Oh crud. My grievance turned out to be both unfair and premature. The situation has resolved and I’ve sent a report asking the mods to delete the post. Sorry, folks. I should be more careful what I post when I’m feeling sorry for myself :o 
and :smack: for good measure.
I forgot one:
*Your wifes issues are only 60% of the reason you’re getting a divorce. I have always been disturbed by your spotty parenting. I know you love the kids. But you always put daddy’s fun ahead of taking care of them. And that includes the lack of discipline. ***Especially ***the lack of discipline. And trumpeting how awesome it is to not live at home with the kids anymore does not help your case. Nor does hooking up with another woman from your high school days only a week or so after moving out. Show some sense!
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Enough with the veiled criticisms of my child-rearing skills. If you don’t like what I’m doing, tell me.
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Enough with the office gossip. Never does any good, and just makes people more grumpy.
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Would you give parking passes to my deserving coworkers already, please? Some of them have been here for years, and less-senior people in less-crucial departments already have them.
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Do you really need another video game? No, I didn’t think so.
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Do your chores without me constantly reminding you, would you? Thanks.
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Clean your apartment, for crissakes, and clean it thoroughly. If it gets much worse I’m going to have to call the EPA. Or a hazmat team.
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Would you please upgrade your library website so that I don’t have to input the same info over and over again, even when I’m just going to another page on the same site?
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Stop sending me anti-Obama glurge when you know I hate it, and when it’s been repeatedly shown to be false.
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Blago, just resign already, would you?
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If I’m going to arrange a group outing, would you at least have the courtesy to respond in a timely manner? But no, most of you dawdled and now we can’t go at all. Pinheads.
:: sets up the aluminum pole a little late; no tinsel, of course, because I find it distracting ::
You’re my sister and I will pretend to love you in order to keep Mom happy but stop calling me when you’re drunk. I don’t know if you have a drinking problem or a problem staying off the phone when you’ve had a few but either way I can’t stand that sloshy maudlin shit or the loud raucous obnoxious yammering either. I especially hate the fact that if I rush you off the phone or ask you to call back when you’re sober you go running to Mom to complain that I’m mean. FFS, when you call me at 7 my time it’s 2 or 3 A.M. in Ireland and everyone you know is sleeping. Put the phone down, take some aspirins, go to bed and stay there until noon like you always do and stop subjecting the rest of us to your alcohol-fueled blathering. You talk so damn much that I can put the phone down for 2 or 3 minutes and you don’t even realize that I’m gone. I never wanted caller ID but it might be worth it to know not to answer when it’s you on the phone. How your wonderful husband stands your drinking I will never know.
*You’re my brother. You’ll be my brother as long as we’re both alive. But you barely speak to me for a year, then when Mother dies and I’m made executor, you suddenly want me to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with you? You’re not getting anything that isn’t due you. Mother let you know years ago that you’re not getting as much as everybody else because she’s given you tens of $1000’s to bail you out. Also, what stupid idiot buys a house before selling his other house, when he can barely pay the one mortgage. Idiocy = foreclosure.
*Favorite Nephew - You’re too young to eat yourself into an early grave. And get a job. I know your weight and your post-car accident injuries make it hard to find something, but suck it up. You’re an adult now, it’s time you acted like one.
*Nieces - You’re under-employed. Working part-time retail won’t support you, and don’t expect anyone else to, either. And when you get your $15K inheritance, please don’t blow it all. Invested now in a retirement account, it could make a huge difference to you some day.
StG
Even more:
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Stop sending me emails. You alternate between twee, glurgy, Thomas Kincaidy crap strewn with bible lessons and hateful, racist, kill-everyone-who-isn’t-just-like-us stories of highly questionable veracity.
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And you can stop sending me any emails at all. you only send the ultraconservative propaganda anyway.
*We JUST got married. Please stop asking us when we are having kids. Especially since none of you have offered to babysit.
*For fuck’s sake, can you CALL before you come over? I don’t care if you brought bagels/pizza/lattes/magical unicorns… a little courtesy call is all I ask for. What if we’re not home? What if we’re in the middle of a huge brawl? What if we decided to spend the whole day naked? That goes for you too, neighbor… speaking of…
*I appreciate the invites over to your house to get drunk at your bar every other night, but if we say we’re going to come by later, it means LATER. Stop calling every 15 minutes asking where we are, or worse yet, come over unannounced “looking for” us.
*I am by no means a controlling wife - so please stop asking my husband if he is “allowed to go out”. I have never told him he wasn’t “allowed” to do something. Go fuck yourself. I’ll remember that next time I’m feeding your broke, single-ass dinner. And by the way, isn’t it time to move out of your sister’s basement? Aren’t you going to be 37? Or is it 38?
*Stop being so fucking controversial just to be controversial. The reason no one likes you is because you can’t ever just ‘be cool’. You always have a problem with something or you have to argue your opinion or bring up topics like religion and politics. Wanna know why I never want you to come over? Cause you’re a fucking pain in the ass to talk to, that’s why.
*Stop putting your face in my dog’s face. I’ve told you not to do it, so why do you still do it? If you put your face that close to mine, I’d bite you too. Who does that? Honestly…
*Stop asking such retarded questions over and over and over again. If I say I don’t know the answer, I’m not going to suddenly know the answer when you ask me again 5 minutes later. I’ve never had a client with such unreasonable demands and interrogations and you are making my job very stressful.
*Stop being such a bitch all the time. Up your meds or something. Jesus.
*Mind your own fucking business, SE. If you know so much about the industry, then why don’t you become a professional like the rest of us? Stop interrupting my lessons and injecting your opinion. You look and sound like a gawky pre-pubescent flamingo when you ride a horse anyway.
*Lastly, to the passive-aggressive troll at work… you’re the first one to tell the maintainance people to take all the jumps out, but when it comes time to rebuild the course you’re no where to be found. So my little 110lb. self has to lift all the standards off the wall (feats of strength), rebuild the entire thing, and then you have the fucking audacity to say you don’t like the course I set?? Keep digging yourself into a hole, bitch… we all know your deal… it’s only a matter of time before your ass is kicked to the curb too…
It’s like the time those people had an argument on the train that we were taking after visiting Dachau. Their fighting ruined our visit.
Completely stolen from Walter Mattau
You need to be caught having sex on the kitchen table. That should solve the little problem of the Uncallers.
Applauds, wipes a tear from his eye
Myself, I’d probably start popping in more often.
A few from me (no names, obviously):
*I can only say that it’s poor form to tell someone (who has resigned their previous job to come and work for you) that you’ll give them the next Manager’s position that becomes available, and then have people from different branches transferring in and taking the next three Management positions that become available.
*My wife and I simply cannot afford a house. Please stop lecturing us that we need to buy a house. We can’t afford one. At all. Full Stop.
*I’m sorry your marriage is falling apart. You’re not helping things by obsessively looking for “proof” that your wife spent the day on the computer instead of doing the housework.
*Groceries cost too much.
*DVD regions serve no useful purpose anymore. Just release the DVD at the same time everywhere and be done with it.
*Either kick her out or deal with the changed realities of the situation. Those are your options. Pick one and stick with it.
*It should not cost more for my wife and I to spend 5 days at Ayer’s Rock than it does for us to go to Vanuatu. And people wonder why the local tourism industry is suffering?
It’s again Festivus, so I’m reviving this beauty of a thread instead of starting a new one. Festivus is nothing if not minimalistic.
-Your vile putridity on Facebook is an embarrassment to all who know you.
-When you run a business with your last name on it, don’t be a bunch of ignorant idiots who treat their customers like shit. Especially if you share MY LAST NAME.
-Stop defending your loser son. He doesn’t love you and is only manipulating you so you’ll leave him everything after you die.
-Stop manipulating your mother to hate her family. If you had put half this effort into actually finding a job, you might have actually made something of yourself, other than a reprehensible leech.
-Put down the damn iPhone and pay attention to your grandkids. You only see them a few days a year, ffs.
Another two:
-Your daughter has fetal-alcohol syndrome, that you apparently caused. Stop putting her in shit-hole group homes and complaining that she’s being raped and taken advantage of, and stop complaining about what a difficult and rotten person she is. Yes she’s a handful, but she needs an advocate, and that’s you.
-You are a vile, reprehensible, ignorant, worthless, dastardly, pathetically weak human being. Resign the presidency.
– You are retired and you and your (retired) husband are living with your 80-year old mother for free: you can bring more than a green salad to Christmas dinner. (I work 60 hours a week, I’m hosting the whole family for Christmas Eve, and I’m bringing two hot dishes plus an appetizer to Christmas dinner!!!)
Dear friend with the digital player implanted in his chest. Please start remembering who you’ve told your endless and boring stories to. Please pay attention when someone says “Yes, you’ve told me that before”, and hit the STOP button on the recording. Not only are you telling the same damn story, IT’S IDENTICAL WORD FOR WORD INCLUDING FACIAL EXPRESSIONS! And when you’re going into agonizing details about some city and someone says “Yes, I lived there for 20 years”, then STOP with your description of the place. I like you, but this really strains the relationship.
To all my friends and acquaintances: Yes, my son died. Yes, it was traumatic and painful. Yes, I still grieve his passing. But please stop treating me as though I’m permanently damaged goods that need to be handled with kid gloves and woeful facial expressions. I know you mean well, but that sort of thing only makes it worse, not better. I’m coping quite well after six months, and normal life is what is desired.
Happy Festivus, everyone!: Festivus - Wikipedia
My car started on the first try this morning, and I saw some good friends at church. It’s a Festivus miracle!
I feel nostalgic for the problems of 2008 Festivus.
You support Donald Trump’s latest harebrained scheme because MAGA.
You support Donald Trump at all.
You tell me to be at your house for 11:00 for this, but we don’t actually start doing this until well after 1:00.
You and the cashier at the convenience store/grocery store/Dollar General, etc. carry on a conversation and catch up like old friends, the line behind you be damned.
You ask me incessant questions about mundane things that don’t matter.
You order expensive medical tests for me of questionable necessity while being no closer to the root cause of my problem.
You post your Sunday sermons, your screeds on modern medical practices, and/or your political rantings on the community Facebook group that I moderate, even though the rules say very clearly not to do any of those things.
You’re an adult yet you still use written communication like an eight-year-old.
I was in a store a few days ago and a woman came in bitching about how cold it was (low 40s, sunny day, little wind). Then exiting the supermarket last night someone else was moaning about the severe chill (33 degrees, cloudy, humid, no wind).
It’s late December. In central Ohio. Move to effing Florida if you can’t handle it.
*a favorite in this genre (though a bit more understandable) was years ago in Texas, when a woman complained to Mrs. J. that it was so cold out that December day that she couldn’t get into the Xmas spirit (apparently Santa requires at least the mid-60s to ho-ho-ho in Houston).