Hang out w/ your ex? Love to! (Fly to my hand, emergency cigarettes!)

To be honest, I don’t actually know if I’ll be required to hang out with her ex, who is visiting this weekend, but I suspect I will be. I’m a bit tense over the whole business. The Girl and I have thus far opted not to map out explicitly this thing we’re involved in, which is fine for the most part, but I get squirrelly in new situations when I’m unsure of my role, and QT with the ex-boyfriend is definitely a new situation for me.

It’ll probably turn out fine. I’ll probably be able to bluff like I’m a socially functional human being for an evening, and the worst it will get is that she’ll ask why I didn’t make eye contact with anyone the entire night, and I won’t know what she’s talking about.

sigh I’m fifteen again. I hate being fifteen again. So I turn to you, my people, not for advice (because I haven’t given, nor would I really be comfortable giving, enough details to allow for any useful advice to be formulated), but for your own stories. Have you ever had to hang out with his/her ex? How’d it go? Did you smoothly navigate your way through the event and come away with that fabled Mandingo Warrior Feeling? Did you stare into your drink and stutter all night, ending up as ambivalent about the meeting as when you began? Did you assault anyone with a barstool?

I’m posting this illicitly from work, so I’ll probably have to check the thread again this evening, but in the meantime, regale me, please. Help a young man ease his mind with your entertaining stories and camaraderie.

My husband’s ex-wife is my best friend. She’s also my ex’s sister (which paints a veeeerrrrry complicated picture, I’m sure). We get along great! The key to the whole thing is if there’s any love jones going on between the two anymore. Not necessarily on your girlfriend’s part, but on her ex’s part. If he’s still hot for her, it will suck. If not, you’ve already got something in common (her), so there may be other things you like about each other as well. Have fun! If he’s still pining over her, kill him.

OK - I have experience on both parts here. At least I think I do.

My ex boyfriend and his ex wife are EXTREMELY close to this day. When he and I began dating this caused huge strife between the two of us. He would take her calls no matter what we were doing, or just finished doing ahem. She would call a million times a day and that would drive me nuts. If you’re that close to the person, BE with the person. They shared everything, and I mean EVERYTHING!!! We had nothing personal between the two of us. That is VERY hard to be on the other end of. Especially when you are just beginning your relationship with the person.

That situation became VERY ugly, VERY fast. It can lead your current SO to be insecure, and allows them to feel they don’t fill some “void” in your life. So our relationship was close to an end. Basically, but not basically, an ultimatum was presented. I met with his ex over dinner one night. We got everything out on the table and she admitted that in the beginning maybe she shouldn’t have called constantly, and how she could see that putting a strife between the two of us.

She and I developed a friendship, or what I thought was a friendship. He and I didn’t work out, but I still lived at his place. Long story for another thread. She and I would continue to talk and she even came to visit me many times. It was a good friendship in development. At least I thought it was. Fast forward a little bit and I’ve begun to date someone new. Eventually I move out of the ex’s and move in with the new SO. Amazingly enough, my “friend” and I no longer talk. I try to call her on numerous occasions and don’t get return calls. My ex tells me its because she is too busy, yet he manages (as always) to be up to date on her life. I guess its unfortunate, but it has to be chalked up to something. I tried to make an honest go at a sincere friendship with her, but I guess it was just convenient for her when he and I were connected somehow.

Now, current SO and my ex have met. We even took my ex to a baseball game for his birthday. The three of us have gone to dinner together, my ex has been to my apartment, and can call whenever he wants. What I think the difference is in THIS situation is that he doesn’t call constantly. He doesn’t have to call five times a night, every night. And I don’t talk to my ex constantly, nor do I know all that much about what is going on with his life now. We are friends, not attached at the hip. My current SO has no problems at all with my ex, and actually enjoyed his company on the occasions that we got together. Now mind you, they don’t phone each other and hang out…but that is fine too.

Whew - I think this may be my longest post. (I was actually pointed here by the ex telling me I could spill the beans.) I think it has the potential to work out, but I also know that it can be VERY dangerous! My $0.02…be open with your SO and make sure THEY listen to your concerns. These concerns may seem absolutely CRAZY to your SO, and they probably will be. Your SO may get mad, and think you are being unreasonable if you are not comfortable with their relationship. All I can hope for is that your SO has great communication skills and can be understanding and PATIENT!!! That can save you many hours of sleepless nights, and stop MANY fights.

Good luck! And if you want more stories, let me know.

I’ve been in the reverse situation, where I went on a ‘date’ with my then-fiance (now my wife) and a former girlfriend of mine. Just the three of us. Lovely.

What a nightmare. Not for them-they seemed to have a grand old time. “Does he still …” “Oh, yeah. (giggle) But get this …” “(giggle) That reminds me of the time …” And I’m sitting between them, thinking about how glamorous I expected it to be to go on a date with two pretty girls. :smack:

Heh. In these troubled times, expedience is sometimes called for, isn’t it?

Thanks for the replies, Kalhoun and SCSimmons, and you, skittles, for yours. I really do much better when I have even second- or third-hand precedents I can keep in mind.

Turns out that this thread was probably unnecessary after all, though. I won’t be hanging with the ex. Let’s hear it for dodging awkward situations!

“Turns out that this thread was probably unnecessary after all, though. I won’t be hanging with the ex. Let’s hear it for dodging awkward situations!”

Good decision, IMHO!