Academy Awards for length, Grammy’s for width.
Like with firearms, it’s not what you have, but what you do with it.
Detachable penis!
A sextant.
Your wife has four hands?
Handy.
Yeah, sorry about that. I was measuring mine and I accidentally dropped it.
Too soon?
Pedometer.
One of these
mmm
VLBI.
I used a barometer.
Stormy Weather…
I notice no numbers being posted up.
I’d post numbers if the ruler was long enough.
never measured it but i do tuck it in my sock so that it doesn’t scrape on the ground.
if a ruler isn’t long enough then a yard stick and a meter stick for those gifted.
Some of us need a yard stick and a metre stick. 
A Swedish, somewhat satirical, magazine once published an article about the difference in mean length between two different groups of men, one Czech and one Nigerian (the Nigerians were longer) and in the margin was a ruler for some reason.
When you turned to the next page there was a correction box that said that they had no idea how this mishap could have happened, but if you wanted to measure anything with the ruler on the previous page you had to deduct 20% to get the correct length.
I’ve measured its displacement by dunking my junk in some water.
I learned that my ruler was inaccurate.
NASA is planning to do so for me.
Remember guys: you measure from the top. Anything else is just cheating…
I hate having to hold my metre stick over my head.