Guys: Ever date a girl who was hard to get? What happened?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I went after a girl who was hard to get - She kept me at arm’s length (metaphorically-speaking) for about a year, and I maintained a close but non-threatening presence. Little things, like making sure I smiled at her every time I saw her, greeting her warmly first time I saw her each day, being readily and easily available whenever she needed help with anything, and so on, without hovering or circling like a vulture.

I dated, lightly - you know, just fun and companionship, with occasional sex, a couple other girls in the meanwhile. The softly, softly approach paid off - There came a day when she had an extra pass to a special traveling museum exhibit, and my name was the one that was in her mind. Again, softly-softly. A few days afterwards, she invited me back to her place, and after that, she wasn’t hard to get anymore. Unfortunately, we weren’t really good for each other, as much fun as we had together - we tended to bring out bad behaviors in each other, and so split while we were still friends.

22

OK, here’s a tale of wooing and winning.

Back during the Korean War, I was stationed in an army hospital in Japan. I became quite attracted to a Japanese girl who worked there, and we chatted whenever we met. We seemed to have similar interests. This kept on for some time, but she wisely and steadfastly refused to go out with any GI, including me.

Fortunately, one of my friends was a Nisei who was dating one of her best friends. The two of them finally persuaded her to go out with me on double dates.

This continued for some time until she eventually agreed to go out with me alone. We went sightseeing, on picnics, to nice restaurants, to art exhibits and galleries, etc until I guess she decided I wasn’t a serial rapist or otherwise too dangerous.

Six months later we were married. That was 55 years ago, and we’re still together.

23

I’m beginning to think this might be the case. As others have noted, she HAS said we could go out solo, the problem is she works the days I have off, and vice-versa. Plus, she’s a hard woman to pin down. She is the epicenter of her group of friends; everyone gathers at HER house, everyone invites HER to everything, etc. She’s not ignoring me, but I might need to be a bit more forceful. So far this is not progressing the way I would expect to if she really liked me, but at the same time, I am not getting any signals to back off. (We have mutual friends who would definitely tell me if that were the case.)
What I really need is to just sit and talk to her about it. She’s a mature adult and extremely intelligent, and I know we could communicate well if we did that. But I can’t jsut call her (she never answers her phone, and she’s that way with everyone, not just me) and there’s the schedule problem.
I have been hanging out with her in group settings though, and that seems to be the path of least resistance. Not sure what, if anything, that means.

KlondikeGeoff, that’s a GREAT story!

24

I should add that my overall impression is that patence in this situation could be rewarded. I don’t think she’s used to men taking an interest in her, and may just not be sure how to respond. But certainly impatience is the wrong way to go.

25

Yah I have one too. In college I was in the lunch line at the cafeteria when this cute as hell thin (yet wiry-strong) brunette walks in. It was like “Your Type!” was flashing in bold neon colors across her back (her jacket in fact had several wildlife/wild places patches which for me the bird nut was basically the same thing). She seemed very into me that day too (at one point she whispered back to her friend, who was teasing her about her hair or something, “Not now I’m trying to talk to this cute guy!”). Needless to say I thought I had died and gone to Heaven.

Instead I was on a very long road to Hell. After a few minor dates here and there she proceeded to completely jerk me around and back again. We were eating lunch one day and she starts to play footsies with me under the table, but when I respond in kind she all of a sudden started to withdraw and shrink back, and I was like “What the fuck did I do?” Despite all these BS games she played she was nevertheless so alluring to me in various ways that I persisted despite myself.

This went on for several months, until we exchanged a few heated emails, where in the last one she in no unambiguous terms stated that everything had to be done her way, no exceptions, from dating to kissing to screwing (no we never got past first base either). At that point I finally wised up and told her that she had to get over her fear and anger or she will forevermore be alone, and ended it all right there. She never wrote back to me or anything.

26

And IME jerking your chain.

I may sound a bit bitter but this was a sore spot for me for a long time. I was one of the proverbial “nice guys”. I eventually discovered that all it was getting me is a peck on the cheek while she went off to fuck someone else. As an experiment I started dialing up the demands a bit and if she wasn’t interested in spending the night by date #3, end of story. Amazingly enough my 3rd date conversion ratio was quite high, my wife still calls me a slut because of it. After years of being taken for a drag with the occasional score suddenly I was rarely going more than a couple weeks without getting any. There were only 2 exceptions to the 3rd date rule and they both spent the night but backed off on actual sex, both of them did have sex with me on date 4.

27

I can certainly sympathize, but I know this woman is definitely not going off to fuck someone else. We are both part of a large group of nosy friends; no way would I be unaware of any other men in her life.

I am not approaching her as a woman who I want to get into bed; I’m approaching her as a woman I want to have a real relationship with. That’s not to say I’m not physically attracted to her, but there’s more to it than that. I’m walking a fine line here; she is much more vital to the life of the group than I am, and if I mess this up (to say nothing of her OWN reticence) life would become rather awkward for me. So I am willing to go slow and carefully–up to a point. my instincts tell me this is the right way to go, but my patience IS starting to wear thin.

28

Years back, I met an incredibly attractive woman who (incredibly) seemed very attracted to me. It happened that we shared a few interests, as well. We started seeing a lot of each other, but from the start her rather flighty nature interfered. She could (and often did) switch from hot passion to total indifference or vice-versa in a second–for little or no apparent reason. But still I kept trying to make things work, somehow.

I gave up on her after a misunderstanding. I came to pick her up to go out and she was really pissed at me. Eventually I was able to get her to tell me why. It seemed that a friend told her that a friend told her that a friend told her…that I had told someone that I was sleeping with her. (I had said no such thing.)

What bothered me was that she wasn’t pissed because she thought I had talked about our relationship, but because she was embarrassed that other people thought she was having sex with me. I mean, way to make a guy feel studly (not).

After that I avoided her, but she started going to places she knew I’d be and trying to monopolize me–as if we were still together. Basically stalking me. This went on until one time I saw a way to get the message to her. An ex-girlfriend of mine was at a party and I got her to pretend we were together. When the Flake showed up we were hanging on each other and kissing and groping like we used to when we really were going out.

She loudly confronted me in front of everybody. She said that we were through and taunted me that I would never get to have her fantastic body ever again. She dared me to deny that she was the best lay I had ever had.

In front of the totally silent crowd I cleared my throat and said, “You seem to have forgotten. You never did put out for me. That’s why I dumped you.”

I can’t begin to describe the expressions that crossed her face before she ran out. I never saw her again.

29

Rich I can definitely relate. Why do some women (ok, people) act like this, I would really want to know.

30

Because they can get away with it. It’s as simple as that, and one of the few things in life that really is that simple.

31

I didn’t get her. :frowning:

Her loss. :wink:

32

Personally, I agree with drachillix. After a long time chasing uninterested women, I’ve decided on one thing. Any chick who is interested in you will make time for a date. Paris Hilton (when she gets out of the slammer) will find time to have a nice quiet dinner with you, and you alone, if she digs you.

She doesn’t answer her phone, though somehow she winds up with a chock full schedule. She can’t accept an invitation to hang out with you, but can accept invitations from other friends, which fills up her time.

If she wanted to go on a date with you, she’d accept your invite and decline theirs, it’s really not that hard to do.

I can imagine valid reasons to play hard to get, but “busy with friends” isn’t one of them.

33

While I agree, it’s not as if women have a lock on assholish behavior. Think of all the guys who cheat on, beat up, ignore, or otherwise abuse the women who care for them. Yeah, it sucks getting jerked around by a woman, but relationships between the sexes are a two way street.

Regarding my own situation, we are going out Wednesday. happy dance

34

Yeah, getting jerked around that way is bad from either side.

And good for you!

35

I met this attrective woman, and we went out, and she was nice, intelligent, and witty, and we had some common interests, etc. Things were going well.

Then, I would call her on or about Tuesday to chat and ask her out for the following weekend.

Granted, she was a nurse and kept an odd schedule, but she would often say, “I have to check my schedule.”

She would call me or I would call her a day or two later to chat some more. After some “getting to know you better” chat, and knowing that she had been to work, I would ask if she had checked her schedule. She kept saying that she hadn’t. Then, Thursday or Friday would come, and we would end up going out on Saturday.

Repeat.

I was very much into her, and I think she knew it, and took advantage of that.

Eventually, she decided to sleep with me. However, without getting into details, the things we did weren’t “mutual” and I did everything and she did nothing and she never reciprocated, claimig she “wasn’t ready.” I felt so used! :slight_smile:

Being somewhat infatuated, it took me a while to realize that she was probably waiting for something “better” to come along before booking me for a Friday or Saturday night date. She was probably holding out until Thursday night to make her weekend plans.

The “sleep-over” was my wake-up call to end it all right there. I stopped calling. I think she called me a couple times, but I ignored it.

She saw me in passing at a public event and told me she wanted to talk to me. I said “hi” but never got around to talking to her. And that was that.

36

I agree, but it’s not quite so cut and dried. Keep in mind she is close friends with these other people, and I am just some guy she didn’t know at all until recently. She has never said she was “busy with friends”; I haven’t pressed the issue much (i.e., really trying to get a date) because I thought I’d hang out with her group and see how it went. It apparently is going well–see my last post. :slight_smile:

37

Well, actually, I was the girl, but I was not ‘playing’ at anything.

I had been away traveling and had returned secure in the self awareness that I would likely never successfully partner. Oh, I’d get laid and all, but I didn’t seem to have what it took to actually find a life long partner. My parents relationship was enormously dysfunctional, and I didn’t want that. My siblings had all walked down the aisle and ended up in divorce court, bitter and angry sadly unable to move beyond it. I sure didn’t want that. While I was away on that holiday I decided I would probably be alone through my life, with possible short relationships but no successes. I also returned knowing I wanted to do a lot more traveling and pretty certain getting mixed up with some boy would only get in the way of that. That’s where I was at when I was 28 yrs old.

So I come back to my homeland get a job in a bar and start saving for my next holiday. I met this guy, lots of fun, charming, huge hit with the ladies, almost 10yrs older than I, and showing no signs of changing his stripes. From where I sat, he looked like someone I could have a lot of fun with sans fear of serious involvement cropping up. And so we went out, and we had some fun, really good fun, if you catch my drift. It was enough for me.

So one night he calls me up and asks if I’m all alone. I tell him I am wherein he coyly asks if I want him to come over. I just wasn’t that girl, I was just fine on my own. So I said, brightly, no I’m okay. Well it turns out he wasn’t really accustom to that sort of response. Didn’t take it all that well.

From that moment forward he seemed to spend all his time trying to get under my skin. I was spending all my time trying to keep him at arms length. We were having a great time together, the sex was awesome, but I truly did not want a partner, just a little fun. I figured it was okay as guys do it all the time. And it wasn’t like I’d selected a ‘nice guy, shy guy, sweet guy’ who would be hurt. This guy was a player, so it seemed okay to me. I was also very up front about it all.

Of course, that was over 22 yrs ago now, we still laugh about it to this day. When people would accuse me of liking him, in the early days, I would respond; “I like brussel sprouts better than him. He’s a no good, black hearted, son-of-a-bitch. And I hate brussel sprouts!”

We spent many years traveling all over the world together, if I’d set out to find such a man I’m certain to have failed. In fact, when I met him, he’d never even been to Florida!

I wasn’t ‘playing’ hard to get, but I was.

38

You expected a woman to fuck you by the third date? That’s sweet.

39

I don’t think that counts as “hard to get,” elbows. You weren’t playing a game; you really didn’t care whether he “got” you or not.

40

Another story from the “hard to get” girl’s perspective.

Around X-mas I met a guy who started asking me out. He asked me out every day and I kept turning him down because he was too young for me. Every day he phoned me, and every day I turned him down. We’re talking about 60 turn downs.

About two months of this later we were talking and he said he was going out with a 19 year old. I wished him a good time. He said he would rather go out with me. I said “Well, I suppose I could go out with you sometime.” thinking I was safe because he was going out with a 19 year old.

He hung up on me, and called me back about 5 mintues later and said “Ok, I cancelled with her. What time should I pick you up?”

He just moved in to my condo. :slight_smile:

So, don’t give up hope just because the gal turns you down 60 odd times.