OK - I have experience on both parts here. At least I think I do.
My ex boyfriend and his ex wife are EXTREMELY close to this day. When he and I began dating this caused huge strife between the two of us. He would take her calls no matter what we were doing, or just finished doing ahem. She would call a million times a day and that would drive me nuts. If you’re that close to the person, BE with the person. They shared everything, and I mean EVERYTHING!!! We had nothing personal between the two of us. That is VERY hard to be on the other end of. Especially when you are just beginning your relationship with the person.
That situation became VERY ugly, VERY fast. It can lead your current SO to be insecure, and allows them to feel they don’t fill some “void” in your life. So our relationship was close to an end. Basically, but not basically, an ultimatum was presented. I met with his ex over dinner one night. We got everything out on the table and she admitted that in the beginning maybe she shouldn’t have called constantly, and how she could see that putting a strife between the two of us.
She and I developed a friendship, or what I thought was a friendship. He and I didn’t work out, but I still lived at his place. Long story for another thread. She and I would continue to talk and she even came to visit me many times. It was a good friendship in development. At least I thought it was. Fast forward a little bit and I’ve begun to date someone new. Eventually I move out of the ex’s and move in with the new SO. Amazingly enough, my “friend” and I no longer talk. I try to call her on numerous occasions and don’t get return calls. My ex tells me its because she is too busy, yet he manages (as always) to be up to date on her life. I guess its unfortunate, but it has to be chalked up to something. I tried to make an honest go at a sincere friendship with her, but I guess it was just convenient for her when he and I were connected somehow.
Now, current SO and my ex have met. We even took my ex to a baseball game for his birthday. The three of us have gone to dinner together, my ex has been to my apartment, and can call whenever he wants. What I think the difference is in THIS situation is that he doesn’t call constantly. He doesn’t have to call five times a night, every night. And I don’t talk to my ex constantly, nor do I know all that much about what is going on with his life now. We are friends, not attached at the hip. My current SO has no problems at all with my ex, and actually enjoyed his company on the occasions that we got together. Now mind you, they don’t phone each other and hang out…but that is fine too.
Whew - I think this may be my longest post. (I was actually pointed here by the ex telling me I could spill the beans.) I think it has the potential to work out, but I also know that it can be VERY dangerous! My $0.02…be open with your SO and make sure THEY listen to your concerns. These concerns may seem absolutely CRAZY to your SO, and they probably will be. Your SO may get mad, and think you are being unreasonable if you are not comfortable with their relationship. All I can hope for is that your SO has great communication skills and can be understanding and PATIENT!!! That can save you many hours of sleepless nights, and stop MANY fights.
Good luck! And if you want more stories, let me know.