Well, he has a huge John Henry. 
Either that or they’ve had the good sense not to relate their stranger-in-a-toilet humping moments to you.
And another thing!
This woman had an almighty go at me a few weeks ago when she found a big box of condoms, only one left, in a hidden pocket of a suitcase she thought I’d used. My, how the accusations flew!
She felt pretty stupid when she realised/remembered they actually belonged to her husband, the last person to use that suitcase, and they came from at least 2 years previously when they were together and that was their preferred contraception method. They were hers all along!
No, I can’t see this lasting much longer. There’s a dozen other things as well.
Euthanasiast: Yes I can see that it would cause genuine difficulties, and you have my sympathies… assuming, of course, that you can explain where you were on the night of… nah, just kidding! On the bright side, at least you don’t have that particular insecurity following you through life. I guess the grass is always greener.
Who is Paul Bunyan anyway? I don’t want to Google from work in case he’s a pron star or something…
Work safe link. To paraphrase Euthanasiast: whatever penis-related troubles you got, I got a bigger one. Whatever size axe you’ve got, Paul Bunyan’s was bigger.
This is the best thread I’ve read in a long time! Interesting personal anecdotes, practical life advice, hilarious jokes…this one’s got it all.
The drawback, of course, is that this fascinating thread stems from ReubenH’s mental anguish. I’m giggling my ass off over here, but at the same time, Reuben, I’m truly sorry you’re having to deal with this. I think Scumpup’s post #90 is worthy of some very serious consideration.
Gaaahhh. The story she told you about Mr. Is-That-A-Panzerfaust-In-Your-Pocket-Or-Are-You-Just-Happy-To-See-Me? would appear to be just the maraschino cherry atop the shit sundae she is serving you. How much of it do you intend to eat? You need to consider your own good here. The kids may like you very much, even love you, but they have a father who (based on what you’ve told us) is involved with their lives. Do they “need” you so much that you must stay and function as this woman’s emotional tampon? If I were you, at the very least I’d take a little vacation from this scene. I had the misfortune to marry an abusive, obsessive-compulsive psychobitch. You know what part I regret the most? The time I pissed away by staying and putting up with her shit well after I knew the right thing was to get out.
“Emotion tampon”. I like that and I’m going to steal it :).
Yeah, I have to say, knowing that the kids’ father is still well in the picture, as well as getting further details from Reuben, means that I’m changing my tune a bit. Sounds like you love her kids more than her, and if Jerry Maguire taught us anything, it’s that we shouldn’t shoplift the pootie.
My own mother dated only one man after divorcing my father. He loved me (not in a sick way) a whole lot, but the two of them drove each other nuts. So he became my second dad, and her good friend, but they severed their romantic relationship. He continued to take me camping, rafting, to father/daughter dances, Indian princesses and the like. He taught me how to drive (manual transmission, no less!) and was there to take pictures as I left for Prom. He was always there for me to talk, vent or philosophize to. He’s been another Dad for me, even though my own bio-father was (and is) still in the picture. It can be done.
I always thought of Paul Bunyan as a top, but you learn something every day.
That’s a very good point, when you put it like that…
That’s what’s happening, right now. In an seperate, even more depressing development in my life, I am leaving work in an hour or so to travel cross-country to bid a sorrowful Adieu to my dying grandfather who has stopped taking food and drink and isn’t expected to live more than another week. He was a wise old chap, and my dearest relative by far, and it just plain sucks to be me right now.
I will be offline for a while and probably won’t be near an internet-enabled PC until I return some time next week. I’d just like to reiterate my thanks to everyone who posted, not only for the advice and laughs which are appreciated extremely, but for making me feel a little less alone.
Chin up, me ol’ china. Remember that although today was a beshitted mess, there’s another day just like it coming up tomorrow.
It does sound to me like she has issues. I hope your sad visit is a good one, Reuben --and I second the counselling advice.
The relationship does sound lopsided, but perhaps communication could improve it. good luck, whatever you choose.
And please address my ignorance: what is a pearl necklace? (in reference to the good head gone wrong post upthread).
Cumshot around a woman’s neck and chest area. Where pearls of sperm are draped across her neck like a necklace
I know it’s fun to bash on ReubenH’s woman and say she has issues, is needy and paranoid, etc., but I’m going to take the unpopular tack and go the other way for a moment.
Since ReubenH says
I’m guessing that she wasn’t always a needy, abusive, paranoid bitch. It used to be better, you said. I daresay this isn’t uncommon in relationships; at first it’s easy to give your SO the attention and emotional feedback she needs.
Evidently her behavior has changed over time, growing worse. She is more insecure now than she had been. Does her insecurity and neediness cause you to withdraw from her? That could make her insecurity worse, not better.
What else has changed over time? Are you still as affectionate towards her as you were at the beginning? Do you show this daily? Do you express yourself to her, give her cards, call her during the day, and so on?
It sounds to me as you’re devoting much love and energy to her kids. Are you spending more time loving them than her? If so, this might possibly make her feel like second banana, as if you don’t care about her as much any longer, make her more insecure, make you draw away, which makes her even more insecure, etc.
You mentioned this particular incident with Long Duk Dong because it made you uncomfortable. Has she been asking about your past in other ways? Has she been asking you questions, probing you, digging into your past? She may just be telling you about her past because she wants you to feel you know her intimately and is trying to create a connection with you.
Okay, that’s just a guess. I could be way off with my guesses here, and taking her side may well get me excoriated. The one thing I can say is that there seems to be something else going on here, especially as it wasn’t always this way but it has changed since she’s known you. It couldn’t hurt to look at your own behaviors to see if they could have produced in her the change you’ve seen.
It also couldn’t hurt to try, just for a week, to pay her more attention. Call her from work, call her from your cross-country trip, give her a card, do some gushy romantical type stuff for her.
And hey, if you’re serious about keeping the relationship together, there’s always counseling for that. There may be something here that’s bigger than the portion you’re seeing.
As for the poster who said that the best way to deal with uncomfortable conversations is to get up and leave the room, I say don’t. That’s not how adults communicate.
Eep. You’re putting up with this woman’s shit, listening to her tales of Typhoon Longwang, handing out the footrubs, being accused of philandering and generally being her emotional punchbag because you like her kids? Mate, she’s got you right where she wants you: being a nice guy is one thing, but they don’t hand out prizes for martyrdom.
You say you “need to be needed” by them and are “addicted to the tremendous affection”: so what happens when she dumps you for a new toy? Or starts cheating again and tells you to suck it up or leave? You mentioned earlier that she hasn’t been in a relationship where she hasn’t cheated, so you letting her walk all over you isn’t improving your odds - you won’t get visitation rights with her kids, you know.
My advice? Practise some tough love on yourself, buddy, and get the fuck out: everything I’ve read about this relationship suggests that making yourself into a human doormat is only fueling this woman’s destructive behaviour. It’s bloody unhealthy for you and likely doomed to a catastrophic trainwreck anyway, so do yourself a favour and get off at the next station.
Painful it may be, sure, if you do have a genuine bond with the kids, but if you’re doing it on your own terms it’s gonna be a lot less painful than when this train finally crashes and burns and you don’t get to see them any more anyway. One final question: which matters more to you: your own mental well-being or another woman’s children?
This post has been brought to you by a guy who did stick around with a lying, stealing, drug-taking, philandering psycho bitch from hell and had his nose continually rubbed in her serial infidelities in the vain hope that if he was nice enough he would be able to change her, and who still carries some of the scars ten years later .
I would call B.S. to the whole story and assume she is, um, jerking you around. She sounds immature. She also seems able to push your buttons.
Since no one else has addressed this… fighting ignorance…
It really, really hurts. Now, I’m no chemist, and I know nothing about the… causticity… of said substance, but it goddamn well feels like getting a handful of sand thrown in your eye. It’s not exactly Visine, darlin. Now let’s speak no more of it. There’s a good lad. But uh, yeah, the rest of that story seems a bit fishy to me, too. ahem
And all due sympathies to Reuben and his situation, but damned if you guys aren’t cracking me up with all the nicknames you’re coming up with in here. Puts Sawyer from “Lost” to shame, I tell ya.
[sub]Schlongy McManwithhorsecock… oh man[/sub]
The goggles, they do nothing? I’m actually off to conduct the research that this thread has thus far been lacking: I’m going to measure the circumference of round things - other than cocks, my devotion to fighting ignorance only goes so far - that I can and can’t fit into my mouth. I’ll check back later with my findings.
Make sure you try oval things, as well. My Mr. Hugecock was rather ovoid when viewed from on end. I would have been able to manage the vertical “diameter”, but the horizontal just wasn’t happening. I had to use two hands to perform a handjob - he was about three inches by four inches by 13 inches. We never succeeded in having sex, after two years of trying. Of course, we were both virgins, so that didn’t help.
You’d be surprised how few oval things there are around the house, so my research was confined to cylindrical objects. I’ve also added a few notes about the ability to comfortably move one’s mouth, which is crucial to successful fellatio.
The results are as follows:
Vacuum cleaner hose: 10.4 cm {Easy fit, unrestricted mouth movement}
Telegaph cucumber, average size: !4.2 cm {Easy fit, unrestricted mouth movement}
Caraway seed bottle: 15.3 cm {Easy fit, unrestricted mouth movement}
Worcestershire sauce bottle: !6.0 cm {Snug fit, restricted mouth movement}
Moisturising cream jar: 16.4 cm {Snug fit, restricted mouth movement}
Toothpick container: 17.5 cm {Tight fit, minimal mouth movement}
Lemon, average size: 19.2 cm {Almost dislocated my jaw}
I have no reliable means of measuring the circumference of my mouth, but I’m an adult male aged 37, 179cm and 80.4 kg: I’d estimate that for the purposes of this survey my mouth is average. This doesn’t take into the account that an average woman may have a smaller mouth, although if this is true it would make it harder rather than easier for her to perform fellatio.
So, the maximum girth of a glans penis required for a comfortable blowjob seems to lie somewhere between 15.0 and 16.5cm. The question then remains, was ReubenH’s partner exaggerating? Let’s correlate my findings with this Penis Size Survey, which is both highly comprehensive and seemingly reputable.
Of a survey group of 2545 adult males, the average penis girth was 12.47cm, or somewhere between a vacuum cleaner hose and a telegraph cucumber. The “well-endowed” subject had an average girth of 13.78 cm, which is approaching but not yet in cucumber country.
However, the maximum girth measured was 20.00cm, or well beyond jaw-stretching lemon territory, with the conclusion that a penis girth of 20.05 cm, although falling into the 100th percentile, was not beyond the bounds of male anatomy.
Thus we are forced to conclude that the tale of Cubicle Man’s cock does not in fact strain credulity, although it may well strain a lot of other things.