Great. He’s a liar, a hypocritical two-timer, a manipulator and a callous jerk about your feelings but he’s got some money and is courteous to waitstaff, so it all evens out…not.
You’ve been conned, and that is a perfectly normal way to feel about it. This guy may or may not have meant to con you, but he did and the only difference is whether he is a jerk or an idiot. In either case, ask yourself what advice you would give a friend if they were in a similar situation and follow it.
As a 41 year old man, I’d guess that this guy has had several decades to learn how to treat others and hasn’t taken advantage of that opportunity. One of the hardest things to do in this world is to (figuratively) hold someone’s heart in your hands and care for it. I don’t think that he has any interest in holding yours; he only wants to give excuses why he dropped it.
Say what? Its bizarre alright, and relevenat? Why tell us then? Are you messing with us or has someone given you a blue rectangle to eat?
Well, the hard part is that I’ve got a lot tied up in him right now- the heaviest of which, at the moment, is that I’ve been looking for work for an arduous few months and he has a lot of connections in the industry I want to get into, so he’s been helping me meet people and get interviews, etc, one hopeful one being later this week. So I’m loathe, to say the least, to cut myself off from him and sink my professional possibilities.
I keep thinking that a couple more weeks of him won’t be that bad, if it does land me a job, but then again… the more I get into the rut, the more selective memory is going to kick in and let the inertia of staying around take over.
Meanwhile, I’m not sure what I want to tell the other girl. If I tell her I’m planning to break it off, and she tells him, then my whole reason for staying will be ruined. But I can’t very well be (genuinely) indignant while talking to her and then still be dating him seriously, that would be schitzophrenic.
Plus, again, I’m unemployed. All my friends have jobs. He is wealthy and doesn’t have to work so we basically hang out 4-5 times a week, he buys me meals and we watch movies and he helps me apply to jobs… Which is also why he thinks the other girl shouldn’t bother me, b/c he sees her once a week to my five times. He thinks that’s decent proof that she is just a friend- says, “actions speak, and I’m with you 99% of the time, so use your head and stop being paranoid!”
So, once I break up with him, I’m going to be sitting at home, all day, every day, with no one to call, depressed, without a job or money, and I’m afraid of that. It’ll be awful. Dunno what to do.
You have a great sense of humor.
I’m not kidding about that stalker thing. I assumed it was someone random but, if he’s lying to me, it’s possible it’s some sadistic game of his? Who knows??
When will we hear of the ex wife, the just found child from a former relationship, and the account in Switzerland?
Oh kid, I feel you. I stayed in a bad relationship because I didn’t want to be alone, all day, every day, in a lame situation. But don’t you think he knows that? He knows you are sort of dependent on him, crave his company and need his favors, rely on his company and help. He’s also counting on your liberal mindset, your desire not to be a possessive bitch, and your trusting nature. He’s manipulating you and using his power over you to have his cake and eat it too.
Look, I understand why you would want to stick around. Your life is not where you want it to be. He’s successful, sophisticated, smart, has and provides a lot of the things you want. It’s going to be hard to walk away. I can’t make you any promises about the future, but I can predict that it will get better, and you will find someone who doesn’t lie to you, disregard your feelings, and play with your head.
Hang in there. E-mail me if you want. If not, keep posting. I for one am interested and hope it all works out for you.
Wow. Um… how did he react when you found out? Did he apologize profusely and beg your forgiveness and explain how it was all a dare/joke/mistake/field test for the plot of a bad romantic comedy? (note how in the bad romantic comedies the deceived party generally storms off full of righteous indignation and the offender has work really hard to apologize…)
Good. Wonderful. Tuesday would be better. And it certainly wouldn’t hurt if it weren’t mentioned to loverboy until afterward.
:eek: :eek: :eek:
DANGER! DANGER! WARNING! WARNING!
It’s extremely relevant. What does she say about him? And what’s HIS reaction to all this?
Normal reaction: “Oh god, it’s my crazy ex So-And-So. sigh Just tell me what she’s told you and I’ll explain…”
Also normal reaction: “Are you serious? This is so out of nowhere. Do you have a voicemail saved so I could see if I recognize it? I really want to figure this out…”
Not normal reaction: “Gee, honey, no idea! Must just be some crazy lady!”
I do feel bad for you too. All I can say is I’m glad I’m not 23 anymore.
I didn’t mean to push you about the restaurant thing, but I couldn’t get a clear picture in my head of what was going on. :smack:
Tell me, what do your friends think?
I think you know in your heart this isn’t the best thing for you but it’s easier said than done. I think if I were you I’d keep going out with my friends and try to meet new people. Don’t devote all your time with this guy that may/may not stick around.
Well, if nobody else is going to say anything, I’ll say it. What you’re telling us is that you’re willing to sleep with a guy to get a job? Your parents must be very proud. And what a boost to your self-esteem that would be. Much better than actually earning something on merit.
Maybe you two deserve each other.
I’d recommend that you and the other girl both dump this guy and then, just to rub it in, start dating each other.
Hmmm…I wonder if it’s responses like this that keeps my “Dear Nemo” column from getting picked up by the syndicates?
So he’s willing to lie to get the attention of the young women he’s collecting, too. His charm is only increasing. You hear his story about what this other woman is like; do you wonder what sorts of stories he’s telling her about you?
Yeah, loneliness kind of sucks, but getting one’s social itch scratched by a user isn’t really anything resembling an improvement. Find someone to spend your time with who’s willing to be honest and respectful with you; if you want a monogamous relationship, don’t put up with this kind of faffing about; avoid head games.
(Also in answer to the question of the title, I’d find such a situation awkward if it were some sort of artificially constructed meeting specifically for the purpose of meeting Random Girlfriend B, but I find that sort of fake socialisation really disconcerting. If someone’s going to inflict a random stranger on me, the reason had better be something like, “I thought you two would really get along because you both have an interest in ancient Egyptian theological studies” or something like it, not “I want you to meet my other girlfriend”. ‘My other girlfriend’ is not a suitable grounds for acquaintanceship. As it happens, it’s never been relevant – I’ve known all the relevant other girlfriends before they were girlfriends.)
Diogenes, is that really the best way to put it? Telling a woman that she’s a whore is generally not very productive. Unless what you’re trying to produce is violent rage, directed at you personally.
starfishfillet, email, aim, and yahoo are in my profile, and I’m pretty talkative.
Wow what a way to add insult to injury. From what I’ve read it seems like this man has absolutely no respect for you or that other girl. If you just enjoy the sex then that’s great, but if you want something more then you should probably look else where.
Handsome: Check
Wealthy: Check
Educated (University): Check
Published: Not yet
Intelligent: Check
Capable: Check
Courteous to Waitstaff: Check
Clean Apartment: …no comment
Likes Fishing: Meh
Owns a Boat: No
Lot of Plusses: Check
Lot of Minusses: Not really
Young: Check
Fit: Healthy and thin (not particularly muscular)
All his hair: Check
If you just want a list of attributes, well there’s mine. I think the big one is “Lot of Minusses.” Might want to think over that one, because there’s a lot of guys in the world where “Not really” is true. And certainly not where they involve angry-ex stalkers, threesomes, and a loss of self-respect.
As to him being a sugardaddy for you… Yeah, if you know how to play the game, he might be a good step up. Otherwise, he’s just going to be a short road to a long fall. If you’re skilled enough to get into the publishing industry, you’re going to get in by a) being skilled enough to do so, and b) being persistent enough to make sure someone figures that out and gives you a job. If you’re not good enough to make it in, sleeping your way into a job sure isn’t going to make that feel any better. Might as well just get in through your own worth.
Certainly working at McDonald’s sucks a lot more compared to having sex on a boat, but still we’re talking about a life decision and the entire rest of your life. Short-term sex on the water is going to be a lot more fun, but long-term you’re going to be a lot happier having gone about getting what you wanted in life based on your own merit.
But he didn’t say it, she did well enough:
Why would this guy want to settle down with her? She offers nothing substantial, other than sex and she is terribly in need of him and his connections. If he’s doing well enough to entice not one but two twentysomethings I would bet this guy isn’t just stopping there. I really hope for the best for you starfishfillet, but perhaps it will be a life lesson to you if he does end up emotionally hurting both you and this other girl. A man who isn’t being entirely forthcoming about basic facts when you met him probably hasn’t told you everything there is to know about himself. Heck, if I was in your position(!) I would be blinded by the allure of wealth, intelligence, and possibilities too. Maybe it’s time for you to go apply at Starbucks and use your spare time to create a master plan of how you’re going get that big break into your chosen field.
What if this interview works out? Are you going to let him guilt you into sleeping with him and this other woman?
“You know, I did get you this job, so if you could just do this one little thing…”
You will be in his debt. That’s bad place to be.
It won’t stop there.
You guys are totally misunderstanding the job thing. The reasons I’ve been with him thus far have nothing to do with jobs, they have to do with him being intelligent and witty, funny, amazing sex, similar interests, enjoyment when I’m with him, things that persist regardless of the shit he pulls about the other girl and pseudomonogamy. I had a job when I met him, and then I lost it- and, when I lost my job, I became much more attached to him in a short period of time than I normally would have- obviously I am feeling incredibly insecure, incapable, slothlike and inhuman, a societal slug, especially when most of what I interview for (and don’t get) are positions my degree (from an ivy, thanks) overqualifies me for… but I don’t have any connections, really, so my plan has been to try to pick up a entrylevel at a good place and work my way up.
He’s made all of his $$ as a recruiter on wall st, so he has a lot of HR connections at the top companies, but he’s been encouraging me to branch out and try to find a job based on my merit, and I didn’t expect any help from him at all. Recently, though, it’s my 5th straight month unemployed and I’m getting more and more depressed and apathetic about it, so he’s been working on my resume with me and calling some people on my behalf, so while I didn’t start out with the plan to use him at all (except for good advice), now that opportunity is knocking it’s just another part of my life tied up with him that will fall apart if I break it off.
I hardly think that counts as sleeping my way to a job, but I appreciate the automatic negative assumption about my character. Thanks for that.
I am not worried about owing him a favor. He’s not the type who gets petulant over who owes who; he’s more controlling than that, sees what he does for me, when he does a favor, as his “duty” as a man to take care of the girl he’s dating, like a sort of superficial chivalry. He’d never demand anything “in return” and derides the sort of men who would. It’s an ego boost. His pride would not allow it.
Ain’t no one said that you went out with him to get goodies. All we’re saying is that getting goodies now shouldn’t be something that enters the decision process when you decide whether or not to dump him.
Well, in theory no, but in the real world, yes. I don’t want to give up the guy I’ve been seeing for a year AND my only solid possibility for a job right now after months of unemployment. I’m not going to just ignore that fact as if it doesn’t exist. If I had had a job this whole time, I might not have even felt vulnerable enough to put myself in this situation in the first place. Dealing with the job thing first and then with the man seems the best order to dig myself out of this hole. It’s not about “goodies”. I do not date men for “goodies”.
I genuinely like this man and it will be hard enough to break up as it is. Now I regret even mentioning the employment; I only mentioned it as a complicating factor that prevents me from storming over right now and creating a massive conflict over his behavior as many have advised I do.