Guys, do you introduce the girls you're dating to one another?

[WhyNot]

@Lemur866

I don’t know why everyone is jumping all over the boyfriend in this story. What exactly has he done wrong? He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want a monogamous relationship, he will continue seeing his “ex” until doomsday, will almost certainly have sex with any other 20-something woman who falls for his moves, and wants to set up a threesome with the various women he’s fucking.

No, he’s made it “clear” that he’s “veered away from her and more towards me, promising me sexual exclusivity (whereas before he was fucking both of us and I knew it and was very angsty over it) and telling me that, while he’s not “dating” the other one anymore per se, they’re still close friends.”

*The posters in this thread *have made it clear that he’s a lying douchebag OR the OP is deluding herself (with some help from him, sure.) Either he hasn’t been clear and honest at all, or the OP isn’t being honest with herself, or she isn’t being honest with us. We’re all line-between readin’ here figurin’ out who’s not being honest, and most folks think it’s him.

All starfishfillet has to do is decide whether to put up with this behavior, embrace this behavior, or take a hike. She knows exactly what this guy is up for, she knows he is incapable of giving her an exclusive relationship, no matter what he told her, she must know that he’s not going to always tell her the truth. So if she’s willing to throw away her pride, dignity, and self-respect with her eyes wide open, why not?
:dubious:

I agree.
Oh, and as for the actual question in the title? I’ve met probably a quarter of my husband’s girlfriends, and it is awkward, even when one is in an honest and open open relationship.

[starfishfillet]

@Maastricht

You taking pride in your intelligence and your reasonability makes you especially vulnerable to a particular kind of manipulation.
“Oh, you’re so smart”, your lover will say. “You are not dumb and narrowminded and irrational like all those women with their “emotions” and their demands. That’s why I like you so much. At least I can explain to you why what we are doing is perfectly allright, in fact, is much better then what all those other narrowminded people do. You’re one of they few who understands.”

Man, that’s exactly it, too. Any show of emotion is “chickish” and immature. He constantly refers to how the girls he’s dated before stepped all over him and how he’s looking for a “sane” one.

Also, it’s not as if he’s telling me it’s an open relationship, either. He goes on about how he wants monogamy and, according to him, he’s only screwed about 10 girls in his life, been in long-term relationships for a majority of it.

The other girl he’s seeing is much more controllable than I am, and he brags about how she would marry him tomorrow if he asked, how she has agreed not to drink when not in his presence (!), and has sworn not to fuck other guys even through the incredibly hypocrisy of him screwing me in front of her eyes. Even I’m not THAT much of a pussy.

This is my first longish relationship, I know it’s not an excuse, but maybe an explanation as to why I was believeing this crap he’s pulling… it all seemed plausible enough…

[Lemur866]

Heh. What is truth?

Of course he didn’t literally tell her “the truth”, as in, words that were actually true. Yeah, technically he lied. But his lies were so bare-faced and obvious and unbelievable, I content they should be counted as telling a higher variety of truth.

When someone pisses on your leg and tells you it’s raining, are they really lying? Or rather giving you a face-saving way to accept being pissed on? You agree to pretend to believe the lies, he agrees not to embarass you by stating the literal truth. It’s selfless, in a way. You know that he knows that you know that he knows that you know the truth, but his lies enable both of you…wait, I mean “the three of you”, to keep seeing each other. And isn’t that the important thing?

[scotandrsn]

@starfishfillet

…he brags about how she…has sworn not to fuck other guys even through the incredibly hypocrisy of him screwing me in front of her eyes. Even I’m not THAT much of a pussy.

@starfishfillet

Well, it’s not as if we were “exclusive” right away, I was seeing other people and he was seeing this other girl, but I settled down and started seeing only him before he was willing to give her up-

I’m not seriously trying to get you to drop another F-Bomb in the wrong forum, SFF, but this is precisely as much of pussy, to use your own term, you give every indication of behaving like, depsite your own perception of why you’re doing what you’re doing. And as long as you keep doing him, he doesn’t have to regard why you’re doing it with any higher regard than he grants to his other girlfriend (?given the circumstances you describe, I have a hard time considering her an “ex”)

Lessee…(scribbling) SFF is 23, so she was born in 1982-3, most people have kids between about 20 and 40, so her parents were probably born between 1942 and 1962…

AHA! I bet you were raised by Baby Boomers! They had all sorts of fucked up ideas about what sort of relationships were or could be normal, and some of that seems to have seeped into your head.

For evidence that monogamous pair-bonding is the norm for humans, despite little or no evidence to the contrary, one need look no farther than the post where someone says that even though they are in an “honest and open” marriage, it’s still awkward to meet their husband’s girlfriends, i.e. it’s great that you’re sleeping with another woman, except when I have to confront the fact that there is an actual flesh-and-blood other woman involved. It’s all horseshit.

Hang around a few six-year-olds, and realize how much your vastly greater life experience and knowledge gives you over them. Think of the things you could get them to do just because you can. That how your BF sees you, and that’s how you will see 23-year-olds when you are his age.

You think maybe you shouldn’t feel bad about the way ghe treats you, forgetting that it’s perfectly normal that being used as a tool should make you feel lousy. Just ask a hammer.

[delphica]

@starfishfillet

The other girl he’s seeing is much more controllable than I am, and he brags about how she would marry him tomorrow if he asked, how she has agreed not to drink when not in his presence (!), and has sworn not to fuck other guys even through the incredibly hypocrisy of him screwing me in front of her eyes. Even I’m not THAT much of a pussy.

Um, okay. Now that, to me, crosses the line into just plain demented. As you point out, you’re not that much of a pussy, but you seem to be willing to date someone who treats others that way. I don’t mean this to sound too harsh, but if I was in your situation, that would give me pause – not only questioning his behavior (what kind of dolt BRAGS about that, much less goes down that path to begin with?), but looking at what my choice of partner says about me. From everything you’ve described, I think this guy is Bad News.

[RickJay]

@starfishfillet

This is my first longish relationship, I know it’s not an excuse, but maybe an explanation as to why I was believeing this crap he’s pulling… it all seemed plausible enough…

It’s been a day. Have you dumped him yet?

When I suggest you “dump him,” I don’t mean, like, you stop sleeping with him but you still go out, yadda yadda. You never see him again, ever. Find a decent guy, there’s lots of them out there.

[parrot_recipes]

I don’t see what kind of wake up call you will need on this one. What if he admitted he sleeps with the other woman? If he is speaking disparagingly about her to you, he isn’t nice to begin with, most people don’t discuss their exes, but he is for certain speaking that way about you to her.
I don’t think we can help you, here. Stay with him if you want, or leave, up to you.

[Carlyjay]

Starfishfillet:

I know this is upsetting to you and I’m sure you have strong feelings about this fellow or you wouldn’t have put up with this crap for so long. But let’s get down to business. He’s a 40-year-old man who is manipulating two young women who, frankly, ought to be dating someone better.

This guy is a loser. No, I don’t know him. I don’t HAVE to know him. Your story alone proves it. He’s not worth your time, nor the other girl’s. Get out now, cut your losses (but I think soon enough you’ll see he’s no loss at all) and find someone younger who is less of an asshole.

[WhyNot]

@scotandrsn

For evidence that monogamous pair-bonding is the norm for humans, despite little or no evidence to the contrary, one need look no farther than the post where someone says that even though they are in an “honest and open” marriage, it’s still awkward to meet their husband’s girlfriends, i.e. it’s great that you’re sleeping with another woman, except when I have to confront the fact that there is an actual flesh-and-blood other woman involved. It’s all horseshit.

Oh, good! So that means everyone can stop going on blind dates, too, because I find those REALLY awkward! And meeting my husband’s friends from college - I really dread doing that, because they’re always taking about the good ol’ days that I know nothing about and I feel awkward and like I don’t know what to say. (Hmm, same exact reason I find meeting his girlfriends awkward, come to think of it.) What else can we find that is not the norm (and bad, I sense from your post) for humans because they make me feel awkward? Well, job interviews, certainly. Medical tests - damn, those are pretty bad feeling, so obviously they’re not the way we’re “intended” to be. Dental care, of course, no question. Bras. I think bras are very awkward, and Not the Natural Order of Things.

I mean, since my feelings are the arbiter of what’s Right and Proper for all of humanity. I wasn’t previously aware of that. Cool.

(Yes, in case your sarcasm meter is broken, Dear Reader, that was indeed sarcasm.)

[elfbabe]

starfishfillet, you can do better. I’m certain of it. And I’m basing this solely on the fact that you’re a 23-year-old human female capable of forming complete sentences. Even if you’re ugly and smell funny and pick your nose in public.

[Caridwen]

@Gigi

:eek: That hadn’t crossed my mind.

The only reason I thought that was because I was wondering how someone his age could talk someone much younger into something like this so readily.
It crossed my mind that maybe he was in a position of authority already so it was much easier to get someone to go along with this.
Starfishfillet, I’d take him up on his offer of meeting the other woman but without him present. See if what he’s telling you jibes with what he’s been handing her.
I’d still like to know the answer to how the other woman was conveniently standing outside the restaurant while the two of you were having dinner waiting to be summoned by this guy for a meet.

I’m really curious about this guy. Is he great looking or fabulously wealthy or something? He’s gotta have something going to have two women competing for him for over a year.

[parrot_recipes]

I doubt that, if he were handsome or wealthy, he’d be able to keep the two apart, and there’d be more, maybe.
He just sees women with a need for what he offers and offers that, whatever it may be at the time.
I’m stumped.

[kittenblue]

I’m with all the other posters on this…dump and run and change your number and your locks. But you still haven’t answered the burning question…was this poor girl sitting outside the restaraunt during your entire meal, and didn’t that cross your mind when he brought her in to meet you?
And don’t believe him if he says she sleeps over but they don’t have sex. Talk to her.

[parrot_recipes]

Then he’d accuse her of being suspicious.

[Kent_Clark]

@scotandrsn

Lessee…(scribbling) SFF is 23, so she was born in 1982-3, most people have kids between about 20 and 40, so her parents were probably born between 1942 and 1962…

AHA! I bet you were raised by Baby Boomers! They had all sorts of fucked up ideas about what sort of relationships were or could be normal, and some of that seems to have seeped into your head.

Wait a minute! I’m a Boomer with a 23-year old daughter.

What would I say if my daughter came to me for advice?

“He’s an asshole, and it’s better you find out now than later. Dump him.”

[starfishfillet]

Okay I’m going to answer all of your questions!

He is, in fact, handsome and wealthy. But he’s also educated from u of chicago, a published author, very intelligent and capable, courteous to waitstaff, clean apartment, likes fishing so he take you out on long island sound on his boat, etc etc. A lot of plusses. A lot of minuses, obviously, but plusses exist.

We met online, he said he was 32 and he looks young, very fit, all his hair, and I believed him- then I found out he was 40 but, by that time, we were getting on well, so it would have been stupid to make a big deal out of it (which I realize was another one of his tricks, obviously, b/c I never would have considered going out with someone so old if he’d told the truth upfront).

Plus, meeting someone well-read and intellectually interesting was a huge thing for me, and I was willing to forgive a lot b/c of it.

I don’t know why people can’t figure out the restaurant thing- he obviously had told her to meet him there at five so, when we were heading out, she was there to meet up with him and go to the family event. She didn’t know I was there, clearly.

But I did call her and set up a coffee thing on wednesday, so we’ll both know everything from both sides soon enough. I’m looking forward to it…

[starfishfillet]

Oh, and I also forgot to mention that there’s been this crazy woman stalking me and warning me against him through anonymous emails and phone calls since we met.

But that’s bizarre and not very relevent.

[Rilchiam]

@starfishfillet

likes fishing so he take you out on long island sound on his boat

Waitaminit…Didn’t we have a thread like this a few weeks ago?

[parrot_recipes]

@starfishfillet

Okay I’m going to answer all of your questions!

He is, in fact, handsome and wealthy. But he’s also educated from u of chicago, a published author, very intelligent and capable, courteous to waitstaff, clean apartment, likes fishing so he take you out on long island sound on his boat, .

Its CECIL ADAMS!!!

[Rubystreak]

@starfishfillet

But I did call her and set up a coffee thing on wednesday, so we’ll both know everything from both sides soon enough. I’m looking forward to it…

You must come back here and tell us what happens. It should be very interesting.

You have anonymous women telling you to dump him (how does this character know who you are?), he lied about his age, and he ambushed you with his other woman, who he is taking to his family gatherings and who sleeps over. Argh! Being a published author with a boat doesn’t make up for even one of those?!?

Have you made any decisions about what you’re going to do? I sure hope so. Keep us posted.