Haikus for malfunctioning machines

The BBQ Pit
1

So today I did some laundry in my dormitory’s laundry room, after procrastinating for a week or two. Unfortunately, I encountered the DRYER FROM HELL.

Now, I did have a somewhat large, although not huge, load of clothes. But even that doesn’t account for the fact that the dryer was on for OVER THREE FUCKING HOURS and still didn’t dry anything.

Here follows a little imaginary dialogue I had with the dryer:

Me (after the first hour): Hmmm… my clothes don’t appear to be dry at all.

Dryer (smirking): Heh heh heh.

Me (after the second cycle): What the hell? These dryers really work badly.

Dryer (grinning malevolently): Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Me (after the third hour): Wait a minute! My clothes seem to actually be wetter than when they came out of the washing machine! What the fuck? It’s like, I could put sand from the fucking Sahara into this motherfucker and come out with fucking water!

Dryer: Little did you know that my evil creator, the mad scientist Dr. Maytag, has reversed the polarity! I now not only don’t dry, but also make things wetter! BWA HA HA HA HA!

Me (swearing more creatively in this little story than I do in real life): TWATWHISTLE SKUNKFUCKER SHITPICKLE POOPYHEAD DRYER!

So, to channel my creative anger and warn future victims of the DRYER FROM HELL, I wrote this haiku and stuck it on the machine:

this fucking dryer
took three cycles; left things wet
it’s a piece of shit.

I admit it’s not that great. So that’s why I started this thread: to welcome any and all rant-haikus about malfunctioning appliances.

2

Hum. Groan. Sputter. Death.
Then I see the dreaded words:
PC LOAD LETTER.

3

Toasters bringing death;
What if I want to insert
The fork (so badly)?

What have you done now?
And I thought you were my friend.
Fucking dishwasher.

Electric razors
seem not so much to sever
as to rudely yank.

4

Paper Jam? No! No!
There is no fucking paper!
How can nothing jam??

Laptop screen joint fails
so monitor flops around
crash now literal

5

“Hello, Computer?”
Mr. Scott puts down the mouse.
“A keyboard? How quaint.”

6

My car’s computer
Says the engine is fucked.
The computer’s wrong.

7

armaggedon nigh
In vain, your cries of travail
the blue screen of death

stop programming now
you cannot bullshit C code
(commie soc major)
(Ohhhhh, don’t get pissy, I’m joking!!)

And, it’s not about actually BREAKING computers, but:

you surf porn at work
our internet monitor
the all-seeing eye

And finally, one I didn’t write, but thoroughly enjoyed:

first snow, then silence
the thousand dollar monitor
dies so beautifully.

8

Oil-guzzling car
A font of Devonian
Suburban manna.

9

Hard drive clicked loudly
Why did I not make backups?
Now I’ve no data.

10

Belated but just occured to me:

U-P-N dies now
It is Tuesday Night, Seven
BUFFY! BUFFY! Sob

11

My oven says help
looks like the guy at the plant
thinks he is funny

(true story, freaked me out)

12

Frozen PCU
Microsoft Windows sucks ass
Go to hell Bill Gates

13

If you’re going to
bash windows at least get the
component names right

CPU

14

Programs are crashing
Do not send error report
MS can fuck off.

15

I have a new Mac.
It never ever crashes!
It has no programs.

16

USB modem
Doesn’t work with Win XP
Nice green case but has no soul

17

It worked yesterday,
but it doesn’t work today.
Windows is like that.

18

Suck my ass, Carly
Hewlett Packard’s stuff don’t work
Damn CD burner.

19

Three sheets of paper,
Staples twisted and deformed.
Gimme my Swingline!

20

Communiation
Is impossible when you’ve
Got no cell signal.