her sex life is none of your business and should have zero bearing on how you regard her as a person. I’m not saying you personally are guilty of this, but the attitudes and actions of women are often influenced by the negative feedback we get from the male population at large. Calling women sluts is a nasty, outdated attempt to control the behavior of women, and that act of shaming us is the very thing that is vexing every single guy who is frustrated by the dating process. If you find us guarded and hard to read, it is because you treat us disrespectfully and devalue us when we exert our own will.
At work it’s best to behave professionally as you would in the presence of your boss. No fart jokes, little or no colorful language or sexual innuendo. If your company has no fraternization policy, just keep your shenanigans and flirting confined to off-premises activities. No amount of playing around is worth risking your job or a sexual harassment complaint.
Exactly.
Two in the pink, one in the stink.
But let’s be fair. Women call other women sluts and whores all the time. It’s not some male conspiracy to control women.
OP, you need to be more specific about what women you’re talking about. Obviously everyone should treat everyone else well regardless of sex, race, SES, etc. but some of your posts seem to imply that you’re after something more specific. So quit beating around the bush and if you want to know how to pick up women, or cultivate a lasting relationship, or not come off like a prick at work, just say so.
Maybe I’m missing something here … I thought the term “queen” referred to any female cat, based on a prior post. Is that not correct?
Is “queen” a derogatory word for a woman now? Is the word interchangeable with “slut” or “whore”?
Please respond quickly; I’m going to Buckingham Palace next week, and need to know how to address Her Majesty. Can I say “Slut Elizabeth II” and be okay?
I am actually viewing and posting in this thread as well because I could use quite some help in this area as well. I seriously lack social skills, and it’s the reason why I have very few real-life friends. I am not very sociable and quite shy. At social events (which I rarely go to anyways), I am usually the outsider that is barely noticeable.
But basically, the message I am getting from this thread on how to talk to women is:
[ul]Don’t have a goal or plan[/ul]
[ul]Be relaxed and smile[/ul]
[ul]Just talk to women as you would with any other person (with some additional flirting?)[/ul]
[ul]Exchange ideas and interests, and be polite and mannerful[/ul][ul]There is no secret cheat method and avoid PUA’s[/ul]
[ul]Don’t stress it; just have fun[/ul]
[ul]Keep the focus off yourself and on her[/ul]
[ul]The more you practice this, the easier it gets[/ul]
Is this correct? :dubious: Please correct this as needed.
I’m not familiar with it, but this post below indicated that women who want to have sex deserve a label:
Yes to all except this one. Don’t pander, don’t patronize, don’t play games. She needs to know who you are, too. Tell her. If she’s not into whatever hobbies, interests, and ethics you follow, she’s not right for you anyway. It’s a 50/50 thing.
:smack: I re-read my comment and I have to apologize for what I said. I wasn’t meaning to slut-shame. I am not going to make excuses, but I was thinking of the female cats in heat living on the farm I grew up on and made a stupid joke. My apologies.
No apology necessary; ReticulatingSplines is right, some women are guilty of the same attempt to control and influence others. Thing is, so long as precautions to protect one’s health are taken, women who like having sex are good thing, not a bad thing. Let’s call women who are reserved and women who are sexually adventurous by the same name: women.
You almost get it, but what you don’t get, is there’s nothing to get.
Disclaimer: This is the internet, so my text may come off as harsh or critical, but I mean it with all the best intent. As a guy who used to be on the shy end of the spectrum, I can relate to where you’re coming from.
So, you have grasped the basics: be yourself, socialize more, and socialize for the sake of being social.
Next you’re thinking of moving on to more advanced techniques - flirting. This is where I think you may be missing it a little. If flirting doesn’t come naturally, it’s creepy, and if it doesn’t come naturally, it may not be for you. But all is not lost; one does not need to flirt to seduce a mate - many women will find your shy, quiet, slightly awkward, and genuine self quite charming and endearing.
If you look at the other end of the spectrum, a man who has a lot of success* with women, you’ll notice he gets along well with everyone in the room, and not just the women he’s pursuing. So, someone who self-describes as having very few friends, is likely to have fewer interactions with women as well.
*the asterisk is your saving grace - one meaningful relationship with a geekette is an equal or greater success to a charmer knocking down a number of one-night-stands.
I agree almost completely, except that an apology was in order
(And trying to bring the silly back; that my lady friends that like having sex prefer I call them by their first name. Which reminds me of an old exchange on the Simpsons, Homer is making friends with a gay man and asks, “So, do we call you gay, or queer! or what?” and the new friend replies, “Steve’s fine.” 
)
No, I disagree with this point. Planning is essential with just about everything in life. Why should your general approach towards women be different? The rest is okay but so general that it’s virtually meaningless.
Troppus, I agree. I think many women are more concerned with appearance than men and are thus kinder people, or at least appear to be. I think men are less bashful about being a jerk which can sour the well for a lot of us. If there is one thing to be said though it is that loud and confident people usually get along better socially than their shy counterparts. It can be difficult to capture somebody’s attention in a genuinely smooth way, so some just choose the easy route and act obnoxious.
This topic is so complex it’s hard to get specific about pointers beyond the obvious. Also, putting your ideas out there is likely bound to offend somebody so I think that’s why some people might be holding back.
Hey, everybody starts somewhere!
You should seriously check out Captain Awkward, as she’s about the best and most well-grounded advice-giver I’ve seen. I particularly agree with her Personal Rules of Dating (as found here).
Edited to add: In addition to the above stuff being true no matter the configuration of genders involved, it’s *just as * true-- minus perhaps 2 and 7-- if you’re talking about just making friends and interacting with people without any kind of sexual or romantic aspect.
And I disagree with this. Since you seem fond of quotes and great thinkers, try this one on: “Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, never merely as a means to an end, but always at the same time as an end.” Kant’s Categorical Imperative/Wiki
Get it? Women are ends in themselves, not merely a means to your end. No one wants to serve a role in your agenda. If, after a *mutually *satisfying, productive conversation a relationship evolves, that’s great for both people.
I agree, treat women just like you would anybody else.
But I think the OP wants pointers on how to get women. To that I say:
1.) Be apathetic.
2.) Despite this “enlightened” society we currently live in, accept the fact that if you have a penis, YOU are going to have to be the one to initiate things. Sure, women aren’t afraid to flirt, but if you want it to go further, you better speak up.
No need to quote me on this ladies just so you can tell me “I make the first move all the time.” Yes, I know you exist. I think you’re awesome (Seriously. Not snarking) But by and large, us guys are the ones to get things moving along.
3.) Speak your mind: If a woman says something you disagree with (or something stupid) let her know. Don’t just agree with everything she says hoping it will better your chances of getting her in the sack. It wont.
What the hell…
Sorry, I’ll expand:
Be apathetic. First off feigning apathy is easier than feigning confidence which some guys have a problem with. Apathy works just as well.
Also, if a woman rejects my request for a date, my only response is “OK, have a nice day.” as opposed to “But come on. Why not? Are you sure? etc…”