Not about the fact that it does bother some people. It’s not necessarilly a good idea; it wasn’t in Reuben’s case. The fact that she insisted on it despite him being uncomfortable is…really really rude, at best.
But speaking for myself, as far as benefits being non-existant… loving someone means wanting to know them. And knowing them means knowing about their sexuality. And what they’ve done sexually, just as much as knowing where they’ve worked or what music they’ve loved or etc. etc.
I want to know that stuff about my SO because I want to know HIM.
I would also include under the catagory Benefits of Such a Discussion “turning each other on”. Obviously not the case for Reuben but certainly been for me and mine .
I feel both those things! The first one particularly so… it’s probably #2 or #3 on the list. Our sex life is (or was) absolutely superb, I just was never that ‘lucky’ or sexually motivated until she came along. She, on the other hand, has had an extremely active sex life since adolescence and has AFAIK never been single and cheated on all but one of her former partners (her husband).
It’s weird how I don’t understand my own feelings until someone else suggests things …
Undoubtedly so, for many different reasons. I am pretty desperate to make it work though. She needs me, and her kids need her, and I’d have trouble living with myself if I didn’t make Herculean efforts to keep things stable.
Oh dear. I don’t know what Scum had in mind but…er…there are quite a few possible sexual activites in which his size wouldn’t matter…there are in fact, quite a few sexual activities that don’t involve a penis (!). Shocking but true.
(Not that this part of the discussion is helping Reuben much…sorry Reuben…)
Woah, stability is crucial if there are children involved. Whether or not they sprung for Reuben’s loins, he has taken on the responsibility of being their father, and I for one commend him on his attempt to work out his feelings here as a first step, rather than selfishly saying “hang it all” and running away.
This is a first step only, though. We cannot and should not replace professional counseling, which can help you uncover more of your real feelings, Reuben, and help with how to deal with it in your real life. We don’t have the story even an hour of talking could provide, or the visual and physical cues that could help us help you probe deeper. And once you have your own feelings more or less sorted out, it’s time for you and your wife to do work together to salvage your relationship.
Ther personal service announcement brought to you by Someone Who’s Been There [sup]TM[/sup]
I guess I’m in the minority to say that yes, this would bother me. I guess I’m just insecure, but even the idea of a girl I’m interested in telling me that gives me the willies.
I’m not male. But personally, I’m jealous about everything. You name it, it bothers me. My SO knows this, and if he ever told me anything like this, I’d probably cry and whine “WHYYYYYYYY did you think I needed to know that?” over and over again, and try to come up with a similar story for revenge. So hell yes, I’d be jealous.
I agree with brightpenny.
Like say you were female and had a boyfriend who always made a big deal about how he’d never have casual sex, that kind of thing didn’t interest him, if he was single he would masturbate with no problem, yada yada. Then say you found his profile on adultfriendfinder and discovered that in the past he was a) looking for casual sex, b) looking for sex with couples and c) looking for group sex - three things he said he was never interested in. Sure, maybe it’s none of your business what he did in the past, but now you are forced to think of him as a liar and you wonder what else he’s saying is a lie. Finding out someone is not what you originally thought can force a very painful adjustment that some relationships can’t survive.
Sorry I’m telling you what you already know. Reading this thread has been a wee bit therapeutic for me, as well. I hope you come out ahead.
You’re desperate to make it work? Why? Here’s what we know so far from you: She’s a fat, needy, abusive, cheating hosebag with kids. You provide money, foot massages, validation of her ego, babysitting, and an ear into which she can piss. Yet you’re the one desperate to make it work. Dude, is the pussy that good? Is it because you like feeling needed? If it was me, I’d be out of there so fast I’d cause a sonic boom and leave a vapor trail, but I guess we all do things differently. IAC, you don’t sound happy and the present situation doesn’t seem like one in which happiness is even a possibility.
There are aspects of the OP’s story that bother me:
Why in god’s name, if they were hurrying so she could get to class, would he want to play bukkake-boy with her? Wouldn’t that, like, make her even later for class because she’d have to clean up?
Why, if semen did get her in the eye, would it make her eyes red? It’s not exactly a caustic substance, certainly no saltier than tears.
Where in the world were they, that she had dirt on her knees?
Why would people immediately assume she’d been having sex, oral or otherwise, on the evidence of red-rimmed eyes and dirty knees? Geez, she might have fallen down.
All those questions asked, I must say, this kind of story would not make me jealous. After 13 years of marriage I still don’t want to hear about other experiences my husband had before me, and I don’t tell him about experiences before him. They’re none of his business/none of my business. They were between he and another woman, or me and another man, and they have nothing to do with us as a couple. I might well feel sick, yes, but not jealous. And I would want to know why he felt compelled to tell me - catharsis maybe? Guilt? Trying to get a reaction? But that’s different from what you’re asking.
I want to make it work mostly because I adore her kids. Scumpup hit the nail there … I need to be needed by them, and I am hopelessly addicted to the tremendous affection we have. I am not their “father”, cos he’s alive and well and has them about 40% of the time and lives just around the corner, but in the past 18 months I have formed one hell of a bond with them. The elder child came up with “fatherly friend” as her descriptive term for me when other grown-ups in her life (teachers, other children’s parents) get nosy about me.
I also still love my SO, though its not what it was when we started, and I have frequently had cause to wish that I didn’t.
At least partially, yes. I do tend to avoid conflict wherever possible. I never could stand the shouting and screaming, etc.
A some point in the relationship a lot of women do this re the “I was a very bad girl and did very nasty things, and here are the details” monologue and I’ve never quite understood why. It generally makes the male SO quite uncomfortable, and can even cost them the relationship in some scenarios if the man is really put off by the story, but for some reason they’ve got to tell these stories.
Women feeling compelled to this is enough of stereotype that the late Sam Kinnison even had a riiff about it.
I had a girlfriend who would occasionally describe episodes from her sexual past in graphic detail, and it would always bother me a bit. Of course I knew she’d been with several partners before me, but it wasn’t something I wanted to dwell on, and the fact that she kept bringing up the subject (often quite casually and for no apparent reason) made it difficult to focus on the present. I couldn’t help but wonder if she was testing or provoking me in some way. I’d had plenty of wild and crazy sex with my previous girlfriend, but I never felt compelled to voluteer details. It just seemed like bad form.
I chose not to discuss the issue with her, mainly because I didn’t want to seem like the insecure, jealous male. But looking back, I probably should have confronted her – more often than not I’d just seethe quietly, which wasn’t very healthy for our relationship (or my emotional well-being).
I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that none of the women I’ve dated have ever fucked a stranger on a toilet. call me crazy but I try to screen out the toilet humping crowd before the dating process begins.
As someone with a freakishly-huge penis I can tell you that it’s not all glamour and glory. About half of my potential sex partners turn me down flat after glancing at the Bangers & Mash because they didn’t want to become a cunt-plegic needing reconstructive pelvic surgery and a couple of liters of her matching blood type so they can begin the long walk down the road of physical therapy. Have you ever been in the ‘throws’ of passion and stopped just short of your Arthur C. Clarke Memorial Fuck because something about your penis alarmed your partner? You think you walk away from that feeling ‘simply the best, better than all the rest’ or do you think you walk away from that with a high-balling freight train set of blue balls?
Women who do have sex with me insist I be extra, extra gentle and I can never allow myself to go full-on for fear of hurting someone. Guys at the gym think I’m a freak of nature.
You got an axe to grind? I’m fuckin’ Paul Bunyan over here.
Any chance you were asking too many pointed questions and she made up the story just to give you something to really think about? If not, then I think Hampshire might be onto something.
.